KDU, this is heading in the right direction. It sounds to me as though you are doing all the right things. Now, I don't have any advice as am nowhere near this progress in my situation, but I just wanted to say "Hang in there". I hope that it all works out. It would be so hard not to get your hopes up at this stage. Personally, I would be doing a "happy happy dance". Maybe don't express your concerns about OW as yet, and just leave it and see where WAH wants it to be. I would be too scared to rock the boat right now, unless it is a matter where you have to. Sending you positive vibes
Hey KDU! First, it's good to be happy about the progress that's been made! Be happy he decided he's coming back. Just don't be happy that he *is* back until he walks through the door, suitcase in hand.
As for him and Ow, if he still wants to be friends with her, you'll have to decide how long you're willing to let him live with one foot in each world. I think your chances for full recovery are best if he completely cuts it off with her when he comes back. Is there any chance he can find another job away from her? If not, he'll have to make his life completely transparent to you and do it without resentment. But that's a bridge that doesn't have to be crossed just yet. Just keeping DB'ing like you have been until you find it's not working any more.
Good luck!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
KDU...I'm going to ask the same question BB asked, is it possible that H get another job? I think that once H does move back home and OW knows this, I'm sure she will make it hard for him; plus her friends that work there too will probably make it hard on him. Would this make H angry towards you if this were to happen? Can he make a transfer or work a different shift away from OW? In my opinion if a WAS is serious about working on the M I would think they would want to do what was right, i.e. no more contact with OP, if they work together WAS would need to find employment elsewhere, counseling for themselves because I'm sure there is a lot of guilt that they need to deal with.
My question is this, do I apply pressure now about him and her being friends, and ask does he still expect to see her as a friend outside of work, or do I just wait and see what happens for the moment and tackle it when he comes home
I wouldn't put pressure on him right now about OW. Once H is 100 percent committed to working on the M, then I would tell H that he have no more contact with OW...period. A marriage is between 2 people, not 3.
I know you are excited that H is "thinking" about coming home and working on the M...please don't get your hopes up too high. I really don't want to see you get hurt all over again. (((((KDU))))
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
O.K. everyone thankyou for your input and keep it coming. Now yesterday as you know H worked for our company, well when he came back into the office at the end of the day, I was the only one here and he was nice and kisses and cuddles etc and he did say he knows it must be hard for me to just sit back and wait and I said yes it is and I do have one question for you. He said fire away and I said you know how you said you wanted to make it friends with OW what did you mean by that. He said fair enough, what I meant was that in order to make it bearable at work thats how she would have to see it end. As you know I work with her and the other Kitchen girls and have to often tell them what to do it will be very difficult if none of them are speaking to me and hard to explain to my boss. So if I make her think that friends is better for her and me it wont end as nasty or at least thats what I am hoping. I dont expect or want contact with her once I come home and I wouldn't expect you to condone that anyway. Once it is over it will be over and I will not have contact with her outside of work. He also said he was open to the idea of getting another job but wouldn't leave his current job until he found another. So I guess I will just have to wait and see at the moment. I will just continue to GAL wont pressure him or ask anymore questions unless he brings it up and see what happens over the next week or so. So I guess in a way I will detach a little but still be very happy and upbeat when we have contact, that way I wont look like I am pursuing and if he asks me about it I will say that I can't control the sitch that we are in only he can and whilst the door is open I am not going to sit back and wait, the ball is in his court so to speak.....So there we go that's where it is at. I am feeling very positive but heed your words and will try and play it down a bit and see what happens, hopefully it will prompt him into doing something quickly. I must admit the last 2 days he has seemed like my old H in the way he speaks and looks at me and the way he touches and interacts with me so who knows. I have to understand that I can't control this and sit back and wait and have patience and he will do whatever he is going to do.....So what do you all think. Keep the thoughts and ideas coming as it really does help me not to lose my head over this whole thing. Also thankyou to the newcomers that have posted here for the first time I appreciated you input as much as my fellow friends...Thanks all....KDU
I think it is a huge positive that he realizes he can't have contact with her out of respect for you. It's also good that he brought it up, and answered your question calmly, and seems like he had thought about it. I have to say I would like to see him get another job for your sake, but can understand he won't leave that one until he finds one. Maybe something to look for is when he comes home, does he start looking for another job? That would give you the reassurance he is serious. Also, at some point he will have to realize that his life is going to have to be an open book to you...and he will need to understand if you feel the need to check up on him during the day. I think when the spouse that has been unfaithful can be understanding of that and can handle it without getting frustrated, it is a huge advantage in your healing. When my H cheated the 1st time, he figured when I forgave him, it meant I just automatically had to start trusting him again too. He always resented it if I questioned him, saying it made him feel like a child who was being punished. So his attitude toward it will play a role also.
Hey KDU - well your H seems to talk the talk pretty well, and I'll definately be keeping tabs on your thread to see if he starts walking the walk.
