KDK - I don't know why they prefer to believe OW or doubt our word so much but the fact is they do and we cannot do anything about it so don't bother trying eventually they see the truth. Glj - Thanks for your kind words they help alot and I am glad you are thinking on the positive side of my sitch, it encourages me and you will see why in a minute when I update. YoYo - Waffle away my dear it is fine and I agree with all that you said and yes we will hold hands throughout this journey it can only get better or I think it will wait for my update you will know what I mean. DMF - What is the go with you, have I offended you??? You are not talking to me, I know you are looking in but no words of advice or caution, I loved our chats and valued your input so please explain my dear?????? BB - Thanks for those links I get it now and love the term that is exactly what she is, I am sure it is what my H may have thought I was but oh well(lol) UPDATE....... O.K. guys hopefully I want go on and on, I will try and just cover the facts....... H came to get S on Friday night and we had a coffee and a bit of a chat about his work and nothing of great significance but he was in no hurry to leave. So we were watching the news whilst both sitting on the couch and H lent against me and I did my old normal thing of rubbing his back and rubbing his chest when he leans against me. H then wanted me to massage his legs and took me to my bedroom I gave him a full massage and deliberatley kept away from his middle region....Anyhow I thought H had gone to sleep so I went out and put a DVD on for S and walked in bedroom to get the oil and towel to put away and H asked me to lock the door.....Well don't have to tell much more I will leave it to your imaginations When we came out H said he better get going as OW would probably have rung him by now and he was very late (hehehe too bad). So H and S left, I went and had a shower and then my girlfriend came over and we polished off 2 bottles of red wine and had a fabulous time as it was a real girlie night, which I think I needed. Saturday H dropped home S and another girlfriend was over with her 3 month old baby so H spoke to her for a bit but then go going so I walked him out to his car. He gave me a big hug and a kiss and I said to him how are you going with your decision, still not sleeping (He had told me it was all he could think about and wasn't sleeping b/c of it) H said it is still playing on my mind but it's a bit better and i said O.K. I will wait till you make up your mind there is no pressure and he said....Look Kim, as soon as she gives me an opening to make it just friends with her I will do it, but it may take a little time....I looked at him with a smile and said Have I just heard you correctly, I don't want to misunderstand what you just said, and he said what do you think I said, and I said I think you just said that when you can make it just friends with her you will and then you will be coming home, and he said "that's right" well I just wrapped my arms around him and said "Thankyou that is all I have wanted to hear for 6 months, you have made me a happy woman" He was smiling and said "Yes but have some patience and it will happen" I said "Yep fine at least I have my answer"...... Well you can imagine I was on cloud nine..... Sunday I met H at S's football match and when I got there H was already there and god he looked appealing as I walked up to him (he had his back to me but his bum looked very cute ) Anyhow we kissed hello and he said "You seem happy" and I said "That's b/c I am, I am the happiest I have been in 6 months" H said "I know" and smiled. So we were watching S's game and I said "Oh bloody hell that means I will have to find you some wardrobe room over the next few weeks" H said "You just do what you have to and don't worry about it" I didn't really get this comment but I let it slide...anyhow when H was leaving to go home he gave me a hug and a kiss and I said "I know you need time but don't take too long as the next few weeks are going to be the longest of my life" H said "I know but I told you I need some time so just give me that and it will be fine" I said "I know I am just don't take too long and make some time for us when you can". H said "I will and I'll try not to take too long, I wont drag it out" Anyway we said our goodbyes and that was that......So hopefully this means H will be coming home BUT I know better than to pysche myself up too much as OW may have other ideas and I know how much they can confuse our H's so one day at a time. I will not mention OW to H now for a week or more and when I do it will just be "How's things, obviously you haven't had your opening yet" and then see......O.K. bring it on keep me on track I know I have to take things slow and have alot of patience and give him the time he needs and I will it's just hard as my head says if he wants to come home he would just tell her and come home but life doesn't seem to follow normal expectations with people who have wandered from their spouse it is a whole different set of rules and i didn't want to play this dumb game in the first place but now that I am I have to follow the unwritten rules. Its just hard as we are the ones that sacrifice so much but I must admit I would rather have my H in my life than out of it, oh and I did say to H yesterday that it was the break I think we needed to have to make our R stronger and to make us both realise how important it was and H agreed with me. So I need to focus on the positives, have patience and take each day as it comes so that is what I will do as I can reap the rewards later on down the track when my M is sorted. O.K. tell me your thoughts and concerns and BB tell me what the male here thinks about what he has said can you see anything going on that I can't????? Thanks guys KDU
Hi KDU, I just want you to keep your heart a little protected still (and I sure don't want to be negative and rain on your parade so that's not what i'm meaning) my experience with kind of this sitch about 4 months ago was H said he needed to come home cause that's where he belonged with his wife and family....even went so far as to cry to D7 and tell her Daddy would never leave again, this is where he needed to be with his family that he loved and where is he now!!! So all i am saying is please be careful as the let down (hope there isn't one)for me was as bad as the initial find out almost. Just want you to take care of yourself no matter what H says look out for YOU first and then the M.
