BB - Very true. I myself think I have only just started to truly understand these tactics myself. I have made all the mistakes possible and watched my hard work go down the drain and H run back to OW everytime. Mind you he doesn't seem to be able to keep me at a distance for very long at all so I must take the positive from this and think at least there is something about me he is still drawn to. I have been reading lots of posts recently about Sex with the Estranged Spouse etc and I believe I am on the right track. I will ML when I feel like it as it is something we can share and it allows feelings to be expressed without words and who knows what can be built from there. I am not going to mention OW even if he does. Should he be speaking about problems with her then I will try hard to be neutral and validate him but should it just be trivial BS like he saw her last night or whatever I will be saying look I really don't want to know too much about your life with her unless you have a problem you wish to share....I am still going to do my own thing and not wait around for him and if he wants to see me and I have arrangements then he will have to reschedule......Do you think this is the right way to go?????? Now as for you I think your own self discovery is fantastic firstly for yourself and secondly for whoever shares your life with you in the future your wife or another. You do seem to be very understanding so if this was something that wasn't shown to W I am sure it will be something she notices with time. I think you and I may have similair personalities or at least whilst we were in our marriages and it seems we need to make similair changes here are some of mine see if they sound familair.
- Listen to what H says intently - Let him finish speaking and dont persume I know what he is going to say - Don't interupt - Don't nag or whinge - Don't try and get him to see if from my side - Say what I want quickly and to the point - Don't analyze everything - Don't smother him - Don't make him feel inferior or stupid - Be pleasant and friendly around him - Compliment him on good ideas - Thank him when he does anything for me or kids - Be understanding of his sitch - Be there for him without any pressure..... If I can truly stick to all these things then I am sure I will worry less which will benefit me and I have to stop thinking about things. I will say something to him and then spend the next 5 mins explaining why I have said what I have said and justify it over and over and ask does he understand or know where I am coming from over and over instead of just letting him tell me if he doesn't get it. He has allowed and expected me to do everything for him such as pay all bill, look after kids and pretty much for me to make all decisions. Even gets me to fill out any forms for him as he is not good at reading and writing. I have done all this for 12yrs and now I took over too much. So sometimes we may have all the right intentions but as it becomes habit we then somehow end up doing too much and are resented for it. So I also have to make him be independant as well.....Starting to waffle like he says so i will just go.....KDU
