I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW

[kismet]

Kim, it sounds like you are doing the right thing by taking it slow and that way knowing exactly where you stand. The patience must be hard, but it will be worth it rather than just jumping back in. Hang in there and take care of yourself

[anna123]

KDU! I'm so impressed by your intelligent and measured approach to your sitch. It's so hard to be restrained, but I can tell it will be worth it. Your original optimism was so sweet, but also worrisome... none of us wanted us to see you get hurt. Good to see you fastening your seatbelt and staying seated until the ride comes COMPLETELY to a halt.

[hellkat]

I have to agree and say that's a very smart idea! I dont think it will work against you, and it definatly improves the success of your R when things are over between them.

Keep us updated!

[KimDownUnder]

O.K. now for an update I think this rollercoaster is picking up speed again.....Now last update H and I had discussion about waiting a month. Well thru friends I found out he was down the pub with OW the very next day so I thought stuff this and went down there with a friend. I walked straight in and straight up to H (OW was sitting beside him) and said "So this is having a month to yourself is it"? Before H could reply OW opened her mouth and said "What b/c we happen to be in the same place at the same time" So I looked at her and said "You shut your mouth, I am not speaking to you and am not interested in your lies, your car is not in the carpark so I know you came together" She shut up then. Anyhow I looked at H and said "Well don't you have anything to say" H said "No not really as it is not what you think, she knows like you do that I wanted time to myself" I said "Well this is not having it" H said "But there is nothing going on" I said "That doesn't matter you are supposed to be alone" Anyhow that's about all that was said my friend had a few choice things to say to my H and OW but that was nothing to do with me and I did tell her to back off and be quiet. Oh and I did say in front of OW "I don't understand how you can tell me you are moving back home but needed time to break of with her and I gave you that time, you then split with her last Wednesday and come and tell me on my birthday that you are coming home and now this, I just don't understand" OW didn't seem surprised by anything I said so she obviously knew it all and my H just said "Kim nothing has changed that is how it is and OW knows it" I left after that. Well when I got home I got a message from H saying "I am sorry I will call you tomorrow". I didn't reply. H rang me the next day and said he was very sorry and could understand why I was upset but that nothing was going on with her and that she had rung him up and asked him to go over for a coffee and a chat as she needed closure. He said after their chat they decided to go to pub for a drink and that was it. I said "That's fine but it upset me and he said he understood that. I also said to him that I felt she was still playing some sort of game with him as she wasn't going to leave him alone which made it hard for me to trust him during the next month as I wouldn't know if he had weakened to her. He said he understood but it should be fine from now on....Well he came over that night and we chatted about all that stuff and he said he fully understood why I felt insecure...blah blah blah, yes we ML and chatted about his work and stuff and he went home about and hour and a half later. I didn't speak to him Wednesday or Thursday but had sent him a text message Wed morning and didn't get a reply until Wed night. Well this told me that he was probably with her as that is the only time he doesn't have his phone. So I did nothing and when he rang me Friday morning at work to put his Footy Tips in, I calmly said "Why did you spend alot of time with OW on Wednesday and Thursday, when you had told me that wouldn't be happening" He said "My god I can't believe you know about that but let me explain" I said "Go for it" He said "Brett had a problem at work on Wednesday with Phil(Their boss) and walked out(Brett is OW's son and H likes him alot). He said "OW had rung him and asked if he could go around and speak to Brett, which he apparently did and offered some advice and made a few calls. He then went around Thursday when she rang him as she had had a meeting at their workplace and asked him to go around for a coffee while she told him what had happened. H said that is all there was to it and in future if you find out I am with her ring me and I will tell you then and there what is going on. I said thats a bit hard when you don't take your phone. Anyhow I said "Whatever I just don't see how this is working out, she is always going to have an excuse and it seems you are always going to go running. I have left you alone like you asked but for what??? H said I know you have and I have noticed that, there is nothing going on with OW but I can see why you worry about it and I have been thinking about you alot. I said yeah well I don't feel comfortable about this but I will leave you alone, I will catch you next week when you pick up S. Well that night I was at the Shopping Centre and just in my car to leave when my mobile rang and it was H....this is how the convo went....
M: Hello
H: G'day how are you
M: Yeah good thanks
H: Whose voice was that when you answered (Radio was on)
M: Nobody just the radio
H: Where are you? Are you out?
M: Just leaving the Shopping Centre.
H: Are you going home now?
M: Yeah to unload my shopping
H: Are you going out after that?
M: I haven't decided yet but as I don't have the kids
I probably wont stay home all night (Mum had kids).
H: Oh who are you going out with?
M: I haven't decided yet, I have had a couple of offers.
What's with all the questions aren't you at work?
H: Yes I am, I just thought if you were going down the pub
I might meet you there after work.
M: So are you asking me to go out for a drink?
H: Well if you have other plans, I don't want to interfere
but if you are going down there with someone, I could
meet you after work.
M: So are you saying you will only meet me there if I am
going with someone else?
H: No why do you have to read so much into things.
M: I'm not but your not being clear and I want to
make sure I am clear on what you are asking.
H: O.K. would you like to meet me after work for a
drink.
M: Yes I would.
H: Did you have plans?
M: Only tentative, Darren & Tania said they may go
down the pub, but I haven't spoken to them yet.
H: Well send me a text.
M: O.K.
H: Alright I will speak to you later.
M: O.K. see ya later.
I couldn't believe the way this conversation went but I wasn't going to make it that easy. Anyhow I spoke to the other couple who were going to the pub and they said they would pick me up on the way. So I texted H and told him we would meet him there. We did and had a good night and then Tania & Darren were going home and asked if I wanted a lift and H said No I will drop her home. So he took me home and came in and stayed the night and didn't leave until he had to go to work the next day. I didn't ask him what all this meant just said "thanks I enjoyed the time we had" H said he did too....That was that, I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day and Sunday I had to message him as my Sons bike had a flat and he needed it for school the next day and I couldn't undo the bolt that held on the wheel. H said he would come over straight after work. Which he did, he fixed the wheel and then said he had to go as he had an early start the next day, he gave me a cuddle and a kiss and I said "Is everything alright with you" and he said "Yeah I am just very tired it has been busy at work" I said "Well I guess I will hear from you later in the week" H said "yes" so I said "O.K. see ya later and thankyou as I wouldn't have been able to fix the bike on my own" H said "No problem" and that was that. So as you can see it has been a fairly eventful week and who knows what I am to make of it all. I can only say that any other time I have quizzed him about OW he has got very defensive and quite blunt on the phone and this time he does not seem to be the same he seems quite intent on explaining what has been going on. Do I believe him, I think so but who really knows. I am just playing things cool and we will see so now you can see how I said I think my rollercoaster is picking up speed. OW is certainly making sure she tries to hold on to him by making him feel important and needed as an excuse to see him so I can only hope that he sees her as pursuing and me as doing what he asked. Maybe that will make him miss me more....Sorry for the longwinded update but there you have it if you stayed long enough to read this then thankyou...Until next drama....KDU