Just my two words hope I didn't offend as that is definately not my intent. I wish you all the best as this is what I myself want but who knows for me
KDU - I am happy for you in your little positives. But I would agree with Anglewings on "being a little cautious". If you see my thread...I am still threading very lightly in my sitch. I think starting to clear wardrobe space may get yourself so INTO H moving back. What I am saying is don't do any physical changes to anticipate his moving back. Cause as we all know, they are SOOOO YOYO, and you might not know what OW may do to his head. You will be really really hurt when he decide against moving back. Let everything be as-is. If he moves back in, so what if he has no wardrobe space? You just grab a whole lot of your stuff out and dump it in the spare room to make space. I think making wardrobe space is the least of your concerns! Again, not trying to rain on your parade...but I think you and I are in the some sort of the same sitch now... with our H telling us "GIve me some time, and I will make it right". So.... Sista Goddess. We need to continue with GAL and PMA; and not sit around to wait for our H to fully-COME Back.
I will not mention OW to H now for a week or more and when I do it will just be "How's things, obviously you haven't had your opening yet"
it's good that you dont bring her up to him, but I wouldnt even bring the 'opening to end things' with her either. I know you want answers and want to know 'when', but from all the back and forth I've gone thru and our sitches being so simlar, I have found that in their eyes it only makes you look ansy and pushy.
KDU - to be brutally honest with you, I would have NO expectations from your H right now. And I know your walking on cloud nine and probably doing alot of the same things I did. You start picturing him back home already and how things are going to go, and your thinking THIS TIME it's gonna work and I'll make sure of it, things are going to be great. That's what I did and it felt like such a set up for heartache when he didnt come thru in the end.
I dont want to see that happen to you - I would not put too much into what he says as far as he and OW, sadly he'll never be completely honest and you'll only get his version. Remember theres always 3 sides to a story...yours his and the truth. He makes her out to you the way he WANTS you to see her - he does the same with her. Believe me the last thing he wants is for the two of you to know the truth about what exactly it is he's doing.
Try to look at things this way and see if it helps. Ok, we both know what the deal is - theres no need to discuss 'when' anymore because no-one really knows when, not even your H. You understand and are willing to be 'patient' and wait. So to bring it up 'when' with him is really pointless. He could say tuesday, but then come tuesday he may say well just a few more days. Look for signs that he's really got a plan of ending things w/OW, not just what he says but what he does. If he starts hanging out at your place longer and longer each time, not worrying so much about catching hell from OW - that's a good sign. Things like that.
Make the most of the time you do have together without the worries of 'when'. Focus on having fun together - no R talks unless he initiates them. See how he reacts to you being you, the real you, the fun you, the 'old' you. And then after time if you see good signs then it will be that much less stressful when he does come home. But if you find he's not really making an effort to come home, and just talking hot air, then you may want to ask yourself 'how long am I willing to wait?'
I dont mean to sound negative and I'm sorry if I did. I know how hard this is for you and I hope he comes running home girl, he'd be a fool not to!
Thanks guys I hear you and i hear your caution so I will be careful and take your advice. Yes Yoyo I do feel we are in similair sitch's so day by day hey.... Hellkat yes I will look for those signs and take your advice and lets see what he does.....KDU
Quote: "...you will be coming home, and he said "that's right"
HALLELUJAH!
Quote: ...as soon as she gives me an opening to make it just friends with her I will do it, but it may take a little time...
Ah, so we're not out of the woods yet.
