'Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.'
Would 'going dark' be suggested (for me) if/when you tell H to move out..ie separation for a while? I have previously always been in the mode of 'trying to fix everything'. Towards the end though (before I found out about his EA)...I pretty much tried to ignore all he did to keep my sanity. (He ALWAYS does what he wants to do, no matter what I might have to say about it..so I just stopped talking.) Throughout our 23 years of marriage I have gone to every extreme as far as my approach to my husband's current crisis..yes DBing too. (Amongst those crises, 3 affairs of one type or another....that I am AWARE of.) And with a track record like this...how can/will my H ever understand/realize what he has done/is doing?
I have allowed my H to continue living with us. (Otherwise financially it would be pretty rough for both of us.) He "promised" that any/all contact would be cut off with his 'friend'. I have discovered that this is not the case and again have been "thrown" into an emotional roller coaster. The second I began asking him..telling him that someone had told me that they seen him at a local restaurant with his blonde friend (we live in a small community)..he immediately went into the mode of " I have been around here..trying to make it work..and think I have been pretty happy. Now, why are you bringing this up? You will never let it go, will you?"
I sure would appreciate any/all thoughts on this.
My first infuriated thoughts would be that he needs to leave right now! Otherwise, I am just setting myself up all over again. I believe he feels as always..that he can do whatever he wants.
