The only thing I can do right now is to be patient and enjoy our time together. search everyday within myself to try and figure out if I love him enough to stay.
Perhaps give this a time frame and re-evaluate, say, some months from now.
I find myself not loving him the same way I did before... I don't want to put a lot of my time and energy into a man that I may never love the same again.
This is interesting. How is your love for him different? Is it because it's colored now with negative emotions stemming from his A? Are your feelings of today permanent? Can the "old love" be rekindled? Can a greater bond than you had before be achieved? If you found another person to love, wouldn't your feelings of love for that person be different than what you had at first with your H? Just some food for thought.
I do enjoy your advise. You make me think - which is good. Of course I can love him can be rekindled. Thank you for keeping my emotions in check. I do know that I cannot imagine ever loving another man as much as I love my husband. I will evaluate this in a few months and see how I feel and for now, I'll stay the course.
I just had some heart stopping news. My H affair went on a lot longer than originally thought - probably shortly after our 1 year anniversary. This is a major set back for me and I feel I'm right back to square one. I'm crying again, nerveous and feeling lost AGAIN!!! I'm trying to put this behind me, but I feel like I've been lied to again - ADVISE, PLEASE.
More updates. I just had a talk with my daughter (23), pre-med, very practicle in her thinking and very wise for her age (I'm proud of her, okay). Anyway, she told me that she cannot stand my H (her stepdad), does not trust him, nor wants anything to do with him. She further said that when she has children, she would NEVER allow her child to be in the same room with him because she thinks he is a pervert. By the way, she thought this about him before I married him, not sure why other than she thinks he is sneeky and has a warped sense of life. However, she accepted him because I loved him. One more thing I have to add, HIS children said that they don't trust him either, he says one thing and does another.
Should I be concerned about this or will time take care of this?
It has been awhile since I've posted so I wanted to post an update. My marriage is still hanging on by a thread. My H is very depressed and has all but given up on our marriage. He wants me to make a decision and since I cannot he is making my life miserable. He told me had no hope and no faith and that it's useless for us to continue down this stupid path. Divorce will be the outcome and there is nothing he can do or say to make me happy. So we're two people living together as sad, pathetic and lost individuals. Any advise out there? Because I'm depressed, my husband is depressed, and because he's depressed, I become more depressed. Please help. We're headed down this dark tunnel and I don't know what to do any more.
Help someone. I keep screwing up. I keep talking about my husband's affair and he is so sick and tired about talking about it he just wants to stay away from me. I don't think I can stop talking about it. It consumes me. I have and am reading all the books suggested and it absolutely makes me remember the affair and doesn't seem to be helping me. My husband wants me to put down the books because he thinks it changes my mood, which it does. I know I need to the 180 suggested in DR, but I cannot get there. Can anyone give me some advise and how you were able to do it.
Sounds like you are having to cope with a lot right now.
Quote: I know I need to the 180 suggested in DR, but I cannot get there. Can anyone give me some advise and how you were able to do it
I understand how difficult it must be to try and do a 180 when it feels like everything else is falling apart around you. When I first started trying to DB, I told myself that what I had been doing till now, did not seem to be working (cheeseless tunnel) so what did I have to lose by trying something different. The first time that I did a 180, I felt so much better that it gave me the incentives to do more and more (as they say, nothing succeeds like success). One of my 180s was to take control of my temper. Once I made the decision, I realised how empowered I felt. When I would lose my temper, I would feel really bad inside but the more that I was able to control my temper, the better I began to feel about myself and H also has commented on this. We are able to communicate in much better ways now although we are separated.
The second thing that helped me was something that a friend told me. He said 'whether you laugh or cry, either way, you have a husband that cheated and a M that is in crisis. your reaction is your choice'. This, in a really strange way, gave me permission to smile and laugh, regardless of how bad things got. And, this made cope with everything much better.
Lastly, there was also this tiny streak of pride in me that said 'I will not let circumstances defeat me and turn me into a loser. I will take control of my life and make it into something much better, something I am happy with.'
Gwyn, I know how you feel. In my case, I have always depended on others for emotional support and to have to deal with my Hs infidelity was really tough. But, I firmly believe that you can do it. You have taken the initiative to come to this board. You have the power within you to rise above the circumstances.
Quote: My marriage is still hanging on by a thread
If this is true, then what have you got to lose by trying to do something differently. Who knows, it may make this thread so strong that it turns into an unbreakable bond.