By him discussing with you what he meant was a positive in itself. He didnt get all defensive and answered your question without hesitation. And he did acknowledge that it must be hard on you, so at least he's showing some concern.
Of course I will tell you to 'tread lightly' here, things dont happen over night we all know this and though we practice our patience it's seems to somehow spread a little thin at times. This is when you need to be or at least project that you are at you most securest and confident of yourself. You know your own worth and dont settle for less!
Hey, KDU. The best part of your whole post is how positive you're feeling! When you're feeling good like this, take some time to realize that you can feel this good about yourself with or without H. Really think about it and believe it. It will only make you happier with yourself and more attractive to H.
For now all we've got are words and not actions, but at least they're definitely the right words! I'm impressed that he's willing to look for another job and doesn't seem resentful of the idea.
Quote: So I guess I will just have to wait and see at the moment. I will just continue to GAL wont pressure him or ask anymore questions unless he brings it up and see what happens over the next week or so. So I guess in a way I will detach a little but still be very happy and upbeat when we have contact, that way I wont look like I am pursuing and if he asks me about it I will say that I can't control the sitch that we are in only he can and whilst the door is open I am not going to sit back and wait, the ball is in his court so to speak.....
Perfect.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
O.K. guys here we go.....Yesterday when H came back to the office I acted a bit stand offish but cheerful. I didn't kiss him or anything he kissed me goodbye and I turned my cheek rather than offer my lips and he said he'd see me tomorrow. I said yep no worries must go gotta pick up S. As I pulled out he waved to me about 3 times and i waved back just the once. I thought to myself lets see him start pursuing, it was going to take all my effort but that is what I thought I would do. Well today is my birthday and I hadn't had a phone call or anything from H and I was getting very annoyed. Then about 2hours ago he pulls up at work and waltzes in and says "Happy Birthday" no kiss. I looked up and said Thankyou and then continued at my keyboard. He then said "Hey were you upset with me last night?" I replied "No not upset just giving you space and allowing you to control our contact". He said "Are you getting impatient" and I said "Well I wont deny that I am eager for it to be over but I promised you I would be patient and not pressure and I believe I am doing that" He said "Yes you have" and I said "Good as I am trying". H then said "How come you haven't tried to give me a kiss or a cuddle yet" and I said " b/c I am letting you make the moves at the moment" He said "Kim, you have always been the one that has shown your affection outward, I never have, but I like that about you, I like it when you kiss me and show affection and that's when I like to give it back. I said "I just thought you may have found it smothering and I don't want to make you feel any more pressured than I am sure you already do" He said "Kim don't read so much into things, just be yourself, I know what you are like, it's fine". I just smiled and said "O.K. but the whole thing is difficult" He said "I know but this should make you happy" and I looked at him and with a sheepish grin he said "I broke it of with her last night - it's over". Well knock me over with a feather, that was the last thing I expected him to say, my god, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I just gave him a huge hug and said "Thankyou so much, this is the best birthday present ever" H said "I know" So anyway we were a bit cuddly for awhile and spoke about a few things, which I will tell you all in a minute and then said "Come on, I need your carkeys", I said "Why" and he said "Well i have some presents in the car for you and I want to put them in your car as when you get home you can tell the kids I put them there and they can give them to you". So of course I gave him my keys and nearly hi-fived myself as I was dancing around my office in total ecstasy. Anyhow he came back in smooched again and said he needed to go home for a sleep(he is working a nightshift for next 4 nights)and that he would ring me tonight and would come over tomorrow night between me getting home and him going to work....We also discussed when he was here a few things and this is in no particular order as I don't remember the exact order but..... He again said he doesn't want to see her outside of work. When asked if he could resist her advances if she made any he said yes as he has made his decision and that wont change...He will give notice on his van and be able to move back into house in 2 weeks....He is going to take a month off work, when he moves back to give us a good go at it alone and said he feels shitty for the heartache he has caused 2 people recently (me and OW) but that even though he feels bad he knows he has made the right decision.... So guys and gals as you can imagine I am on cloud nine, I know I know he is not home yet and alot could happen (Although it wouldn't want to) but it is one very very good sign. I will keep you informed of the goings on but it will be in big letters the day he comes home....O.K. words of advice and caution bring it on I need some levelling as my head is in the clouds so lay it on me it might make me calmer.....KDU
((((((Kim))))))) I am soooo happy for you!!! What can I say? I would be on cloud 9 too...if my H were to say "I want you to join me in Country X". I guessed you ARE ALLOWED to be on Cloud 9, but do come down from up there, okay? I think it would be lots of hard hard work. Things doesn't stop here. You would still need to continue with your DBING, until he comes home, and continue to DBING even harder to mend your M back on track when he is home. I sincerely hope that this BREAK-UP is for real! Don't want to sound pessimistic but just to compare with my sitch, my H also broke-off with OW but still continued...even after he said that he has MADE the decision. So, just be cautious with your little heart, but at the same time relish all the POSITIVES! You and I need to hold hands, hold our breath...and continue to DBING like h@ll to see through this!!!
