Yes, it's a dilemma. I'm not sure what to do re the kids. Part of me is thinking yipee, I can move in on my kids now she's gone, but the other part of me thinks he has never had to cope on his own because he's ALWAYS had people helping him so maybe if I don't offer, he would approach me more? Maybe not with OW2 now, but last night he was texting me because he was alone in the house. He might want me to be involved with them now.
The other reason I'm hesitant is that we always seem to have major arguments over the kids - it's pretty much all we fall out about and right now at this crucial transition time, I think it would be a disaster to argue over them, so I don't want to push it.
I am going to this country park in Andy's town, with DD4 on the 24th August and I was toying with the idea of inviting the whole family to come and spend the day with us, as it's only round the corner from his house, but I have this feeling that he is away on holiday on that day.
Lou - I do think he liked the fact I was wearing his socks, you know, that I've still got things of his round my house. He has a T shirt of mine with a Leopard on it that he liked, so he stole it from me
I still think he was disappointed I wasn't in my dressing gown, though, but you're right, he was sussing out my mood as he seemed slightly nervous (not surprised after I yelled at him down the phone for 'treating me like a prostitute').
Jo.. some guys like their woman to wear their clothes.. It like the woman saying "I like your smell or I feel you around when I am wearing something of yours.
Some high school girls wear a flannel shirt their boyfriend used to have. The shirts are soft and warm. It is also a bonding thing. My D17 at the time, wore her boyfriends shirt.
I also like to share anything that feels comfortable to me. I have some soft cotton under shirts and I think they would make good night shirts to sleep in but BB does not see it that way. Its kind of like, " here have a taste of this new coffee, it is really good. Anyway that is how I feel. You should know Andy better than me.
I do see the shower scene too. Almost every boys dream. Some of us guys never grow up in that department.
Yes I understand the thing about getting comfort out of a partner's clothes. I do a similar thing with a gold chain that used to be Andy's. I no longer wear it but I do meditate with it in my hand and sometimes sleep with it under my pillow.
There is a theory that jewellery retains body energy from the owner so I thought if I kept it and did that, it would entice a positive response from him.
I've also got some boxer shorts that were his that I sometimes wear if my pelvic problem is playing up as men's underwear is more loose fitting so it helps I haven't told him I wear them, though, because he might think that was a bit weird.
Also when I was pregnant I sometimes wore his shirts because they fit round my belly I had to roll the sleeves up loads though because they were way too long.
The shower scene to him is not a 'scene', it's reality. Last time he came round I did just step out of the shower and on previous times we have ML in the shower etc and once during that 4 and a half months we were seeing each other, I followed him outside in the garden in the nude (it was night time and no one else was outside) and kissed him goodbye, so I know that he's probably remenising about that, or something similar
I don't think it's boyish, Lou, it's quite romantic.
Just not appropriate for my circumstances at the moment.
Your XH is simply crazy about you. Why can't he swallow his pride, roll up his sleeves, and get to work on a real R with you? All this time he's missing out.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yes, I agree with you, he is crazy about me. Sometimes people ask me why I bother trying and why I carry on so long, well, that is one reason why - because he's always made it blindingly obvious he still loves me, so it seems a waste, hence me carrying on.
That and the kids, of course.
My feelings for him are the same (although I do get really angry if I feel he's not being respectful).
I don't know why we're divorced really. The trouble with him, he thinks that marriage to me would mean the bad points of our OLD marriage - he doesn't realise it would be a new relationship and that's where he gets stuck. It's fear.
That was wonderful time spent with your X. And amazing news that OW moved out. (Now if we can help you get rid of the other one!!!) I think you're on the right track. Continue not to push him and I bet he'll be coming around more and more. And I think you're right about him really feeling real life now that OW has moved out. I bet it opens his eyes. You handled all that so well. I've very impressed!
The wearing of my clothes is indeed a huge compliment, even a turn-on for me. I remember early in our R, X would wear one of my Tshirts and boxers the morning after ML. That was hot.
Or I'd come home and she'd be wearing a flannel shirt or sweatshirt of mine. She told me that she would wear it to smell me and feel close to me while I was gone.
I think you're right, tho. He'd rather have arrived with you just wearing the socks!
I spoke to DD2 on the phone this evening and she asked how I was and told me about this new outfit that DD4 has got, and then she mentioned Nan (my mother) which didn't go down too well. I pretended to be interested but my stress levels were going through the ceiling at the mention of her.
Andy took the phone and told me he'd be at mine in half an hour.
I went to lie down before he arrived and had a bit of a cry, thinking about my mother, the whole DB'ing sitch, the OW2 and the IVF drugs I have to start on Thursday which terrifies me. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.
