KDU - I dug back thru a few of your posts to find this.
Re: I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW [Re: KimDownUnder] #949169 - 08/07/05 09:35
I would not put too much into what he says as far as he and OW, sadly he'll never be completely honest and you'll only get his version. Remember theres always 3 sides to a story...yours his and the truth. He makes her out to you the way he WANTS you to see her - he does the same with her. Believe me the last thing he wants is for the two of you to know the truth about what exactly it is he's doing
Kim - I know you want to believe him, and I know right now that gut feeling you have of 'not' beliving him is gnawing at you and your sitting there going WTF! But lets pick this one apart, lets take away expectations, and get down to DR reality.
First of all lets say the month comes and goes and H isnt home - BUT you see alot of positives and consistancies, however you see he's not quite ready to 'move home'. Are you going to throw your hands up and say well the month has come and gone and he's not home so I quit? no, of course not. So forget the time limit at least for now, besides time limits have too much pressure on them as it is.
she is always going to have an excuse and it seems you are always going to go running. expect this, she's not going to back down and will most likely agree to whatever he says at this point, even if it means going back to keeping it on the DL for now, she will try to pull him back to her. I know it sucks and it's not fair and you feel you shouldnt have to entertain the thought of it, but affairs are down low and dirty and so are the people that get caught up in them. The H your dealing with right now, is not the same H you are used to dealing with, so always expect the unexpected. You confronted your H on this, well more like walked in and nailed his a$$ to the wall with it. And you got excuses and more excuses and detailed excuses. These 'detailed' excuses are the ones that immediately throw up a red flag - they're just a bit too convincing arent they. Again, this is where the 'dont believe anything you hear and only 1/2 of what you see' fall into place. He say's nothings going on - but yet you clearly see something is going on, just not sure what that something is yet.
It's really way too early in the game to see anything consistant right now other then your H is still confused and your riding the merry go round from hell. so give yourself some lee-way before you start comparing what you find consistant, either him weaning away from OW and the contact is less and less, or are you seeing just more of the same? remember Rome wasnt built in a day.
But most importantly - dont put yourself second, if you have plans and H asks you out - dont cancel your plans to go out with him, just set up plans for the next night or the night after, sometimes the less available we are the more desirable we are.
Also, this part is sneaky and maybe it's against DR, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire and get a little dirty yourself. Dont confront H with everything you find out - keep what you know to yourself for a while, it will be hard not to confront him especially if you catch him lying. But sadly sometimes its the only way to get the truth.
For example, say you find out he and OW have dinner thrusday night, you dont say a word to him about it, and friday rolls around and you casually say "I tried to call you the other night, but you didnt answer so I figured you were working/at the gym/out with Tom/out with your mom" or something very 'innocent'. See what his answer is - yes as a matter a fact I did go out with Tom/mom/Bob/Bill. Theres the lie - no need to confront him with it just to get more lies from him. But dont jump the gun with the first lie either, use it to your advantage, wait for the next tidbit of info you get (remember not hear say, but proof) do the same, see if you get a similar answer or the truth...........after a while if it's just lies on top of lies at least YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. strange huh?
But again expect the unexpected - he may say well OW and I went to dinner for this that or the other reason. If he is honest with you, just say 'I appreciate your honesty' and leave it at that - dont try to dig deeper. And again wait for the next tidbit (if any at all) and go from there.
Like I said, yes it's sneaky but either way whether he lies or he's honest - you know the truth, what you do with it is up to you.
