Gwyn~ I think just about everyone's goal in life is to be happy. You need to figure out *what* makes Gwyn happy. That is a process, not a one time epiphany. That's why I asked you to think about what you have going good and right in your life. Do you have children? Grandchildren? Nieces/nephews? Volunteer? Your job? Hobbies? I've seen others post that every activity that take on, even when it's something they used to love, can feel like a chore because the misery drags you down constantly and makes you feel like doing nothing. But I've also heard those people say that if you fight against the urge to do nothing, after a little while you "get into" whatever it is that you're doing and your troubles fade into the background for a little while and you're able to get some relief. Bottom line: it may not be easy, but you've *got* to do something other than dwell on your problems every minute of every day.
Quote: How long must I stay in this place?
Michele says in DR that it always takes longer than *you* think it should. From all I've seen, I'd say that's a pretty accurate statement!! If you can accept this, it may help to give you strength on the days you feel like you can't take it anymore. It's a process, a journey, and you get a little better each day. A little better each day. Not a lot better by tomorrow. does that make sense?
Quote: I know that I "choose" to be miserable
I don't think you "choose" to be miserable. You've been dealt a crappy hand and that's hard to take. You have every right to be unhappy and sad and even miserable. It's how you deal with those feelings~that is where you choose.
Quote: I cannot overcome this feeling of toal disgust with my H. Each time I'm with him I feel insulted, humiliated, ashamed and disgusted. This is how I truely feel. I'm not sure these are emotions, I'm beginning to think they are facts, so now what?
Facts don't change, ever, hence they are fact. Emotions change, hence they are not fact. I know you're frustrated b/c you want to feel differently and every day you wake up feeling the same. Take comfort that those feelings are normal and you are 100% entitled to feel every single emotion you have. But they *are* just emotions and there is a good chance they will change over time.
For now, the best advice I have for you, I've already given. Think about the behaviors you've displayed to your H that he is "fed up" with and don't do them anymore in his presence. That doesn't mean you have to change the way you feel, you are just reacting differently to those feelings. Second, think about 5 years from now, how you'd like to look back and what behavior you (and God) could look back on and be most proud of.
Heather
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
