I don't know why but Jill's post was deleted. Here's what I replied:
Hi Jill
Just thought I'd clarify that during the M he didn't control - he was a bit overbearing with the kids but I was basically in charge of them and the money because he was rubbish at managing money. I also planned all the family holidays, Christmases etc and since I was physically ill 95% of our M, this curtailed his social life massively.
It didn't help that he refused to go to parties etc because I was too sick to go too and he said it would be mean of him to leave me at home.
This controlling stuff has happened since the split and more so since the court hearings (I think it gave him a power trip and he's so used to bullying now that it's second nature). I had hoped, hypothetically if we were together it would have been more fair, like in the M, but maybe not.
It's partly why I want him, because I think if he was a husband he would see me as an equal instead of treating me like this.
As for another R, I am not in love with anyone nor do I expect to be. I joined a dating agency once and even though I got replies etc, I didn't want to reply to them, so I ended up wasting the �60 it cost to join.
One guy I dated treated me worse than Andy, had a breakdown and ended up in hospital and then I had to put up with drunken phone calls and abusive behaviour, so I left him, and that was after 5 months of trying and genuinely thinking I cared for the man. I cried all evening that night and vowed I would never let another man make me cry again.
I had to get the police onto him because he was still phoning me every day (several times), and sending 35 texts a day, and that was 6 months after I ended the R. That obviously put me off men a lot.
My one night stands were awful - never ever want to have casual sex again, it was so degrading.
Then Christmas O3 I was followed back from a Christmas Eve party and molested by a guy who was a member of staff. Obviously that was awful too and since then I decided no more men ever unless it's Andy or it's just friendship.
I am okay with being single, I really am. I'd just prefer it if I could have all my family round me.
Quote: find some way of controlling the hate I feel.
I don't think you need to find a way to "control" it. I think you need to find a way to let it go and move past it. I understand they way you feel. While XH may or may not have OW right now, I've delt with this in my past. "controlling" it will only take care of it now, getting past it will help always.
Sweetie, you could never annoy me. I do understand sometimes and at others I don't. I'm feisty so not very much willing to put up with any BS from anyone. Also, the fact that I'm so much happier since split with XH and enjoy being treated well by the men I now date. The bottom line is you have to follow your heart. If being married to Andy will make him treat you better then I'm all for it. Just don't settle for less.
Well I'm not what I'd call fiesty - I came from a violent home with a mother that never stopped crying and used to treat me like a friend instead of her DD.
I was bullied all the way through school because of the disability (so was Andy, that's why he's into home ed). I didn't make friends in college as no one would sit next to me and I was too shy to approach them. I did speak to a few people at uni and we'd go to the pub at lunch times etc.
I have never been to a night club or anything, I would be too nervous to go.
No one has ever really treated me 100% apart from my closest female friend who is 40 and has been a really great friend to me for 4 years.
The court hearing was the first time in my life I ever tried to fight back and of course after 2 and a half years of fight, I lost. Hence my total lack of interest in taking him to court. I just wouldn't as it wouldn't get me anywhere and would only upset me.
In some ways it was helpful to go through as I am more assertive now and don't put up with quite as much, and I'm more confident, but I still get easily upset by things people say, and even my kids, if they make a remark that bothers me I end up in tears so I have been trying DB'ing on them when they are here.
No, you need to work on being proud of yourself. You've overcome so much in your life already. I think the only one who doesn't realize how strong and a amazing you are, is you.
BTW Jo, I just have to tell you that I feel protective of you. You really are young enough to be my daughter. Sometimes when I read you posting about Andy being a jerk to you, I want to come over there and beat the crap out of him for you!!! Boy, do I ever feel sorry for whoever my D20 marries!!!
Obviously that was awful too and since then I decided no more men ever unless it's Andy or it's just friendship.
