Kim Thank you for all of your support. I want you to know that I am here to help you through your stitch too. I know that this is all really confusing and we want so badly to get through this. I completely know what you mean with two steps forward and five steps back. I hope that we can all move forward and be happy in life. Stay strong and focused...they say that you can do anything as long as you believe it and put your heart into it. You are great!
Thanks BQT1 you are sweet...but you take care of you at the moment you have alot on your plate and I want to see you strong again, you can do this....... NOW FOR AN UPDATE AND TO VENT AS MY HEAD IS SWIMMING..... Last night H rang and asked me to go over and yes I did... Anyhow we ended up ML and it was good and I acted upbeat and happy the whole time and didn't initiate any R talks.....H did though.... H: I don't want to give you false hope with all this (Like that hasn't been said b4) but I do want to see where this takes us as I don't know if we are finished yet or not and I am hoping this will help to find out. M: I said yes I know I would like to see where we end up but i guess only time will tell. H: Said yeah I guess, I am still feeling comfortable with OW (aaaaargh) but I don't know where my head is at the moment (up his ar$e) M: Mmmmmm well only you can work that out and I want you to come to your own conclusions with pressure from nobody.. H then proceeded to make coffee and change the subject. So what does anyone read into that........Male opinions would be good too if they can put themselves into that position and then decifer what he really means I would love to know......Anyhow I have taken it as he has spoken it and we will just see. I will make sure next time I am not available as the memories I left him with will make him come running again soon ...Well I have been with him for 12yrs and can still surprise him which is good but it may also make him want more especially if I deny him a bit too.....I just have to keep my own head straight as this is a dangerous road but I have nothing else left. Obviously the writing must be on the wall for OW or if he was truly happy with her he wouldn't be with anyone else and wouldn't go behind her back. This makes my H look like he is a serial cheater but apparently he isn't...from what I know he hasn't cheated b4 not that I'd know how he would have found the time, this one only happened because she worked with him so that made it easier to spend shag time together but not much else.....Get this H let it slip as I said something about him staying the night away from his van and he said he never does that as he isn't allowed to stay at her place (she lives in a bungalow behind her parents house with her 21 y.o. son and she is 50) I had to ask why and he said because her father will not allow her or her son to overnight guests. Can you believe that at 50 she doesn't even stand up to her dad.....Sounds like she is weak but trust me she is not, no wonder she stands up to my H and dictates to him all because her father does to her. Anyhow that is just a funny byproduct of the whole saga that I thought I would share....Anyhow I would love to hear peoples thoughts as I don't know if I am being used for se# or to trust what he says ??????????KDU
Kim - You wouldn't really know what's going on in his mind. Well, he could be really confused about you and OW - not knowing exactly who to choose or wanting BOTH in his life... Or, he is solely using you for s@x. I guessed the key here is if you are having fun utilizing your s@x slave and not expecting the moon and stars, then I supposed let it be. The KEY thing is that you don't feel used. Soon, he will realise that you are the one, and OW is just not sooo important after all. Only time will tell if you have the patience....
False hopes..........I think thats there scape goat, 'I dont want to give you false hopes', yet that's exactly what they are doing and they know it. Again believe nothing you hear........
Obviously the writing must be on the wall for OW or if he was truly happy with her he wouldn't be with anyone else and wouldn't go behind her back
Ah, that's my fav..........that they keep cheating on OW, why we get so thrilled about it I dont know.....it's not like we didnt know what piece of crap they are. lol! but I think it just 'verifies' the whole "ok so it really wasnt me and it really is just H being a loser."
I wouldnt trust one thing he says right now......you cant, because you know what he says and what he does are 2 diff. things. The question about being used.....do you feel used?
Girly I know how tuff this is!!!!! I'm rooting for ya though
KDU... This is confusing too! What does your hubby want....we hope for us...and we dont mind them cheating on the OW because they were ours first right. I think the same way....if he was happy with OW why would he be having sex with you. THen you question if she wasnt available or what. Your H seems confused right now and I am not trying to hurt you but from my experience my H will say whatever sound good just to get what he wants....Why do they lie???Why do they cheat??? I wish that they could get their priorities straight so that we can know what they are. Hang in there and dont be available everytime that he calls...if you feel the need by a vibrator...lol! Just trying to make the situation end with a smile. Hand in there!
Quote: M: Mmmmmm well only you can work that out and I want you to come to your own conclusions with pressure from nobody..
Beautiful. Your shoulder oughta be sore from patting yourself on the back for that one.
Quote: ...I don't know if I am being used for se#...