This reminds me of running a long race, like a 10k or a marathon or something. The whole race you concentrate on keeping your form, staying relaxed, making sure you drink enough water; you're doing everything you can to make sure you can cross the finish line in the shortest time possible for you. That's all you think about. You keep going and going like that. Then you see the finish line and your natural reaction is to be elated because it's finally almost finished! Soon all the mental effort it's taken to stay relaxed and keep running properly despite the pain and fatigue will be finished! You want to put all your effort into one great heave and push yourself across the finish line and be done!
But that actually slows you down. Your muscles tighten and you're not running smoothly any more. People around you who are staying relaxed and letting their stride flow start passing you. Sometimes that makes you more desperate so you try to push harder but you're still just getting more tense and your running gets worse.
So the point is, rather than burning up your remaining energy in a last gasp to the finish line, what's important is that you maintain your mental discipline. Your mind has to not allow you get too exuberant and start wasting energy. It has to keep you focused and relaxed and make sure you keep doing what you've been doing to get to this point. Maybe you can pick up the pace because you don't have to save so much energy once the finish line is in sight, but you can't break the form that got you this far.
Right now you're in a tougher place than even that runner, because the runner knows once he can see the finish line, nobody's going to move it on him. But whether your finish line moves or not, you have to keep doing what you've been doing to try to win this race! Keep your PMA, GAL as much as you can, don't give him any worries that finding out he may return soon will change you from the person he's decided he wants to be with. It takes a lot of mental energy but now is when you need it more than ever. So keep going with all the DB'ing knowledge you've gained so far! Do your best to become even better between now and whenever he decides to move back. After all you've dealt with so far, there's no doubt you can see this through to the finish line, at least as far as your part of it. We've both learned the hard way that just doing our part of it doesn't guarantee we get what we want, or even what we deserve.
The thing that makes me especially emphasize you staying the course is this comment:
Quote: ...I said "Oh bloody hell that means I will have to find you some wardrobe room over the next few weeks" H said "You just do what you have to and don't worry about it"
He doesn't want you to make it too easy for him. He knows he messed you over and to come back to you means he's going to mess over the harpy, and he's going to feel bad about that whether we think she deserves it or not. So he's got some things to sort out before he's going to be completely happy and comfortable with himself again. Maybe that's why your offer of the kids going to your parents seems to have been helpful; he feels like he'll have some space to adjust and won't just be expected to fall into the role of great husband and father, because maybe he doesn't think he deserves that right now. It's probably good that you were enthusiastic when he first mentioned coming back because I'm sure it helped him feel like he's making the right decision. And that's very good. But now you might consider adding a little bit to your statements. Maybe when you feel like saying, "I'm so happy you're coming back" you might go with, "I'm so happy we're getting another chance to make our M what we both know it could be". Let him know you guys are going to earn your way back to a great relationship. He doesn't want his mere presence to be what makes you happy and what makes the M work. He wants to atone for what he's done in some way. He might not want to apologize and it's doubtful he wants you to try to make him feel bad about it. But he does need some way to make things right instead of everything just being handed to him. That's probably a lot to take out of one statement so take it with a grain of salt. But I do think it's a clear indication that if you try to make everything wonderful in preparation for his return, he's going to see that more as desperation and neediness than as support.
His statement that as soon as she gives him an opening to make it just friends he will is also a little troublesome. I can see how he doesn't want to feel like he's just going around breaking hearts whenever it's convenient for him. But waiting for her to give him an opening puts a lot of power in her hands. It would have been more positive if he'd said, "I'm going to spend some time moving the R between Ow and me to a friendship basis". After all, why would she give him that opening? At some point he's going to have to be willing to make things happen or else the sitch will just keep stuck where it is.
But anyway, congratulations! You're in a great place and you deserve to feel great about that! Now bear down and keep being irresistible!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
KDU.... I must agree with everyone else when it comes to protecting your heart but at the same time enjoy your happiness. I wouldnt clean out the closets yet but I would enjoy the thoughts of your H coming home. I am so happy that he stated that is what he wants....enjoy the thoughts and stay protected!
KDU- I too agree with everyone else. Please don't get your hopes up too high...I know it's hard not to. Be patient. I've made the mistake when H said he was ready to come home within a week. I kept pressuring him to come home earlier and looking back that made me look to needy. I would give H the time and space he needs to fully be ready.
