I AM MOVING ON FROM H & OW

[KimDownUnder]

Thanks Kismet and you keep doing what you are as you are seeing some positive results.....Nobody better do what I have done as this could backfire on me badly and I will only have myself to blame but in my heart it had to be done as it is affecting my life badly and I have to move on one way or the other but please nobody follow suit as it could be the worst thing to do. I will be wrapt if it works but I don't even want to think about how far I will fall if this doesn't work as then I will have to face a life on my own with the kids and that frightens me more than anything so I dread where I will end up if he doesn't come home but time is what I have now so we shall see....KDU

[hellkat]

wow KDU! I sooooo wish you the best of luck and hope your H jumps at the chance! And how great that your mom would do that for you, but after all what are mom's for!

It was a big move on your part - no candy coating or bull$hit about it - keep us updated!

[KimDownUnder]

Hellkat say what you really think. I know I have shocked you a bit but I hear an undertone, I can take it what do you really think about it...KDU

[Burgbud]

Hey KDU, I admire your spirit! You like to make things happen! I just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know I'm thinking about you and I want to respond more fully to this when my thoughts are a little more organized. Be well until then!

[glj]

Wow KDU!

That was a very brave thing that you did...you took action on your sitch. I've had moments like that too when I followed my gut instinct, even if it might be anti-DBing, because I knew I had to do it. To me this seems like this was something you had to do, b/c after all....you're talking about your happiness here.

Now, to be frank... you have just asked your H to make a choice. You've given him a few weeks to think about it and decide. But your H may not be ready to make a choice on your time schedule ( if you hadn't brought this up do u think he would have made a choice on his own in a couple of weeks? ).

BUT....and this is a big BUT...it does not mean that this will all backfire. What you said to your H was so heartfelt and sincere...you put it all out there. You laid out a plan to really give your M another chance. Maybe your H was waiting for another chance but not sure how it could be implemented...where it had a good chance at suceeding...and where the 2 of you didn't just fall back into a routine.

The next few weeks will be hard for you...waiting to see what he says. But have faith! This may be exactly what you needed to change your sitch.

glj

[anna123]

Wow KDU! I'll confess to an audible GASP when I read your plan. Then I thought it through a little more carefully. My sister used to spend summers at my Gran's cottage, and it never caused any ill will - she loved the vacation. It sounds like your mother and your kids adore each other and this could be a great experience. With you so geographically close, you may even get more quality interaction with them than you do cohabitating with teens. Plus everyone gets a break from the emotionally-charged atmosphere.

A gutsy move and a risk. But DBing isn't only about no R talks... it's about making significant changes in the dynamic of your R. And boy, you've proven a willingness to do that.

Good on ya, mate!

[kaydeekay]

All I can say is wow KDU. That was a bold and strong move on your part. At least you let H know that you are tired of the bullsh!t and that you won't tolerate it no more. I think you layed out everything perfectly for H to think about.

I know the next few weeks are going to be agonizing . If you feel the need to call H, call somebody else or come to the board to "chat." {{{{{KDU}}}}} I'm pulling for you!!!

[Burgbud]

Hey KDU! How are you feeling now? Maybe a little sheepish but hopefully still strong? If you're worried whether you did the right thing for your R that's understandable, but I'm guessing you continue to feel that you did the right thing for you . And that is what this whole thing has got to be about. When I read your post this stood out to me: ...I regret that I possibly never let my H know how much he meant to me and how much I may have taken him forgranted until all of this happended . So now you certainly have that burden off your mind. You've done everything you could to tell him how you feel and you've shown him you're willing to take action to change the circumstances of your R. He responded inside to some level or, as you say, he would have stopped you in your tracks.

I think you have to work really hard now to leave the ball in his court. Start by forgiving yourself for your part in this mess. There's a sig around here that says something like "Forgiveness is when you stop trying to create an ideal past". This is something I have to work very hard at myself and haven't done a good job of so far. But two things have helped me think about this a little more clearly. One is something I've read a few times on these boards: you're only 100% responsible for your 50% of the R. So you may not have always done the best thing, but you didn't do everything in getting your M to where it is now. The other thing was something an internet friend of mine, who's a Methodist pastor, wrote me. He was talking about her infidelity and he said something very like, "You may have been selfish and even willfully neglectful, but this isn't how adults handle things."

So forgive yourself. You deserve to let go of a lot of guilt. We both may have screwed some things up in our Ms, but we've been busting our butts ever since to make things right. If willpower and belief were all it took to rebuild our Rs all of us around here would have been out of this mess a long time ago. But as you and I have certainly learned the hard way, we can't control another person. Even with what we deeply believe is the truth. So at some point the responsibility for our broken M is at least as much theirs as ours. We can forgive them for what they've done because we see failings in ourselves that put them on their current path. But can't we also forgive ourselves when we see the failings on their part that keep our Ms from healing?

Some of what you've written really concerns me:

I have been desperately unhappy for the last 6 months and I have tried and tried to get over all this and try and have a life without you but I can't.

My mother sat me down and said "Kim I am very worried about you, I have never ever seen you this unhappy, it is affecting your health, your kids and every other relationship in your life.

First of all, you CAN have a life without him. Maybe just not right now. But you CAN and don't let anybody tell you different.

I'm not going to preach to you here about GAL and being happy with yourself because you've read these boards long enough to know how important those things are. But I want you to consider something I've definitely come to believe is true through this ordeal: it's hard for people to be with someone who needs them in order to be happy. Maybe especially for men, who generally seem to be a little more selfish than women. (...a "little" more selfish? I wonder if the ladies will let me get away with that? ) I know this played a role in my increasing neglect for my wife's feelings. And it's one of the reasons that pursuing and especially begging don't work well. And most of all it isn't good for YOU.

