I am desparate. I want answers on the road I need to choose. I don't want to be here anymore. I found out about the A in April. My H is fed up and he doesn't want to even see me anymore.
Quote: My H is fed up and he doesn't want to even see me anymore.
What is he fed up with specifically do you think? Make a list. Then STOP doing those things, at least in his presence. This is your personal journey now. I understand, we all understand, that this isn't a journey you decided to embark on and it's not fair that you're there. But you *are* there. Take a deep breath. Who do you want to be? When you look back on this tragedy 5 years from now, what qualities would you be most proud to have displayed?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
My goals after overcoming this trauma, is to be a stronger, God loving christian, who gave my troubles to God and was led by the Holy Spirit in my decision. No matter what that decision is, I want it be in the perfect will of God. That is my heart's desire. And for some reason, I'm not finding any peace. I need some prayers answered and some direction with a decision. Any suggestions?
Unfortunately Gwyn, I don't have any suggestions where religion is concerned, as I am agnostic. I'll leave this open for other posters to help you out with.
Good luck Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Thanks. Okay, let me try something else. My goal is to be HAPPY. I'm miserable right now, with or without my H. How long must I stay in this place? I know that I "choose" to be miserable, but I cannot overcome this feeling of toal disgust with my H. Each time I'm with him I feel insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted. This is how I truely feel. I'm not sure these are emotions, I'm beginning to think they are facts, so now what?
Gwyn~ I think just about everyone's goal in life is to be happy. You need to figure out *what* makes Gwyn happy. That is a process, not a one time epiphany. That's why I asked you to think about what you have going good and right in your life. Do you have children? Grandchildren? Nieces/nephews? Volunteer? Your job? Hobbies? I've seen others post that every activity that take on, even when it's something they used to love, can feel like a chore because the misery drags you down constantly and makes you feel like doing nothing. But I've also heard those people say that if you fight against the urge to do nothing, after a little while you "get into" whatever it is that you're doing and your troubles fade into the background for a little while and you're able to get some relief. Bottom line: it may not be easy, but you've *got* to do something other than dwell on your problems every minute of every day.
Quote: How long must I stay in this place?
Michele says in DR that it always takes longer than *you* think it should. From all I've seen, I'd say that's a pretty accurate statement!! If you can accept this, it may help to give you strength on the days you feel like you can't take it anymore. It's a process, a journey, and you get a little better each day. A little better each day. Not a lot better by tomorrow. does that make sense?
Quote: I know that I "choose" to be miserable
I don't think you "choose" to be miserable. You've been dealt a crappy hand and that's hard to take. You have every right to be unhappy and sad and even miserable. It's how you deal with those feelings~that is where you choose.
Quote: I cannot overcome this feeling of toal disgust with my H. Each time I'm with him I feel insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted. This is how I truely feel. I'm not sure these are emotions, I'm beginning to think they are facts, so now what?
Facts don't change, ever, hence they are fact. Emotions change, hence they are not fact. I know you're frustrated b/c you want to feel differently and every day you wake up feeling the same. Take comfort that those feelings are normal and you are 100% entitled to feel every single emotion you have. But they *are* just emotions and there is a good chance they will change over time.
For now, the best advice I have for you, I've already given. Think about the behaviors you've displayed to your H that he is "fed up" with and don't do them anymore in his presence. That doesn't mean you have to change the way you feel, you are just reacting differently to those feelings. Second, think about 5 years from now, how you'd like to look back and what behavior you (and God) could look back on and be most proud of.
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Okay, I just talked to my H and he is wanting a divorce. He thinks it is inevitable. He said we'll talk more this afternoon. What do I say, what do I do? Help, need advise, soon. I'm still not sure if this is what I want.
Gwyn, you've gotta follow your heart. If you really don't know what to do, see if you can arrange some time to sort yourself. Would he be willing to consider a trial separation with no dating for 6 months? 3 months? 1 month?
You've said you've given this up to God, but it seems to me you're holding onto it awfully tight. The point of giving it up to God is that you put it in His hands and you don't worry about it any more. You do the best you can, knowing He'll forgive if you make a mistake. You want some peace, but it almost seems to me you're not allowing yourself to have peace. Whatever you do in this sitch, whatever H does, whatever happens, God loves you right? You're going to be okay when you start making it okay. You know this already; now you need to believe it.
Good luck!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
That is sort of what we're doing but when I'm not home, I worry about what he's doing so I call, we argue and the cycle continues. I am so co-dependent it scares me. I want him, then I don't want him. I know I need professional help and I am in MC but his frustrates me because everything is all about me trying to cope with this. I feel responsible for it all.
I'm reading a couple of books that are helping me. They aren't R books necessarily, but as a Christian woman, they have helped me to focus on who I am in Christ. One is Confident Woman by Annibel Gillham, and the other is Forgive and Love Again by John Nieder and Thomas M. Thompson. The thing that helped me the very most when dealing with my H after the bomb, was realizing that I'm not at war with him, I'm at at war with the powers of evil that are trying to destroy our marriage (just typing this is a good reminder to me as we've been having a tough time lately). I asked God to give me a deep unconditional love for him that would shine through my pain. That prayer was answered. It was my H seeing that love that brought him home. I tried to picture not my H as he was acting at the moment, but the man that he is in Christ and started praying for the Holy Spirit to move powerfully in my H's life. We are still struggling, and it's hard, but God is working on both of us and in the end, He will be glorified.
Just remember, God is ALWAYS for marriage. Satan is always against. Marriage is a three part covenant and if one spouse is faithful to their vows, God is enabled. The bible says to take our vows and covenants with God very seriously. The goal of course (and it's hard to take), is to please and glorify God through our obedience and actions no matter how we feel. I fail at this daily. Some days I want to give up. But God is faithful.
Another book that I'm reading is Biblical Womanhood in the Home by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It hasn't been easy for me to read and understand what God's standards for a Christian wife are. But, the more I read and obey, the stronger I feel.
