JJ ~

I have very much shut myself down emotionally with W in that I do not initiate any physical contact, no ILYs (she knows that I love her) or initiate OR talks (never were many b4 [her deal, not mine] and they certainly stopped entirely with MLC). I am there if she needs something, I listen attentively to whatever she has to say, however, I listen like a lover not a lawyer (I'm very analytical). I am giving her all the "Space" she wants to do as she wants without me being in her face or questioning anything. I used to bring her flowers every Friday and did many other things for her. That has all stopped. No telephone calls during the day, either. As I mentioned in a different post, when our 19th anniversary arrived last month, I did nothing ~ no flowers, no card, no mention of it. This is a real 180 for me but I didn't want to remind her of "us." I saw it more as a "dark" thing than a 180. The morning of the anniversary she asked if we could go to dinner for our anniversay (she was first to mention the date). I told her that I would go to dinner with her in honor of our anniversary only if it wouldn't be our last anniversary. This was not presented as pursuit but a statement of how I felt about the situation ~ I was not about to celebrate a sham, if that's all it was to her. Turned out we had a very pleasant evening.

But, the pursuit has totally stopped and I spend more time doing other things and time with the children. She is geting no pressure from me to do anything; she has all the time in the world to think through whatever it is she is thinking about. If she wants to discuss anything with me, I am available.

I am not new to DB but was led astray by my wife in my first go 'round. After getting THE BOMB in August of 2000, only days after being told how wonderful I was, I went out after everything I could find to help including individual and joint therapy. I found Michelle's book in late June of 2001. Last July I had a very serious OR discussion with W(I did not have DR yet; I now know better) and she said she would read DB. While she only read half of the book, things suddenly got better. By October things were much improved and she told me she was happy and wouldn't be leaving after all. When I asked what had changed, she said, "I read your book. I wanted change so I changed." I found out at the end of this April that she had reverted to her original stance and again wanted a divorce. Angry at being misled again I took off my wedding ring and told her that since it was a symbol of her love for me to take it back; it was meaningless. She would not take it back, so we talked. I found a little more light in that black hole when I asked her about why she didn't finish the book. Her - I read most of it. Me (the lawyer) - Your book mark is on page 149, that's hardly half. Her - I got frustrated because it never said how to rekindle the flame.

WOW [Cool] [Big Grin] There is hope!!!

I bought another copy of DR (the original copy had mysteriously disappeared) found this wonderful bb (y'all have saved my sanity) and arranged a telephone consult with Vernetta (there are no SBTs here or anywhere near here). She advised that I go DARK. I spoke with wife about KLA (I had already ordered the tapes for myself) since she was, at least at one time, interested in rekindling the flame. I mentioned Vernetta and she agreed to talk with her. Vernetta was gracious enough to speak with her on the only day W has available which is not a normal day for Vernetta to take calls ~ God bless you , Vernetta. She said she found the talk very useful and is also listening to the KLA tapes.

So, I am being very calm and detached but not uncaring, acting "AS IF" and letting her work through things. I am there as a friend when she wants me but I am NOT pursuing at all. Thanks to this board, I understand how it works.

~ aplomado

dd just asked if I'd go get some fresh Krispy Kreme donuts. Guess where I'm headed? Right! [Big Grin]

~ aplomado