What are some of the 180s you are considering? What have you tried that has or has not worked?
You mentioned that your mood changes when you read DR - in what ways does it change? Is it more positive? You also said that your H has also noticed this and wants you to stop reading them - if so, could he feel threatened by the change in you?
When reading the books, it creates a need for me to talk about the affair and that is the last thing that my H wants to do. As far as the 180s, I can't say that I've tried anything because I can't make myself do it. This is what is causing so much turmoil within me. I know what I should be doing but yet I won't or can't do it. Maybe I'm just being stupid to think that I can get over the affair and rebuild this marriage. Maybe the damage is so intense from my perspective that it can't be salvaged. I know this goes against the grain of DR, but maybe I'm just not strong enough. With that said, I'm beating my husband down so much that he thinks our marriage is hopeless. Any advise on what I should try? I don't want a divorce but it may be the best thing for both of us. My husband's goal is for me to be happy and I can honestly say that right now, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I'miserable.
I feel the pain in your posts. The pain from your husband's affair was bad enough, horrible enough. But now you're beating yourself because of how you're reacting to that affair and adding that pain to the mix.
Gwyn, you have to stop. You have to find a way to rise up from where you are and shed some of this pain, you have to make yourself less responsible for your own misery. I know you're strong or you wouldn't even be trying to save your M after what's happened. You don't feel strong now but your strength is there and you have to trust it. Don't accept yourself less than you are.
You need to find love and start filling your life with it. This board is an excellent resource but virtual love may not be enough for where you are right now. Can you get love from your daughter? Can you call her more, can you go live with her for awhile, can she come stay with you for a weekend, what might work? What other relatives and friends can you go to for support? Lean on everybody available to you; this is your turn to be supported, you can return the favor when you've come out the other side.
If you can manage it at all find a good therapist ASAP. Then be piercingly forthright with them about your entire situation. Sometimes just talking to somebody helps the most and sometimes therapy can really open your mind to how your life can be. Make an appointment and go.
If you don't have enough real people available, find a way to God. I'm most familiar with the Christian version of God but explore any incarnation that gives you love. Go talk to a priest or a pastor or a minister or a rabbi. And if that person doesn't help you feel the love of God then go find another. I don't know if you're religious already, but if you become a Christian for only a month or a week or a day and it gets you over this hump then I don't care. Do it.
You have to work on yourself and accept help from everybody and anybody until your strength of mind is restored and evident to you. Then you can make yourself and others happy.
If you absolutely can't do that without separating from your husband or even divorcing him then that's what you have to do. I hope it doesn't come to that. But you have to put your focus on yourself right now and work on your marriage when you have some strength left over. No one will think any less of you for taking care of yourself. In fact, that's what everybody *wants* you to do.
Good luck! I'll pray for you and you know that everybody on these boards is pulling for you. Close your eyes for a minute and feel it. Then immediately start taking positive steps in your life. Don't wait!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
My husband and I went to counseling last night and I completely vented. I told the counselor that I'm ill, I don't know if I'm able to get over this and he told me there was no shame in this but he would encourage me to try to save the marriage. He used analogy that my house has been blown apart but the foundation is still there. It has a few cracks in it but it can be repaired and it's up to us whether to rebuild the house. I know that there are many success stories out there but I wonder how many failures there are. I am of the opinion that my marriage is so broken that it can't be put back together. No matter how hard I try, I cannot find peace in staying with my husband. It just doesn't seem to be the right thing for me to do. I am so stupid for not knowing what was going on when I had all the warning signs. It makes me sick that I wasn't more deligent in my suspicions. I an also very afraid that I may be giving up on a marriage that may turn out to be great. My husband is very remorseful and he wants more than anything to work out this marriage, so why can't I move forward and try to make this work? I cannot figure this out, maybe it just isn't meant to be. I feel so cheap, violated, and insulted by all of this. I'm also very insulted at my attempts to make this marriage work when it goes against everything that I believe in. I struggle spiritually with this everyday. What is worse, being alone with hopes that I'll meet someone like my husband but with a little more commitment, or trying to work this marriage out and be miserable because the damage is so great.
Can anyone help? I told my husband this morning that I'm leaving for a couple of days because I just need to be alone. I'm at the point of believing that I'm not the type of person who will ever let the affair die and that it will never be over for me. Will my peace come from divorcing him? Or will this cause more pain? I desperately need some help with this one.
