Okay. I've posted before but not on this board so I want to brief about my story. I've been married for 3 years, just found out my H had an affair with someone 20 years younger than him for the last 17 months. The A is over, OW moved away but I'm having a very difficult time in recovery. I've read the DR and many other books and am in counseling but I'm no where close to deciding what to do. H is growin impatient and is now talking about D. He said since I cannot make the decision, he'll make it for me. FYI, I found out about the A 4 months ago. I must admit that I have obsessed about the A and have created a mess with my M because I keep my H on the defensive all the time and he's tired of being beat up. I don't want to do this, but I'm just so hurt that I can't seem to let it go. He is very remorseful and has done everything text book to help me reconcile the M, but I won't let him in. Help, from anyone.........
Hi Gwyn, Trust is an interesting phenomenon. It appears that once it has been broken, it is difficult to rebuild. Difficult but not impossible. In a three year marriage, a 17 month affair is a pretty serious breach of trust, no question about that. How long did you date before you were married? How much do you know about H's past relationships? In general, would you say he's a "trustworthy" guy in other areas of his life and in past relationships?
Lately, I've been trying to think about trust in these terms: When you meet someone new you have to invest a certain amount of trust in them in order to establish the relationship. They haven't done anything to earn that trust, but you give it in hopes that the R will become something really great. Can you get back to that point in your M where you'd extend trust not because your H deserves it, but because you want to give it in hopes of someday having a great M.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
He is very remorseful and has done everything text book to help me reconcile the M, but I won't let him in.
This may sound silly, but, only you can let him in.
Sounds like you guys need a few rules by which to work this out. "After The Affair" by Janis Springs is a book that comes to mind. It may be helpful, because it explains to the WAS what the LBS is going through, and vice versa. You both are reacting in very normal ways. But you're both in a different mind set right now, and the key is understanding the other partner.
One of the "rules" for example is based on the LBS's need to know things about the affair. The WAS doesn't wish to discuss it, because he's remorseful and it serves up guilt (which you know WASs run from), and pain, for him and for you, and he doesn't want either of you to experience more pain.
Yet, as questions come up in your mind, you feel you need answers. The WAS however, doesn't wish to be barraged with questions out of the blue all the time. So a solution is to form a weekly session that lasts maybe one hour, in which you ask questions, he answers in full. At the end of the hour, no more questions are asked until the next session. This satisfies both partner's needs to a degree. When being told answers, be prepared for strong emotions to arise, you may be haunted by the answers. You cannot argue, blame (he gets defensive, right?), bringing up past grudges, straying off topic with new hurts, get angry, et al, otherwise the WAS will start to omit and lie and refuse to answer anymore. Eventually, your questions will subside as you gain an understanding of how this happened and the attention starts to focus on how to prevent this in the future, by making those changes that were needed to repair the relationship.
It may behoove you guys to attend MC sessions together, where an impartial counselor can offer suggestions, advice, help you both get beyond any obstacles, offer new perspectives, etc. It may be better than going it alone, as you seem to be stuck right now by your own devices.
The probable reason that you can't move forward also is due to your dwelling in the past. As long as you harbor anger and resentment over the affair, it will be difficult to move forward. And as long as you dwell on the past events, you will feel its associated hurt, anger and pain. Forgiveness is key. People make mistakes, big mistakes (and don't confuse mistakes with having to be unintended accidents), and there's hurt always associated with it, every time you think about it. Yet the mistake is now in the past, and so should the hurt be. The pain is now in the past too, but by reliving it in your mind, you give yourself misery. The pain couldn't be avoided, but misery is optional. Animals experience an event that causes pain, they suffer through it 100%, and it's in the past. Humans experience an event that serves up pain, they experience it 100% and then proceed to cling on to it and live it over again and again and experience it 10,000%. It doesn't have to be like that, because we have minds beyond the animals that while permitting us to experience misery, also permit us to deflect it and move forward.
The answers to your question cannot be contained in this post or any one post. You work with your counselor to let the past go, you work on yourself. You are the instrument to your own happiness.
Your anger and frustration are what's leading you to question whether you want to work on the relationship or not. It's better to not base decisions on your emotions.
You have "now" to work with, not the past, and if H is showing by his actions that he is working very hard to rebuild with you, that's the positive ground on which to heal. Work with what is happening now.
Thanks for your post. Our R prior to marriage was long. We dated for 5 years and were engaged 2 1/2 of those years. We took our time and talked about infidelity before we got married. H knew the lines as his former wife cheated on him which is why he said he had the A. The OW husband cheated on her so he knew her pain and was trying to be a friend to her.
Yes, to answer your questions, I did trust him before all of this. He was not the type of man that I thought was capable of cheating. But there were areas of concern. He is very private about his finances, bills, debts, etc. But that was not enough for me not to marry him.
I as well never thought my W capable (if that is what is happening). We discussed in length while dating the importance of trust and love as both of our parents divorced while in high school, devestating us.
I find that just the possibility of her cheating is eroding all trust and faith I have in her. It is amazing that those who love us the most can hurt us the most.
Yeah, no kidding. My H seems to want to work this out but I'm having real trouble with moving forward. I have built a wall around me and I don't want him in. He is too painful for me. I'm hoping this will pass and in time I hope it will. I'm preparing myself either way, with or without him because frankly, when you get right down to it, I have to decide what's best for me. Unfortunately, I will hurt either way and I need advise on which hurt is more useful in the long haul. I love my H so I've got to find away to get through this. I would love any advise.
We took our time and talked about infidelity before we got married. H knew the lines as his former wife cheated on him which is why he said he had the A... He was not the type of man that I thought was capable of cheating.
Neither was my WAW. In fact, while we were dating she had spoke about a past boyfriend who cheated on her and the effect it had on her.
But what happens is that they become emotionally involved, and issues of it being satisfying and wanted are prioritized and justified in their minds over issues of right or wrong. It's called a "slippery slope" because they get caught up in it and once their hearts are involved it's difficult for them to say no. People who had once been cheated on and know the devastation and pain find themselves being the cheater, People that never would've imagined cheating end up cheating. No one's perfect and only when and if the time comes do we really know what we'd do. Same holds true for the LBS. How many spouses at the beginning of their marriage would say "if my spouse ever cheated on me, I'd divorce him/her", but then when it happens, they fight to save the marriage instead of divorcing.
So it sounds like to me that you're holding onto that he betrayed you, and it serves up righteous indignation, which helps fuel the anger and resentment I wrote about. There's a saying, "You cam be happy, or you can be right". Again, as long as you hold onto that, you can't move forward.
How do I let go of anger, bitterness, etc? I'm doing everything I know, read, post, counseling, prayer, you name it I've tried it and I'm failing miserably. I don't want to destroy the M, but that is exactly what I'm doing. My H is fed up and now instead of feeling like the victim, I'm becoming the perpetrator. How do I break free from this hostility?
I too have found myself in this situation over the past week or two. i have started questioning if any of it is worth it at all. I guess that is something we each have to answer on our own.
if the pain and frustration is too much, then maybe we need to move on, if we can see down the road how this bittersweet agony will help create and repair a most wonderful relationship then we need to stay steadfast in our resolve.
For me it is hard to see that future possibility so I struggle just like you. Yet I can't imagine a future without W so it is a total paradiem I am faced with.
Great advise. I've never thought about that....... "this bittersweet agony will help create and repair a most wonderful relationship then we need to stay steadfast in our resolve" That is very inspirational.
