"Going Dark" - 101

[Jamesjohn]

Wardacres -

"Haven't heard a word from her...prior to DBing, I would email her and attempt to call her. She simply deleted my emails and won't answer the phone."

Around that point of time, what were your e-mails and conversations about? Let me guess, OR stuff, right?! Didn't work, did it? What was the lesson in this?

"How and when do I attempt contact?"

or

"How long should I stay dark?"

Statistics prove that a person should stay dark approximately 368,243 seconds for every year of marriage. Unless the second full moon of the month falls in that period of time, in which case you would have to add another 387 minutes.

But, that's just statistical data, which has nothing to do with any of our situations or the real world, right?!

I think a good rule of thumb for a person is when they can get rid of any whiney, judgemental, pitiful, sad, etc. behaviours, and can be a little more centered on their goals. When you can treat your partner as you would a friend. Until you get there, it's probably better to remain hidden.

Another rule of thumb is to wait until your partner makes contact with you. Although this is also good, sometimes the period of time becomes rather "extended". If you start running into 2, 3 or 6 months without having ANY contact, it might be time to take a closer look to see if what you're doing is really working, and, if not, do something different.

I tried to keep my "re-entry into light" pretty light, yet personal. A funny birthday card, like you would give to a friend. A funny birthday card from our dog. During an annual trade show of mine, I sent her a card of thanks and appreciation for all the support and understanding she had for me during the shows of the years past. She loves birds, so I occasionally sent her some info I found on the internet about them. A "Rocky Horror Picture Show" video. Some Lucille Ball commerative stamps, just 'cuz "She Loves Lucy"!

No I love you's, no I miss you's, or any other OR stuff. Just things that I knew she would appreciate, some things that no one else could know were special to her. Over a period of time, and with no expectations of any calls, of any thank you's. (It usually only took about a week before I would hear from her, and had pleasant conversations. NO OR!!!)

Some may think this borders on persuit, but I believe that someone needs to be the first one to reach their hand out eventually, to instigate some kind of contact, unless you want to spend the rest of your days in the dark.

Again, this may not be for everybody, but it's what worked for me.

JJ