Doesn't seem likely. Why would he need to use anybody for sex when he's got Ow? Doesn't he get all the sex he wants already?
Quote: H: I don't want to give you false hope with all this (Like that hasn't been said b4) but I do want to see where this takes us as I don't know if we are finished yet or not and I am hoping this will help to find out.
I think this is believable. He doesn't want to give you false hope because he doesn't know what he wants. He's afraid he might flip back and he doesn't want that to hurt you (even though he knows deep down that of course it would hurt you...but he's all wrapped up in what *he* wants right now, isn't he?). But even that is hope (as long as expectations are kept in check!). Still, you're in an awkward situation while he's still got one foot in each world. You might want to start thinking about what boundaries you might need to enforce. How long will you let this go on? If you're thinking something like "I can't take this much more than three months" or something similar, you're probably OK. But if you're thinking, "This isn't so bad, I don't know what would make me cut him off" then you probably want to rethink before you're too caught up in it.
If you'd never met him or if you didn't have anything more to do with him, what kind of person would you want to become? If you became that person, would that attract him to you? If not, would you be happier as that person without him? What kind of man *would* be attracted to you if you were that person?
Stop waiting! Become that person! For you and him or whoever else may end up in your life!!!
Then come back here and post how you did it; I could use a hint myself.
Good luck!!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Thanks Hellkat, BQT1 and Yoyo you all make me smile and we really are all the same in same way shape or form aren't we. Now BB - God love you for answering and having the nerve to answer differently from everyone else but maybe that's because you are a male and possibly have a better insight to the male's head...Thankyou for your honesty and your thoughts as I am very confused over H's actions and want to believe there is some hope but don't want to feel used. I believe I am not being used as I am sure he can get s#x when he wants.....I will start venting and updating now which will respond to what you wrote BB and I would love to hear your reponse...... O.K. as you all know we had s#x Tuesday and Thursday. Friday H needed to pick up S, which he did and I didn't offer him to stay for long, I sort of hurried them up a bit as I said I needed to do a few things before going out.(trying to Db). So they left......I went to Docs did some stuff around the house and not much else not that my H needs to know that.....Anyhow Saturday H dropped off son and again I rushed him out the door as i was going with son to my mother's for lunch......Now this is where it all gets interesting......My mother sat me down and said "Kim I am very worried about you, I have never ever seen you this unhappy, it is affecting your health, your kids and every other relationship in your life.(well this set the water works going) anyhow she said You have always seemed a very strong woman and very outgoing you are neither of these things now that you are alone....Do you want your H back is that what has made you so unhappy? I answered her yes that I have never known such unhappiness in my life and that I regret that I possibly never let my H know how much he meant to me and how much I may have taken him forgranted until all of this happended.....My mother said well if that's the case then you need to have one last shot at this and I will help you so we had a big conversation about things and how we could go about them and she offered me a huge offer that will hurt me to do in some ways but one never the less that might work....I decided to give it a go and it might be against Dbing principles but I am sure you will see some of them amongst it......I rang H from mum's and just said Hi just wanted to know if you could come around an hour earlier than normal in the morning b4 football as I need to have a chat with you....He said yeh that should be fine and I said Thankyou I appreciate it, I will see you in the morning. H said o.k. see you then and I hung up.....This is what I said to him......
