Hi Guys thought I would follow DMF and start a new thread before we get locked out of old one. 1st time I've done this so hope I got it right.... My old thread was How do I deal with OW old thread
Wow I am so proud of myself I made it work. Whooo Hoooo Quick update for newcomers: Me: 38 H: 40 S: 9 M 7 2gether for 12 yrs. H had an A with OW from his work behind my back. They were shagging only for 3yrs until Feb this yr and he left and moved into a caravan. H & OW started seeing each other steadily a month or so ago, H was still ML with me OW found out then up & down but last Saturday H & OW are giving it another go. OW now says H cannot come to my house or spend any time with me. Can pick up son but not enter house. H has agreed......He says he doesn't want it this way but must do what she says in order to gain her trust (LOL) I have decided to go dark....
Yoyo thanks for your advice I will try that this week then and see what happens. Anyone else got ideas on what I do if H wants to have coffee on Friday when picking up son????
Hey KDU I just typed out a good long answer (due to being a woman of many words myself )and got locked out. so here i am now and just going to say look good Fridays, and be happy and don't give him any info. I always make sure i look like im going out and H always asks but the dumb dumb i am i always say nowhere!!! (wouldn't want him to think im moving on and GAL cuz then he says don't really care, lie about loving him still if going out with another man...did i say man no he just assumes)i get scared of losing him (like he's here with me now so i can lose him )so learn from me and save yourself.
BTW- i am going dark-black, getting duct tape for mouth, breaking texting fingers/not typing or i can't post So hopefully i can find you deep in the dark so i'm not alone See my post later (as i haven't journalled yet) to find out about my day
Angelwings=angeldark=angelblack=angel so dark i can't see
ps how do you know when to start a new thread so you don't get lock out? new to this
I am no expert on this whole DB thing, but I think if your H seems interested in having coffee with you... GO FOR IT! Even if he has said to you "I am not in love with you anymore" or "I want a divorce", don't necessarily believe it. Even if he has been standoffish, don't reject the idea of spending some alone time with him. It is possible that he is confused and is still trying to figure out whether he should stay in your marriage or not. He may be wondering if he can ever "be in live with you again". Sometimes spending some quality time together reminds people of the love they have for their spouse. I would take advantage of this opportunity to connect and spend time with him if he is willing. I would not insist that he stay for coffee, but don't turn your back on the idea either. Spending some time together with NO RELATIONSHIP TALK may be just what it takes to remind him that your marriage is worth keeping! Kim... there may be people out here on the BB that disagree with what I have to say, but I think that your ultimate goal is for your H to realize that "the grass isn't any greener on the other side" and to show more interest in your marriage again. If you do have coffee with him, do your best to be in good spirits and "perky" when you talk with him... And, DO NOT talk about OW!!
I have learned that when I was having problems with my H, that we were both hurting so much inside that we ended up hurting each other (ie: criticizing and putting each other down). I was focusing on my H's faults and with him being "bombarded" with constant complaints, he was very tempted to seek the company of someone else who was more appreciative of his good qualities. My H and I were not spending enough "alone" time together and not making our relationship a priority. I believe that my H felt neglected, taken for granted and ignored towards the end of our relationship. Unfortunately, he allowed these feelings to fester which led to him feeling angry and resentful. I now realize that because of this, ANY attention from outside (ie: OW) begins to feel VERY welcomed. Although my H PROMISES me that he never had an affair, I know that when he felt insecure in our marriage he tried to "test the waters" and he did become "flirtatious" with women at work.
IMHO... IF you do have coffee with your H, try to compliment your H , rather than criticize him. Try your best to say or do things that help to make him feel appreciated. The only thing that you can really do is try to be supportive, not too pushy, and BE PATIENT... Good luck, Kim... Hang in there! -OC KIM
Angel I will go to your thread to speak about you and your H...see you over there..... OCKim - thanks for your spin on things....I am very disappointed in H at the moment due to the fact that he has allowed OW to dictate what he can and can't do. It will be interesting to see if he even suggests coming in for a coffee as it is something he usually did but seeing as how OW has said he is no to enter my house I don't know what he will do. I just wanted to be prepared. I think I will look like I am going out on a Friday night and on a Saturday will just follow his lead. If he does come in I will let him but I will speak about nothing in particular and I won't put him down. If he mentions the access thing with S, I will say I know you are in a hard place but you need to do what you feel is best and leave it at that and change the subject....Anyway this week he is picking S up from school Thursday and dropping him to school Friday as he is on a late shift Friday night and cannot have S. So I guess I don't have to worry about it until next week and as we all know alot can happen in a week. Thanks OC
HI KDU, just jumping around all the posts as of course not sleepy again, shouldn't i be with 3 small ones..see i know i'm crazy. anyway, just jumping and then had a funny thought and knew youd be up to share it with...on the side bar is the book from Michelle "the sex starved marriage" i'm thinking as i see it tonight yeah i guess you could add that book to my new marriage library.... thought it might give you a laugh for a moment
good for you on going dark! Remember the less he knows about you the more it will drive him crazy - HOWEVER - the less you know about him the more better you will start to feel!!