[still_hopeful]

Holy moly KDU...you have alot going on I see!
I think you've made some progress...I am going to caution to not go overboard with being demanding...set boundaries, yes, but don't throw out all the DB stuff. H isn't home yet. H is still interacting with OW. Make yourself the OBVIOUSLY better option. What started turning things around was the OW was being demanding, you were not pressuring. So be careful.

[kismet]

Kim, that is a lot of stuff to deal with. Yes, I think that you are right. Let OW pursue and dig her own grave. Where do these women come from?
You can do this, just be patient and DB your heart out

[hellkat]

KDU - I dug back thru a few of your posts to find this.

Re: I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW [Re: KimDownUnder]
#949169 - 08/07/05 09:35

I would not put too much into what he says as far as he and OW, sadly he'll never be completely honest and you'll only get his version. Remember theres always 3 sides to a story...yours his and the truth. He makes her out to you the way he WANTS you to see her - he does the same with her. Believe me the last thing he wants is for the two of you to know the truth about what exactly it is he's doing

Kim - I know you want to believe him, and I know right now that gut feeling you have of 'not' beliving him is gnawing at you and your sitting there going WTF! But lets pick this one apart, lets take away expectations, and get down to DR reality.

First of all lets say the month comes and goes and H isnt home - BUT you see alot of positives and consistancies, however you see he's not quite ready to 'move home'. Are you going to throw your hands up and say well the month has come and gone and he's not home so I quit? no, of course not. So forget the time limit at least for now, besides time limits have too much pressure on them as it is.

she is always going to have an excuse and it seems you are always going to go running. expect this, she's not going to back down and will most likely agree to whatever he says at this point, even if it means going back to keeping it on the DL for now, she will try to pull him back to her. I know it sucks and it's not fair and you feel you shouldnt have to entertain the thought of it, but affairs are down low and dirty and so are the people that get caught up in them. The H your dealing with right now, is not the same H you are used to dealing with, so always expect the unexpected. You confronted your H on this, well more like walked in and nailed his a$$ to the wall with it. And you got excuses and more excuses and detailed excuses. These 'detailed' excuses are the ones that immediately throw up a red flag - they're just a bit too convincing arent they. Again, this is where the 'dont believe anything you hear and only 1/2 of what you see' fall into place. He say's nothings going on - but yet you clearly see something is going on, just not sure what that something is yet.

It's really way too early in the game to see anything consistant right now other then your H is still confused and your riding the merry go round from hell. so give yourself some lee-way before you start comparing what you find consistant, either him weaning away from OW and the contact is less and less, or are you seeing just more of the same? remember Rome wasnt built in a day.