Dang, I did start preaching, didn't I?

Anyway, I have a suggestion for you to consider. How about, whether or not H agrees to come home and try again, you ask your mom to take the kids for a month or two? Since you live so close you could still get your fill of their love, but you'd also have time alone to work on yourself. Maybe you need to cry harder and longer than you allow yourself to around them. If so, take a week and really CRY! Cry long, hard and often! Get it all out there. Tell your subconscious now you are dealing with your hurt feelings and your guilt and your sadness and your fear and so it's time for the subconscious to quit making you feel anxious and scared and miserable and guilty. Because you see what the problems are and you're dealing with them yourself; you don't need any more painful prodding from the back of your mind. See if you don't start feeling better after a week or two. If you don't, find a counsellor if at all possible. Or at least go to your mum's and ask her to tell you everything about yourself that's great.

Hopefully your melancholy can turn into sadness can turn into just missing H, and your need for him can turn into desire for him. I desire to eat a good dinner tonight and I'll be hungry and grouchy if I don't, but I don't need to eat dinner tonight.

This could also give you the opportunity to amend your offer a little bit. Maybe make one exception to your no contact rule. Tell H that you've decided you need the time to yourself whether he comes back to try or not. You've got some changes to make and you hope the two of you can begin making them together, but you're going to get started now. Would your mom be willing to take the kids again in the future if he decided to make the attempt in few months instead of a few weeks? It's probably a lot to ask of her but she seems to have a big heart and probably feels really good being able to help when you need it so much. And if she can, you can tell H he has a little longer to think about things, but the offer will still be open.

The more I look at it the more I think you've taken the first step to getting yourself on solid footing. You've said what you had to say in no uncertain terms and you can let yourself off the hook for that. He knows where you stand and how you feel and how much work you're willing to do. Now that ball is in his court. In your court is letting go of some bad feelings and starting to have more fun. Let mom worry about the kids (they're big kids anyway, they won't mind looking out for themselves a little bit) and you start worrying about you. Take your time for yourself to rend garments and gnash your teeth for awhile if you have to; get it all out! Then read novels or comic books or rent gladiator movies or learn how to hula. Don't pressure yourself to feel great, just get a little better every day. Well, more likely you'll be a lot better one day and a little worse the next; we all know how that goes.

The bottom line is if you're strong enough to have made it so long through this heartbreaking sitch, you're strong enough to make yourself happy, and you know that. If you ever forget ask somebody around here because we know it too and we're not afraid to remind you.

[BLONDEQT1]

Wow KDU...
That must have taken a lot out of you. What a way to stand up for what you want. Geez....that must have been tough. I think that you should fight for what you believe in...just dont let him screw with your head. I cant wait to see how things turn out. No matter what...YOU CAN live without him....I know that it seems hard but you can. I completely understand how you feel. Sometimes its like f*ck it...and the other times you want to go full force.. I hope that you are doing well about everything and I am here to listen

[KimDownUnder]

Thanks each and everyone of you who has wished me luck with this new sitch, I really appreciate it and some of the funny little comments too. Today is Tuesday here and i didn't hear from H yesterday at all and I didn't contact him either. For the past week he has rung me every day until I dropped my own bomb in his lap Sunday. Anyhow today he has rung it was just a quick call
H: G'day
M: Oh hello and how are you (with a smile in my voice)
H: Busy and tired and you
M: Yeah I am fine, what a bugger work is so busy
H: Yeah it's just how it is these days....Hey as son played away on the weekend for footy does that mean he has a home game this week?
M: No unfortunately its away.
H: Damn
M: Is that cause you thought you could make it (H is working a night shift Sat Night)
H: Yeah I just dont know yet
M: Oh well just see how you are feeling, I guess, I can
remind S that you had to work late.
H: Yeah I s'pose that's all I can do.
SILENCE
H: Well it was just a quick call to say hi
M: No worries and thanks for calling it was nice
to speak to you.
H: Yes it was
M: Well feel free whenever you feel the need
H: To chat
M: Whatever no no just to chat I better not stir you up
that could make things hard..I mean difficult...
H: Mmmmm you do get me worked up and I know you love to I will speak to you soon
M: Yep no worries bye
and I hung up........
So I was nice and playful when he called for it but that was all. I know if I had said I was there for him on an intimate level he would have taken it up but I think that has to be on a backburner so as he can make up his mind clearly.....I am glad he rang but no closer to knowing what is going on in his head and neither of us mentioned it. It has only been 2 days......
Now BB yes I hear what you are saying and I am prepared when he finally speaks to me that if he says he needs more time I will ask how much time he thinks he needs and then probably agree to it but I will probably say something like feel free to talk to me about any obstacles you might be facing as if I can offer you a solution or an alternative I would like to but if you prefer to do this completely on your own I will repect that. But he has to come and say that first....As for looking after me, that is not easy, my children are well clothed and well fed but I just feel a bit neglectful of them as I work full time and by the time I get home it is around 5.30pm and then cook tea, serve tea, clean up kitchen and do dishes. It is then time to do lunches for the next day, one or two loads of washing and a little cleaning by then it is about 8.00pm and time to get 9yo ready for bed as he goes at 8.30pm. Then i sit down for about an hour or two b4 going to bed myself. So I am not getting much relax time or rec time with the kids. Weekends is filled with housecleaning and a bit of interaction with kids. So I am too busy at the moment to concentrate on me might be a bit of a cop out but it is true at the moment but I will reread what you have said in a week or two and in the meantime I will think about it.....Thanks for everyones advice I really appreciate it and keep it coming please.....KDU