I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW

[Burgbud]

"...you will be coming home, and he said "that's right"

HALLELUJAH!

...as soon as she gives me an opening to make it just friends with her I will do it, but it may take a little time...

Ah, so we're not out of the woods yet.

This reminds me of running a long race, like a 10k or a marathon or something. The whole race you concentrate on keeping your form, staying relaxed, making sure you drink enough water; you're doing everything you can to make sure you can cross the finish line in the shortest time possible for you. That's all you think about. You keep going and going like that. Then you see the finish line and your natural reaction is to be elated because it's finally almost finished! Soon all the mental effort it's taken to stay relaxed and keep running properly despite the pain and fatigue will be finished! You want to put all your effort into one great heave and push yourself across the finish line and be done!

But that actually slows you down. Your muscles tighten and you're not running smoothly any more. People around you who are staying relaxed and letting their stride flow start passing you. Sometimes that makes you more desperate so you try to push harder but you're still just getting more tense and your running gets worse.

So the point is, rather than burning up your remaining energy in a last gasp to the finish line, what's important is that you maintain your mental discipline. Your mind has to not allow you get too exuberant and start wasting energy. It has to keep you focused and relaxed and make sure you keep doing what you've been doing to get to this point. Maybe you can pick up the pace because you don't have to save so much energy once the finish line is in sight, but you can't break the form that got you this far.

Right now you're in a tougher place than even that runner, because the runner knows once he can see the finish line, nobody's going to move it on him. But whether your finish line moves or not, you have to keep doing what you've been doing to try to win this race! Keep your PMA, GAL as much as you can, don't give him any worries that finding out he may return soon will change you from the person he's decided he wants to be with. It takes a lot of mental energy but now is when you need it more than ever. So keep going with all the DB'ing knowledge you've gained so far! Do your best to become even better between now and whenever he decides to move back. After all you've dealt with so far, there's no doubt you can see this through to the finish line, at least as far as your part of it. We've both learned the hard way that just doing our part of it doesn't guarantee we get what we want, or even what we deserve.

The thing that makes me especially emphasize you staying the course is this comment:

...I said "Oh bloody hell that means I will have to find you some wardrobe room over the next few weeks" H said "You just do what you have to and don't worry about it"

He doesn't want you to make it too easy for him. He knows he messed you over and to come back to you means he's going to mess over the harpy, and he's going to feel bad about that whether we think she deserves it or not. So he's got some things to sort out before he's going to be completely happy and comfortable with himself again. Maybe that's why your offer of the kids going to your parents seems to have been helpful; he feels like he'll have some space to adjust and won't just be expected to fall into the role of great husband and father, because maybe he doesn't think he deserves that right now. It's probably good that you were enthusiastic when he first mentioned coming back because I'm sure it helped him feel like he's making the right decision. And that's very good. But now you might consider adding a little bit to your statements. Maybe when you feel like saying, "I'm so happy you're coming back" you might go with, "I'm so happy we're getting another chance to make our M what we both know it could be". Let him know you guys are going to earn your way back to a great relationship. He doesn't want his mere presence to be what makes you happy and what makes the M work. He wants to atone for what he's done in some way. He might not want to apologize and it's doubtful he wants you to try to make him feel bad about it. But he does need some way to make things right instead of everything just being handed to him. That's probably a lot to take out of one statement so take it with a grain of salt. But I do think it's a clear indication that if you try to make everything wonderful in preparation for his return, he's going to see that more as desperation and neediness than as support.

His statement that as soon as she gives him an opening to make it just friends he will is also a little troublesome. I can see how he doesn't want to feel like he's just going around breaking hearts whenever it's convenient for him. But waiting for her to give him an opening puts a lot of power in her hands. It would have been more positive if he'd said, "I'm going to spend some time moving the R between Ow and me to a friendship basis". After all, why would she give him that opening? At some point he's going to have to be willing to make things happen or else the sitch will just keep stuck where it is.

But anyway, congratulations! You're in a great place and you deserve to feel great about that! Now bear down and keep being irresistible!