I am happy that he is ready to come home and work on your M. Just be patient. (((((KDU)))))
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
he said....Look Kim, as soon as she gives me an opening to make it just friends with her I will do it, but it may take a little time....I looked at him with a smile and said Have I just heard you correctly, I don't want to misunderstand what you just said, and he said what do you think I said, and I said I think you just said that when you can make it just friends with her you will and then you will be coming home, and he said "that's right" well I just wrapped my arms around him and said "Thankyou that is all I have wanted to hear for 6 months, you have made me a happy woman" He was smiling and said "Yes but have some patience and it will happen" I said "Yep fine at least I have my answer"...... Well you can imagine I was on cloud nine.....
I really hate to burst your bubble there baby, but H's wishing to maintain OW in his life "as a friend" indicates that he's not totally committed to you, understand? So, leggo the enthusiasm because he'll take that as an OK to stay in his comfort zone, and I wouldn't be surprised if we see posts coming from you about you've found out that he's still seeing her blah, blah.
Take it for what's it worth now, keep on course, stay detached but lovingly supportive, don't show enthusiasm, don't pursue, keep GAL and all, and keep an eye out for better results than this.
I hate to say it but I'm just as leery as NYS here. Obviously I wouldn't press him on keeping her as a friend right now. However, in my opinion, I can't see how he could come back, eventually have you two back 100% and still have her as a friend.
In a couple of the books I read (including "Surviving an Affair" by Willard F. Harley), it is recommended that if and when the LBS wants to come home from the affair, many things must happen or it just won't work, such as:
1. He must sever COMPLETELY from the OW. 2. Change e-mail address, cell phone #, your home phone #. 3. If they work together he needs to transfer or find another job. 4. Carry a phone or pager just so you can reach him 24/7 (sounds harsh, but hey it's his job to do whatever it takes to help rebuild your trust.
There are others, but I'd recommend getting the book. There's good stuff in it for someone who is at your point in the game.
Take it all for what it's worth. I just think that if it was me in his shoes and I was truly committed to coming back to you and making a go of it, I'd be on my knees, apologizing profusely and wouldn't even think of putting out there an "I want to come back but I don't want to hurt "her" so I'm going to take my time. You just have to bear with me on that. Oh yeah, also, I want to stay friends with her too. Is that OK?" It just don't sound kosher to me...
I hope you don't take that as just me knocking down your hopes, it's just that it takes a lot more for me to buy in.
I gave him a full massage and deliberatley kept away from his middle region....Anyhow I thought H had gone to sleep so I went out and put a DVD on for S and walked in bedroom to get the oil and towel to put away and H asked me to lock the door.....Well don't have to tell much more I will leave it to your imaginations 
When we came out H said he better get going as OW would probably have rung him by now and he was very late (hehehe too bad). So H and S left, I went and had a shower and then my girlfriend came over and we polished off 2 bottles of red wine and had a fabulous time as it was a real girlie night, which I think I needed.
) Anyhow we kissed hello and he said "You seem happy" and I said "That's b/c I am, I am the happiest I have been in 6 months" H said "I know" and smiled. So we were watching S's game and I said "Oh bloody hell that means I will have to find you some wardrobe room over the next few weeks" H said "You just do what you have to and don't worry about it" I didn't really get this comment but I let it slide...anyhow when H was leaving to go home he gave me a hug and a kiss and I said "I know you need time but don't take too long as the next few weeks are going to be the longest of my life" H said "I know but I told you I need some time so just give me that and it will be fine" I said "I know I am just don't take too long and make some time for us when you can". H said "I will and I'll try not to take too long, I wont drag it out" Anyway we said our goodbyes and that was that......So hopefully this means H will be coming home BUT I know better than to pysche myself up too much as OW may have other ideas and I know how much they can confuse our H's so one day at a time. I will not mention OW to H now for a week or more and when I do it will just be "How's things, obviously you haven't had your opening yet" and then see......O.K. bring it on keep me on track I know I have to take things slow and have alot of patience and give him the time he needs and I will it's just hard as my head says if he wants to come home he would just tell her and come home but life doesn't seem to follow normal expectations with people who have wandered from their spouse it is a whole different set of rules and i didn't want to play this dumb game in the first place but now that I am I have to follow the unwritten rules. Its just hard as we are the ones that sacrifice so much but I must admit I would rather have my H in my life than out of it, oh and I did say to H yesterday that it was the break I think we needed to have to make our R stronger and to make us both realise how important it was and H agreed with me. So I need to focus on the positives, have patience and take each day as it comes so that is what I will do as I can reap the rewards later on down the track when my M is sorted.