Hi Jo, Checked out your web site and was really impressed. Not only are you smart and funny but beautiful as well.
I saw on JDD's thread that Andy is making sexual jokes to you. He's just trying to make sure you're still available to him. Don't fall for it. Actually, have you every thought about having an "imaginary" lover? Give him some of his own medicine. Leave a pair of men's underwear on the couch next time he comes over!!!
X turned up with DD's this evening while I was doing the ironing so it took me a while to answer the door because I had to switch off the hot iron etc and get rid of the piles of clothes.
X asked how my book was going. I said fine thank you, I've got my own website now.
He and DD's came in, then DD's asked if they could play football with Chloe (girl next door) so I said yes.
X asked to see my charity website (different to the book website). I showed him. He was like 'For God's sake, I designed this, not him!' (the guy that put my site back online for me). It's true, X won Gold Award for best website of the year 2003/04 on his original design. My new programmer lifted a lot of the text and images off his old one. It doesn't look anywhere near as good but as least it's there. X said 'Mine was still better.'
I said
'Yes dear, and I did ask you to do it but you were always too busy so I found a man who can.'
Then I showed him the website for my book and my new business card and...well, he said he was PROUD of me???
He said
'I am proud of you, you know.'
Then he happened to notice 'Being my X Lover's X Lover' as it was listed on my computer, I hadn't shut the DivorceBusting site down before he came in. He said
'My X Lover's X Lover? What is that?'
I said 'Oh no no, you're not looking at that. It's just a site I go on for divorced people!'
I didn't want him reading Jill's comment about leaving men's underwear on the sofa
He asked me for a coffee so I said
'No way, not unless you go in the kitchen too; you just want to look on my computer!'
I asked him to move into the kitchen. He said he couldn't move. He then started trying to get to my thread, so I stood in the way to stop him and I physically grabbed his arm to stop him touching the computer. We ended up having this wrestling match and he was laughing so I started laughing, then DD's came in and they were laughing at us.
I said
'You've got no respect for my things, you lifted my book and read that without asking, and then sent me a letter from your lawyer.'
He said 'actually the computer is mine.'
I forcably pushed him into the kitchen and started making coffees and juices for all the kids, then Kyle (4 year old boy from next door) came in but I didn't get him one. We had a house full.
While I was making the coffee, he went back to my computer so I ran out of the kitchen to stop him, still thinking of Jill's pretend lover comment
I managed to shut it down whilst at the same time physically restraining him, which is difficult as he's 6 foot tall.
It took me about 20 minutes just to make coffee and I couldn't stop laughing. I was thinking, flippin heck, I am supposed to be cold and uninviting.
We sat and drank the coffees and DD3 got a toy tea set and pretended to make us cups of tea. Then DD4 wanted to show her dad magic tricks which consisted of hiding under the sofa cushions
We then talked about the year 2012 (if you type in 2012 into the internet it comes up with all this weird stuff) and we talked about the theory that money is going to end, so I said 'Bloody hell, who will pay for my book then? I'll have to give them away!'
I told him I have bought the dress for the premiere of my film (it's true, I have!) and he started laughing because it isn't even a film yet so we talked about script writing and stuff.
Then we went in the garden to watch DD1 and DD2 playing football and these lads from up the road were chatting up DD1 (she's only 9) so I said to X that I didn't want any horrible boys going anywhere near my DD.
He said they're just playing and she needs a little freedom but I understand why you're nervous. I remember when she was a baby and it just seems weird.
We went back in the house and I gave him DD2's birthday present for next week which he hid.
He complimented me on my clothes, said he was proud of me again, and then said he thought my sofa was 'interesting' (in a tone of voice that suggested he wasn't sure) so I said
'What's wrong with it? It's bright red, my favourite colour!'
He said
'Yeah, it's all that sexual energy you've got.'
I blushed and said I don't know what you're talking about. He said he's read my book.
I said
'Well, I just wrote the marriage as it was; I didn't make anything up.'
He said 'There was sex all the way through.' I said 'Well, there was in real life, that's why I wrote it. Are you suggesting there wasn't.' He said 'No, on the contrary, you had a better appetite than me. I deprived you.'
I don't remember him depriving me, but anyway, I said that is the wonder of divorce, because now I can write a bestseller and make a Hollywood movie out of it!
Then he said he'd forgotten to return DD4's wellie boots so he'd do that tomorrow.
I asked the kids about their camping trip but they came home early due to the rain.
Whoa Jo!!! I didn't think such an innocent (hehe) comment could cause such a problem for you!!! So are you going to try what I suggested? It may be time to fight fire with fire....
Whatever his reasons for being around more allows you to see your girls and that's all good.
Letting XH in, making him tea, wrestling and laughing over the computer, cleaning up before he comes him, talking about the book he showed no interest in for a very long time, talking about sex, flirting . . .
Yup, in his mind everything is back to normal, I give him less than a fortnight before he does something to piss you off again and you will berate yourself and him. In the short time observing, even I can see the pattern.
Which makes a nice seque into something I was thinking about earlier. There is something we all seem to be forgettting here; they DIVORCED us. They left. They took themselves and their stuff and their life and left.
And yet we seem to go on with the R (and they do as well) as if nothing has changed. They come and go as they please, living the new life they desired. There are family dinners and movies and SEX and daily phone calls and their asking for help and money and arguments and everything married life was.
SO? Why did they leave if they wanted the married life (Or maybe only the convienient part at their discretion)? And why do we continue to go as if NOTHING has changed? Without the benefits of married life?
