I am so worried that I may have pushed him to make a decision he is not ready to make
If H is not ready to make a decision when the deadline comes what will you do? Will you give him an extension of a month or so? Then when that deadline comes and he still has not made a decision, then what? You will still be in the same sitch you are in now. I don't mean to come off sounding harsh, but if H knows he can always come back to you when he's undecided and then back to OW will it ever end? I know it hurts to let someone you love go, especially to another woman. You have to decided if you want to continue in this cycle or say enough is enough, I'm done and be ready to move on with your S's life and yours. ((((Kim))))
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
Yes KDK you are right we will wait and see first I suppose. Journalling.... Spoke to H this morning he is picking up S tonight. Apparently OW messaged him at work Wednesday night to say someone rang her and said "He was not along when you were in hospital" and hung up. (Now I did not do this I haven't contacted her at all.) H asked me if I knew anything about it and I said No I dont, I made you a promise that I wouldn't speak to her even if she rang so why would I ring her. H said Look I don't know I am just sick of this $hit, I never know who to believe. I said to H, yes I can understand that and quite frankly I have had enough of her trying to form a wedge between us with her insecurities. I cannot make you believe that I am telling the truth so I am not going to bother, but if she is that insecure she is going to keep coming up with the bull$hit phone calls every couple of weeks hoping that you admit that you have been with me as that is what you did the first few times. She suckered you into spilling your guts and is trying to catch you out again. Whether we are doing anything or not she is always going to think that you are so I guess that is something you will have to sort out with her. All I can say is why don't you look at her behaviour and how much she made you pay when you did admit something was going on and the last 2 times you've denied it and not given it the time of day and she has just let it drop. That to me is someone that knows she is not getting anywhere with her accusations so she leaves it alone. If she truly had a call she would be asking for more explanations from you. H then agreed that she has let it drop a bit easy the last 2 times and I said there you go all you can do is compare her reactions and make up your own mind. He agreed and then went on about how difficult work was and that it was very busy so I listened and made the necessary remarks to make him feel worthwhile and then he mentioned that he had told one of his bosses that if things didn't improve at work in the next month he would be considering resigning. He then said not that I can really afford to do that but it is what I felt. I said well you know you have options there from our talk and he said yeah I know. I then did say have you been giving our conversation any thought or have you been too busy and tired. H said I have been busy and tired but I am not sleeping very well as that is all I have been thinking about. I said O.K. well at least your thinking seriously about it so I will leave it alone but do try and get some sleep. He then said he would try and that he would see me when he picked up S, I said yep that's fine I've got to get going now anyhow so I will see you later. We said our goodbye's and that was that. So it was a very civilised conversation which is good but I am so mad at OW for filling his head with cr@p phone calls but then maybe she is playing into my hands with her insecurities as H really seems to be sick of answering to her about me. Mind you he is keeping a secret from her. So it will be interesting to see what he has to say tonight KDU
HOORAY, KIM! You sound good. I hope you feel as good as you sound.
Your conversation went really well. I especially liked this part:
Quote: I said to H, yes I can understand that and quite frankly I have had enough of her trying to form a wedge between us with her insecurities. I cannot make you believe that I am telling the truth so I am not going to bother,...
You're doing great. The only advice I have for you to consider is to remember that it's really starting to look like she's becoming the shrewish harpy, and H will resist that. I mean come on, who loves a shrewish harpy? Next time you go to the pub ask around. You may find a few drunks who thought you asked if they'd love a fewish Harpers but outside of that, nobody. Ask anybody you meet on the street tomorrow if they love a shrewish harpy. I predict no takers. Unless maybe you're in L.A. because some of those folks'll say anything just to be different.
Point is, you're in perfect position to be the exact opposite of the shrewish harpy; you are the ultra-secure, self-loving, life-affirming, DB'er who just wants a happy life with her H. It may take him some time to really believe that, so that's what you want to show as often as you can. Try hard not to ask if he's giving your proposal any thought. He is. At worst he's intentionally pushing it out of his mind (which still requires some thought). And if that's the case you'll have to start handling things differently in the future. But for now just let her apply the pressure and push him away. All you wanna do is give him a space to get pushed into.
Do you remember when you coaxed an update out of me that really helped me vent a little when I needed to? I want to try to return the favor. Have you got something to do this weekend, something fun, maybe a little different from what you usually do? Some type of GAL thing? If so, what is it? If not, maybe you should take an assignment to come up with something. And if you have a good excuse this weekend when do you think you might make this work up?
Meanwhile, keep smiling (or start smiling) I'm cheering for you!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
BB thankyou so much for those kind works. You have made me feel a bit more positive about my conversation with H. I will act all happy when I see him tonight which I always try and do and I wont bring anything up and will just answer him with my DB skills in mind. I will show him that he is missing out on something by seeming upbeat and happy and as though I don't have a care in the world. The one thing I might entice him to talk about as we usually have a coffee when he picks up S is his problems at work. He obviously turned to OW as she was kind and understanding and listened to his so called problems so I guess that is what I need to be now. I will listen and try to come up with ideas for him to cope better with the pressures of work and validate him throughout it all. Thanks BB you have made me look at this and find the next thing to focus on with H and I think this is the safest place to start as it is all about him and him only when we talk about his work and I think that behind his own R problems that is probably his next biggest worry. I feel a lot more positive now that I have something to work towards tonight so again I thank you for focusing me. Now what is a Shrewish Harpy I may be a bit dumb I have never heard that expression before maybe we are a bit behind down under. Enlighten me please as it sounded awfully funny what you were saying but I don't think I got the whole gist of it. Glad I have been of some assistance to you on your thread thanks for that and trust me you return the favour each time you post here.....KDU
You pointed out OW's patterns perfectly to H...about her reactions
Quote: If she truly had a call she would be asking for more explanations from you.
Definately! But b/c she made it all up she can't ask questions, now can she? Your H has got to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel..when it comes to OW and how desperate and insecure she is. And he's got to see how fabulous, honest and level-headed you are!
Yes, OW is stirring up some cr@p but I think it is definately playing out in your favor.
KDU-I think I know what you are saying how the WAS belives the OP more over then their LBS. My H didn't think the OW could screw him over the way she had. HOWEVER, if I was the one that done half the sh*t she had done, I would never hear the end of it. Why do they believe the bullsh*t the OW is feeding to them????
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
(((((Kim)))))) Just want to say...Hang in there, sista! At least your H is starting to realise that OW is trying to make trouble, and he is lying to her about you. Soon, he is gonna get tired of all the lying and find out that it's all not worth it. I guessed until then, he would not be able to truly commit to the M. Because I think their head needs to realise that all this is not worth it first, and then they have to work it off their hearts. I don't know if I am right, but I see in my own sitch that my H is realising that he wants to try to commit to rebuilding the M. It's starting to be clearer in his head, but the heart is still messing things up. So, he is trying to sort out the heart part. But if someone has both their heads and hearts in the other way, it is rather difficult....just like my H a month back. Lately, I see him consciously trying to do things right...just the emotional attachment with the OW is difficult to break although he consciously thinks they have nothing in common. I guessed both of us have to wait it out....but while waiting...we need to hold each other's hands and GAL...Sorry for waffling.
I'm cheering for you!