A few minutes before he arrived, I got up and dabbed my eyes so he wouldn't know I'd been crying. I remembered this is one of the reasons why I don't speak to my kids on the phone. They always upset me with too much information
Anyway, I let him and DD4 in, hoping that he wouldn't notice I was upset. I was standing in the doorway and let him put DD4 down, assuming he would then leave, but he walked through to my living room again.
He commented that my computer was fixed. So I told him about the technician coming round to mend it today and we talked about the fault and how I have to get a new keyboard before I can return his laptop.
I told him about my appointment time at the IVF clinic on Thursday and he said he'd get DD4 on Thursday morning for me and have her until Friday morning. I agreed because I am worried I might get side-effects after the jab and might need time to recover.
We talked a bit about the egg donation process and I joked that I had HCG in my fridge (the pregnancy hormone). There's butter, cheese, mineral water, milk etc etc and HCG! Just what you'd expect to find in the fridge!
He asked why I have to have the pregnancy hormone. I said it's to stop me having a period so they can get my eggs and they aren't lost, so they shut down my ovulation, stop my period and harvest the eggs that are left sitting in the ovaries. To do that they have to trick my body into thinking it's pregnant.
I told him I hope I don't get fake morning sickness
DD2 came in and X told her to go back and wait in the car I wanted to ask her to stay and to say to him, come on, lighten up, but I didn't want to contradict him in front of her, so I let it be.
Then DD3 came in too.
X commented on my dress (knitted rainbow stripes) and said I was looking 'very colourful' today. I told him it was old and I'm surprised he's not seen it before. He said he hadn't. I told him I have a matching rainbow coloured jumper for when the weather gets colder.
He smiled and said 'I thought you would have, that's just like you, really colourful.' - so I took that as a compliment
We sat down on the sofa and he cuddled DD4 and told me that she'd been playing in his garden with a few friends and that he took her to art class this morning. I told him that we were going to a craft activity day tomorrow and making stuff out of sea shells.
DD2 came over and showed me her new jacket - it's really formal, pink with a corsage on it. I think my mother bought it for her. I told her all she needed now was a pair of suit trousers! She showed me the roses on her vest as well. She looked really smart and she knew it.
She kissed me and I gave her a hug.
X went to the bathroom and while he was sat there, shouted through the door 'Hey, you've got new shower curtains!' I've had them for months and he's only just noticed! I told him they were there before, I've had them ages and I just got sick of staring at these white plastic curtains every time I walked into the bathroom so I bought these multi-coloured ones with fishes all over them.
After that they left and X was waving at DD4 and hiding around the hedge, playing peepo with her. DD1 had refused to come in and was moaning at him about why he takes so long so I heard him say to her 'For goodness sake, DD1, I was talking to your mother!'
I shouted goodbye at everyone and waved.
It was only spoilt by DD4 mentioning that OW2 had been round to his place and I just snapped at her that I didn't want to talk about it.
Then I felt really angry, thinking of her going round there.
I need a bit of help from fellow DB'ers in how not to mention her, how not to shout at him etc etc next time he comes round, which will be Thursday morning. I really feel like having a go at him but my rational self says no.
I can only offer what seems to help me. Tons of things come up that really tick me off about OM1 and OM2. Somehow I have been able to say to myself, "I am winning this war", the bad thought or what ever makes me angry I discard it because its not important in the big picture.
I swallow my pride daily, sometimes hourly to get my family back together. Whether I am right or not doesn't matter anymore.
The C that I go to, prayer and the book I am reading are helping me immensely. Of course venting on this bb and help from fellow dbers are equally as important.
Jo, I urge you to let go of any past hurts. I know its easier said than done, but when I decided that what happened yesterday or last yr or twenty years ago could not be changed, I was able to keep my PMA even when XW or the kids say something that ticked me off.
I try to discard the negatives of the past and keep the good memories. My PMA has changed from almost non exsistant to feeling that I am a very blessed and lucky man.
If you can keep a PMA, keep GAL you will eventually win him back. These OW don't have a clue about DBing, they will eventually start to argue with him and lose. I am not saying be a doormat forever, but if it has anything to do with the past or its not condusive to getting him back let it go.
I think you are really a brave and courageous women to keep trying. It says alot about your values and dedication to your family.
The trouble is, OW2 is not a 'past hurt' - she's here NOW and I know he carries on with her after he has visited me.
I forgave him for OW1; it's harder to forget OW2 this time as 1. he still goes to her and 2. he got her 2 weeks after he 'dumped' me again, and that was after telling me we were back together.
As you know, that is a little hard to take. I cannot continue to forgive him for these women because even if we did reunite, I would have no guarantee that he wasn't still getting it elsewhere.
I am okay with him as long as she isn't mentioned, but then DD4 says her name and I just want to kill him.
I need to either be around him less or find some way of controlling the hate I feel.