O.K. I have asked you here as I want to put forward a proposition to you but before I say it I need to say a few things first and I would like for you to just listen and when I am finished if you want to make comments or discuss it that is fine but I want you to know I am not going to pressure you for an answer today, I want you to think about it and let me know as soon as you make a decision but i cannot let this go on for a long time either so I would hope i would have an answer in the next week or so....Anyhow Hun I love you, you know that but I want to say that I have been desperately unhappy for the last 6 months and I have tried and tried to get over all this and try and have a life without you but I can't. I have given our R alot of thought and whilst I am disappointed that you seeked solace in someone else's arms I think I understand how I pushed you to this. I truly believe Tone(Tony is his name) that I took you for granted and didn't put your wants & needs first. You had a major crisis in your family around the time that you started with OW and although I thought I was being supportive I realise now that I didn't support you enough. I was so busy trying to support everyone else (friends etc) that I didn't give you the time you needed. You were working long hours and when you would come home there could be anyone at our house and your privacy had gone. There were times you proboably wanted to come home and have peace & quiet to unwind but someone else was there or you may have wanted to come home and have time with just you and me but someone else was there so of course you started talking to someone else instead of me and she was understanding and gave you the support you needed and that's how it developed into something more because I wasn't there for you. All I can do is say I never intended to do this and that I am so sorry and will never let it happen again. You are the most important person in my life and if given the chance I will make sure you feel it every day for the rest of your life....Now darl my proposition.....I had 2 children when we met and you took them on as your own right from the start and we love you for that but we have never ever had time alone to work on us it was always as an instant family. I will never give up my children but Mum has offered for the children to live with her for a couple of months if that is what it takes for us to rebuild our marriage. They will still come and stay and I will visit them every day after work but if you came home it would be you and myself only for a little while and then if we were successful in rekindling our love and marriage the kids would then come home to make our family complete....I know if you end your current R it would be hard at work as she works there as do her friends so my suggestion for that if you agree to come home is for you to take holidays and once you start your hols you then tell OW that you are coming home, that way you don't need to see her or her friends at work, we look for another job for you if that's what you want and if we haven't found one b4 hols end then you can resign and we will live on my wage for awhile....If you want to sort things out with your Mum and Dad I will support you on that to by going with you or staying home whilst you sort it out. I want to offer you a whole new beginning in every way and want to make you happy again so all I ask of you now is does this offer seem interesting enough to you to at least give it some thought......He answered yes it does and I said fine then what I propose is that we have no contact for a week or two so that you don't feel pressured by me and you contact me when you are ready......He said that would be fine....Anyhow I then said I have one favour to ask and that is that you don't mention it to OW until you have made your mind up whichever way it goes as I think it would be better to have no pressure from either of us and he said he agreed and he wouldn't mention it. I then said if you feel the need to contact me then ring me but I will not contact you....he said that sounded fine.... So there you go a rather big deal for me and whilst to some of you it may look like I am neglecting my children that is so far from the case. I love my children but at the moment I am so desperately unhappy that I am making them unhappy so if i can get my life sorted out with H and give them the happy home life they deserve it is worth it....If H decides to stay with OW then the kids will know no different anyhow and I will then have to deal with myself somehow but I will cross that brige when I come to it....I have layed my cards on the table for the good of all involved and to try and not have this drag on any longer than necessary....Some may say he should have been able to make up his mind then and there but I truly feel he is very confused as the OW has been there for him when he feels I wasn't and makes him feel comfortable so I am sure he possibly has feelings for both of us so now I guess he has to work out which one of us has the stronger pull on his feelings......BB how do you assess this and any other males let me know what your thoughts would be if you were in my H's shoes......He didn't say no and I would have thought if he didn't want to be with me he would have said something like "Look Kim I don't want to hurt you but this is never going to work, I love her now and my feelings for you just aren't there"....but he didn't so I feel I have a 50/50 chance and now I go dark and wait for him to contact me, which will be hard but this needs to end one way or the other....I did also tell him that as much as I wanted to be friends with him if this didn't work I didn't believe I could be at the moment as I still love him and it hurts too much to see him too often if friends is all we can be, down the track I would have to see but for the moment I couldn't handle it.......My H did say to me that he really loves it and feels comfortable when I sit like I did and speak calmly to him and that I didn't go on and on about the same thing so I guess I have learnt something.....O.K. guys bring it on give me your thoughts as I am sure that alot of you have different ideas on what I have done but sometimes you have ......KDU
((((Kim)))) Just want you to know that I'll be here for you... I guessed it's just WAITING for his decision now...No, I don't think that you would be neglecting your children. I read it somewhere that marital health deteriorates with the birth of each child. Also, with today's emphasis on children, we tend to neglect our relationships with our spouse. I am also guilty of that. It's always..see what the kids want or need or etc. If your H take up on your offer, and your M is on the mend,...a few months at grandma's would be great fun for the kids. My kids LOVES to stay with their grandparents! I hope it works out well for you. Good Luck!
Thanks Yoyo and yes my kids adore my Mums. She does only live 5 mins down the road and my kids are soon to be 17 & 16 (in 1 month) and one just turned 9. So the older ones can drop into home whenever they want and I will be dropping in on them every night after work and having them stay with us once a week and for the weekend if they need to.....First H has to say yes though so we will see it may not even happen if H decides not to try it....KDU
Kim, I think that was one gutsy move and I hope that it all works out. Your mum sounds like a strong woman too. Sending you all the positive vibes I can that this works out for you both
and it was good 
and I acted upbeat and happy the whole time and didn't initiate any R talks.....H did though....
and not expecting the moon and stars, then I supposed let it be. The KEY thing is that you don't feel used. Soon, he will realise that you are the one, and OW is just not sooo important after all. Only time will tell if you have the patience.... 