But most importantly - dont put yourself second, if you have plans and H asks you out - dont cancel your plans to go out with him, just set up plans for the next night or the night after, sometimes the less available we are the more desirable we are.

Also, this part is sneaky and maybe it's against DR, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire and get a little dirty yourself. Dont confront H with everything you find out - keep what you know to yourself for a while, it will be hard not to confront him especially if you catch him lying. But sadly sometimes its the only way to get the truth.

For example, say you find out he and OW have dinner thrusday night, you dont say a word to him about it, and friday rolls around and you casually say "I tried to call you the other night, but you didnt answer so I figured you were working/at the gym/out with Tom/out with your mom" or something very 'innocent'. See what his answer is - yes as a matter a fact I did go out with Tom/mom/Bob/Bill. Theres the lie - no need to confront him with it just to get more lies from him. But dont jump the gun with the first lie either, use it to your advantage, wait for the next tidbit of info you get (remember not hear say, but proof) do the same, see if you get a similar answer or the truth...........after a while if it's just lies on top of lies at least YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. strange huh?

But again expect the unexpected - he may say well OW and I went to dinner for this that or the other reason. If he is honest with you, just say 'I appreciate your honesty' and leave it at that - dont try to dig deeper. And again wait for the next tidbit (if any at all) and go from there.

Like I said, yes it's sneaky but either way whether he lies or he's honest - you know the truth, what you do with it is up to you.

[yoyogirl]

after a while if it's just lies on top of lies

Don't you just hate this? No, I have not discovered any NEW lies on top of lies. But the memory still hurts!

I guessed you just have to feign memory loss of the existence of OW and not mention her at all. I know it's d@mn hard. I don't think you should confront them (H and OW) together, it makes you look like the d@rned pitiful wife who comes up and tries to make trouble. (Sorry... I know I sound harsh. BUt confronting H and OW is a NO NO. I mean we ACT As-If there is no such person, right?)

[still_hopeful]

You are getting some sound advice here.
Don't backslide into the typical patterns that occur pre-DB. Be strong, strong, strong. Remember, you have no control over what he does...so trying to force him to do it your way won't work. You have great control over how you handle it...don't be reactionary, or demanding, or any of that...
Be the DB angel we know you are...even if your blood is boiling inside. It is the lies that cause most harm. And even after all this...we somehow have this hope that the lies will stop. Your H is still on the fence, so DB with that perspective.
Baby steps...that he is vocalizing to you he doesn't want to let you go yet...but he is not ready to give up OW at this point, sucks to hear, doesn't it?
You and I are in very similar sitchs. re: that. My H says he is not dating anyone, but I don't buy it. My H is on the fence as well.
This is where incredible amount of patience, of detachment, of living your life for YOU right now are what you must do. With every interaction with your H, keep it positive, stop initiating R talks, etc. etc.
I know that with your mother's offer, you see that the time to rebuild your M is now. But your H's timeline may be different.
If you feel you can't be strong enough to keep going like this, or are just fed up, (where I have been for awhile), then this is an opportune time for you to really start building your life and focusing your life on you...preparing it to live without H, just not worrying about him, thinking maybe he'll come around before I quit, maybe he won't. But meanwhile I am going to live a life I deserve!
Considering you've made it very clear what you want...and maybe have presented a little bit of chasing behavior...I think you ought to consider going dark for a bit...and really focus on you. And any interaction...he may expect you to pressure, want answers, etc. etc., so don't do what he expects...be happy, be living life large, as if he is not the primary concern.

[kaydeekay]

KDU-

I agree with SH. It sounds as though H is still on the fence and really not wanting to give up OW just yet. Don't make the mistake I made and allow H back home (because I did) he will only be depressed for OW and start getting confused. This is what happended to my H and he was soooo confused and depressed over OW that he announced that he wanted a D and then filed papers shortly after. Even after he told me it was over between them he still yearned for her I don't think my H was in a clear state of mind when he made the decision, but I'll never know for sure. My advice would be forget the timeline you have on H to return home and start building a life for yourself in the event things don't turn out like you want them to. I know this is very hard to move on with your life without him when he's practically setting in the wings making up his mind on your M. I think if I had continued my detachment that I started back in March, maybe things would have turned out different for me. But once H told me he wanted to work on our marriage, all my DB'ing went out the window and I was back to pressuring him..."When are you going to come back home, blah, blah, blah."

I'm finally at a point in my life where I can accept the fact that maybe H and I will never get back together and I know I can move on without H. It hurts like hell but there is nothing I can do to make H come back to me. I do miss and love him very much, but I feel I got some of my self-respect back after letting him walk over me these past six months. I was an indpendent person to a certain degree when I was with H, but now I feel it more than I ever have.

Sorry for the rambling. I know you can get through this, you are a very strong woman!!!