I have several points to make regarding your observations:
1. On the times when I don't let him in, he is terrible to me and starts up legal action, remember his remark 'if I can't be friends with you I have to hate you.' It makes my life easier when it's this way.
2. I didn't clean up the house before he came in, I just put the ironing away because I iron in the hall next to the front door so he couldn't have even let the DD's in unless I moved the stuff.
3. Talking about the book - it's better than getting solicitor's letters about it.
4. Talking about sex, he brought it up by saying about my 'sexual energy', I tried to diffuse it by mentioning the book rather than the here and now.
I have NOT slept with him and don't intend to unless we re-marry, then it would be on our wedding night, so it isn't the same.
I am also not going to DD2's birthday because it will be EX-OW'S birthday too.
5. Wrestling with him - he's 6 foot and I am only 5 foot 2 so had to. If I hadn't he would have gone on this site and read my thread, which I would rather he didn't.
6. They divorced us - er, no. Actually I DIVORCED HIM. He refused to. He didn't want a divorce whenever I mentioned it and got upset. He didn't sign the papers either.
So I'm guilty as charged really.
7. I am aware of all the awful stuff he has done and I don't condone it, however, I've done some pretty bad stuff too (which you will find out when you read the book).
8. He did want married life but for a lot of our married life I was ill with various long-term syndromes which meant I was in pain 95% of the time, and quite difficult to live with. He had to watch me suffer and my self-confidence decrease as time went on, and we seemed to spend half our life at the hospital (I only touched on this briefly in the book).
I'm sure you'll agree that if it was your wife going through that and you were powerless to help, after 8 years of that, you'd be at breaking point.
Then the relatives on both sides of the family didn't want us to be together. I was not made welcome at MIL's ever and she kept inciting arguments.
They even threatened to boycott our wedding, that's how bad it was, and when I was having DD1 they told me to get an abortion.
He loved me, I have no doubt, and I loved him, but sometimes it is just more complicated than simply 'he left me so why not come back?'
Just as a matter of interest, look up hyperacousis, vulvodynia and vestibulodynia on the internet. I suffer with all of those as well as mild CP which is my disability, and fusion of C2 and C3 bones which causes neck pain.
As a small victory, I cured myself of the hyperacousis and now it only hurts when I have a cold. This has made a massive difference to my life and I can do loads more things than I used to be able to, and this only occured after we split up.
The other problems I still have and will do permanently. The vestibulodynia can be corrected by a surgery to cut out the vestibule but it is not without risks. Thankfully it did not affect our SL too much and I was still able to have one, unlike many poor women with this condition that can't even ML with their H's.
It just meant I was in pain for 2 days afterwards (the only reason I'm not an 'every day' sort of girl ) and it had a psychological impact on X because he then blamed himself as if he'd caused my pain. I had to use steroids for the first 3 years of our R in order to function relatively normally and it sometimes hurts to pass water, sore when wearing tight clothing etc.
Since I cured the hyperacousis myself, I am really hopeful now that I can do something about the other conditions (well, apart from the CP which is brain damage and I can't fix that). I think they are all auto-immunity problems, aside from the CP.
So I'm trying homeopathy now and am on arnica 200 and sulphur 200, 1 a day, and this does reduce stinging so that's a minor success.
I tackled the depression so I think I am an entirely different person from when we were married, and healthier than I used to be.
I know what you mean about "keeping the peace". I do the same thing with my first XW. I think Bruce is just alluding to how several of us (myself including) seem to just forget about the things we were complaining about just a month ago. You in fact were done not that long ago (and I was several times). It's amazing how easily our X's are able to draw us back in. Bruce, if your XW suddenly started wanting to do things together and showed a lot of interest you'd be sucked back in also.
Jo, in your case I worry your X likes to keep you on the hook but won't do more than that. When you are shunning him he wants you and then when he gets you back on the hook he reminds you he has several lady friends. Is this what he does with all OW? He's having a b-day party for a previous girlfriend? (or was it wife?). Just make sure that this time around you are prepared for any potential games.
You know, we all have things that contributed to the divorces. But the truth is that this was for richer or poorer, SICKNESS and in health, for better or WORSE. Those vows should be amended to reflect reality then. When people are sick or things are bad it's okay to run away.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hey c'mon Wez, you make it sound like I am back together with this guy, so he's more friendly than usual and we had a laugh, but I don't read anymore into it than that at the moment.
No, he's not having a birthday party for EX-OW. It's our DD2's birthday on 6th August but it also happens to be EX-OW's 47th birthday too and since she still lives in the house, she will be at DD2's birthday - hence the reason I will not go.
I mean, she has a live in bf there now, but I still don't want to go. I don't like her very much.
She was a fling he had that lasted less than 6 months, she was not a wife. I'm the only wife he ever had, my X is only 30.
As for OW2 - I cannot work it out. i know she exists and he has visited her ocassionally, but they never do stuff together, he takes the kids places on their own still. Basically, what I'm saying is, I know she exists and they're friends but I'm not convinced they have an R beyond friendship - if they have, then he's obviously treating her like a casual shag.
He does like to keep me in orbit without committing, but this time (if there is a this time) I am not doing anything remotely sexual unless he marries me. I shall laugh off the innuendo like I have been doing.
As for the rest, I don't see any harm in chatting to the man. It's better than court.
Quote: Hey c'mon Wez, you make it sound like I am back together with this guy, so he's more friendly than usual and we had a laugh, but I don't read anymore into it than that at the moment.
Maybe a bit premature, but this is just the beginning. "Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly". Friendly is good, but I'm just saying when you were the ice princess you had an edge. Don't lose it.
I'll never understand why he has ex-OW and her bf living with him and your kids.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
