Tonight is our first session as a couple with a firm decision. We've done this several months ago, but my counselor wanted to see me alone because I was having so many problems with obsessing. As stated, I think the worst is behind me and now I'm ready for the real work. NY, your words of wisdom has helped me more than my counselor! I talked to my H last night and told him that I'm ready to start the hard work of rebuilding our M. I apologized for my past behavior and that I've been able to set my emotions aside and decided that our M was worth saving. He was totally unresponsive, he just looked at me and told me he had to regroup because he thought we were preparing for a D. He said that he as reserving any comments for now, the "proof is in the puddin" (southern lingo, I'm from the South). He said that I've said this before, which I have, but I reminded him that that was the past. You wanted a decision from me and here it is. He is very distant and he behaves like something is bothering him greatly. We talked this morning a bit and we are going to counseling so maybe, he'll take me for my word.
I'm going to run your suggestion of changing the dynamics of our R with my counselor and ask him to teach my H and me skills of rebuilding.
I can't say that I've read After the Affair, but I've read others. Torn Asunder, Love Must be Tough, Surving An Affair and many, many other articles. This I think is why I've had so much trouble. I read these, I see what my H should be doing to help with my healing but he's really not doing much of it and he doesn't want to read the books. He feels that he has all the answers, and the thing that needs to be done, is to stop talking about it, nothing more, nothing less. He has shared pretty much everything about the A and he is through anwering questions. From what I read, he should be a little more patient but he thinks it just opens up the wounds and he doesn't want to hurt me any further. He is now of the opinion, the less I know the less I will have to overcome.
I am having trouble becoming physical with him. Is this also normal? I think he feels that he is being rejected. I don't think I'm ready for this. Ijust don't have that desire right now.
Just a little update. I've gone through the steps of forgiveness and I believe that I have forgiven my H for his infidelity. Although, I have to remind myself almost every hour to leave the pain at the foot of the cross, I'm doing better.
With that said, my H is very depressed and talks about leaving me for my sake. He thinks that it would be the best for me. He said he would always be indebted to me and that he would never be able to repay me. I've told him that he owes me nothing, but he is fighting so many deamons right now and he won't open up to me. I think he wants out of the marriage What should I read into this?
It really sucks, doesn't it?!? He did the wrong thing, he's the one feeling bad now, you've put in so much effort to get things working again, and he still can't figure it out!
Reading your post I get the feeling you're struggling with the thing I struggle with the most: understanding that we have no control over our spouses. I'm not talking about evil, manipulative control. But it just seems like if they understand the situation as well as they appear to, and if we've put forth so much effort to try to get things on the right foot again, they should be able to see their way clear to doing the right thing. It's right there in front of them, why don't they just do it?!?!
The answer is very simple. THEY DON'T DO IT BECAUSE THEY'RE IDIOTS! Er, I mean they don't do it because they can't or they don't want to or they're scared or they don't think they should or their friends tell them not to or...we don't know why not. We have to be willing to give it to them to do. We have to figure out how to just work on ourselves and let them come around in their own time. At some point, despite all our efforts to build Rs with our spouses, we have to realize that they may never figure things out and we'll have to move on. It'll be sad, and we'll probably feel bad leaving somebody behind that we worry isn't healthy enough to really deal with life. But we can't do it for them, so some day we'll have to start doing it for ourselves.
Man, that advice is a lot easier to offer you than to apply to myself. One thing for sure, you need to give yourself credit for all that you've done trying to save your M and start letting yourself off the hook a little bit. As much as you want to and as much as he probably needs it, you can't save him on your own. Try giving him as much space as you both can handle, give yourselves some time to adjust, and see if that makes things better or worse. Good luck!