H & OW started seeing each other steadily a month or so ago, H was still ML with me OW found out then up & down but last Saturday H & OW are giving it another go. OW now says H cannot come to my house or spend any time with me. Can pick up son but not enter house.
oh if I could tell you how many times STBX told me that one! I swear KDU your H is following the exact same pattern mine did, however it took me alot longer to be able to go dark. I remember the first time I tried, I told him I just didnt want to talk to him or see him for a while, and that I didnt want him calling me unless it was a life or death sitch, it was too much for me and S because STBX had become a ghost to us and the more we saw him the more it haunted us. He was asking to come home in less then 24hrs.............and like a dumba$$ I said o.k.
But as you can plainly see that noose around his neck that she's now 'dragging' him around by, is going to only get tighter and tighter.......hee-hee, he'll start to choke soon, I promise you! Hey at least she didnt make him call her and then put the phone in his pocket so she could hear what was going on!!
H has agreed......He says he doesn't want it this way but must do what she says in order to gain her trust (LOL)
dont you just love that............of course they dont want it this way.......no no no, he wanted to keep f-ing the both of you!!!!! almost makes you want to ask 'so is that your definition of an apology for being such a prick?'
Hang tought chick - your doing good, you already are reading between the lines as it is so keep it up!
Hellkat - Thankyou I think i needed to hear from someone that they have had the same dilema at least I know my instinct is steering me correctly at the moment I just have to hang tough and not give in to my heart...... He called in this morning to do his footy tips (at my work) and to take T.V for repair again as he took it last time....He chatted a bit about S as he stayed there last night and then he steered things the other way (aaargh). Anyhow I cant remember in what order things were said so I will just list them as they come to mind. H: Can we talk about maintenance (meaning money for son) M: Why what's wrong H: OW said maybe M: Sorry why would OW have anything to say on our Maintenance H: No I meant we were talking and I thought maybe we could do maintenance privately instead of through the agency. M: Sorry no it works better this way. H: So you wont discuss it. M: I see no need. H: Do you think I am happy with this sitch, I hate that I can't see my son very much. M: Well you are the one that made your choice. I am just abiding by the rules you allowed to be put in place. H: If you just give it time OW will relax when she can trust me and allow me to do more(LOL) M: Sorry but I am not giving it time I've done enough of that...all I am interested in is looking after sons interests. H: So am I M: Well all I can say is I am very disappointed she won't let us remain friends when we both wanted that for sons sake and I am also disappointed you put someone else's wants and needs ahead of your own sons. He cracked it at this comment and stormed out. I didn't follow I just let him go. He really is an alien at the moment I cannot work him out so I am not going to bother. Just going to remain dark until he contacts me and I am not entering into arguments as it serves no purpose. Even today I wasn't speaking loud and I did say i didn't want to argue and that I repected his decisions as he should repect that I am doing what I need to do for myself and the kids......Oh well that is the latest nothing great to tell just H being selfish and only looking at things from his own perspective or what OW has brainwashed him with. She reckons I manipulate him into doing things he doesn't want to do (HA) you can't make someone do something they don't agree to. For someone who is 12yrs older than me OW doesn't seem to be very smart she is actually quiet laughable......KDU
Kim - What you need to do now is to stand your ground, and just do what you think is best for your S. Don't let H or the OW veer you off course. Keep calm in all dealings with H. If he is angry/upset/unreasonable, let him. Don't let him suck you into an argument. The more you keep your cool, the more he will realise that he is unreasonable and being an @ss. Be strong, and don't play OW's game.
)and got locked out. so here i am now and just going to say look good Fridays, and be happy and don't give him any info. I always make sure i look like im going out and H always asks but the dumb dumb i am i always say nowhere!!! (wouldn't want him to think im moving on and GAL cuz then he says don't really care, lie about loving him still if going out with another man...did i say man no he just assumes)i get scared of losing him (like he's here with me now so i can lose him 
)so learn from me and save yourself. 
So hopefully i can find you deep in the dark so i'm not alone 