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I know that I have to engage into my R with my H as soon as possible, otherwise, we're going to separate. He tells me that we can cut the tension in the house with a knife. And that's true. I really don't have anything to say to him and I could care less about his daily activities. They bore me. With that said, I want him to open up with me but not about work, etc. I want him to open up with me emotionally and that is where we butt heads. He says he doesn't want to tell me what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Our counselor warned him that avoidance was the most destructive thing he can do in the M, but I guess I cannot "nag" him into doing it. He must be willing and I guess I have to be patient. This is incredible, just like your post - he destroyed a good M but I'm the one doing the work and he sits back and shakes his head in total denial that the M will survive. He's just not sure and I don't think I have the skills to reassure him. Anyone have any tips on skills to reassure H that our M will survive?
they don't do it because they can't or they don't want to or they're scared or they don't think they should or their friends tell them not to or...
They have their reasons, and it works for them. We LBSs generally don't agree with their reasons, just as they don't agree with ours. To each our own.
It'll be sad, and we'll probably feel bad leaving somebody behind that we worry isn't healthy enough to really deal with life.
It is sad... but at the point you can say "bye" you may also be at a point where you figure they've made the best decision they could make for themselves, regardless of its health, and not be concerned about it, though you may still care about them. Does that make any sense?
he destroyed a good M but I'm the one doing the work and he sits back and shakes his head in total denial that the M will survive. He's just not sure and I don't think I have the skills to reassure him. Anyone have any tips on skills to reassure H that our M will survive?
He shakes his head because he's not convinced yet. You've only just put away the anger. Only consistency in the changes and being lovingly and caring there will have a chance at the desired outcome. Be patient. Learn the new dynamics of handling your relationship and put them into practice. Show by your actions that you believe your M will work.
I must admit that I backslid over the weekend, I didn't attack him, just couldn't understand why he is rejecting me, physically. We had a great weekend but for some reason, when we go to bed at night that is when the problems begin. He and I both just turn over and go to sleep. Before all of this, we had to kiss good-night and always fell asleep at least touching each other. Why doesn't he want to be affectionate to me when I need it the most?
My H has bought a boat as he thinks this will be a healthy tool for us to reconnect. I'm very open to the possibility but I'm also concerned about being in the middle of nowhere, just the two of us. He wants us to start having fun together and the two of us enjoy boating, fishing, cruising, etc. I appreciate his efforts but I must admit, I'm starting to believe I just don't love him anymore and I'm staying the course for all of the wrong reasons, such as rather be M than alone, want companionship rather than alone - you get the point. I've said in previous posts that I love him and I cannot imagine me without him. He has been my best friend but a lousy husband. Maybe I should just be his friend. Can anyone set me straight on this one.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I have to ask the question as a tool for moving forward. Why does anyone want to reconcile with a S when he has lied, cheated and bought gifts for their lover? What constitutes a good S?
My H has bought a boat as he thinks this will be a healthy tool for us to reconnect.
I can understand thinking that such recreational activity can be beneficial for the relationship, but I don't think that's basically true. Relationships are made healthier through communication and meeting emotional needs, not by boating, fishing or cruising. You could do those activities, of course, as they can enhance a relationship, but I don't think they can repair it.
The two people that go on that boat will carry with them the same issues, problems and patterns they have on land.
Why does anyone want to reconcile with a S when he has lied, cheated and bought gifts for their lover? What constitutes a good S?
If you think that people make grave mistakes in judgment and actions, then lying and deceit is right up there. But then he regretted his actions and showed remorse, right? So the question becomes, can you have the relationship you want with this man? Do you really love him, or simply "need" him?
Interesting question. I wish I knew. I know that I cannot imagine being without him, I know that he is truly remoreful and he is trying everything he can (willing or reluctantly) to rebuild the relationship. That I admire from him, BUT, I find myself not loving him the same way I did before. This I know without a doubt and frankly, I search everyday within myself to try and figure out if I love him enough to stay. The only thing I can do right now is to be patient and enjoy our time together. I'm not ready to give up, but this is the hardest thing that I've done in my life. This decision is much harder for me that to marry him. And yes, I did a lot of soul searching, and was engaged 2-1/2 years before I finally ageed to set the wedding date. It was something I really took my time with and look where it ended. I don't want to make the same mistake and give up something that can be good and yet on the other hand, I don't want to put a lot of my time and energy into a man that I may never love the same again. What now?
