Computer died so have borrowed laptop from X until my insurance pays for new computer.
SO much stuff has been happening here, you wouldn't believe it. My darling X has been up to his usual love and war tricks, I will fill everyone in later when I have cooked some pasta, as I'm so hungry I have to eat first before I gossip, LOL.
Gabriel, I wasn't ignoring you, my motherboard died.
I'm not bothered if he does find it now, since I'm not techniquely DB'ing and he has read a lot of my book which details the DB'ing style life-coaching I had, so he's going to know, but thanks for pointing that out
Hey now, here's my favorite Greek Goddess back on the forum!
Good to see you, Jo! During your absence, I was beginning to worry about another car-related tantrum. Glad to hear that it was just you destroying another computer. (j/k)
A few days ago I got a letter from X's lawyer, asking me to remove the children's names from my book or they would apply for an injunction to stop me printing it.
I rang his lawyer directly, fuming, and told her that X and I had only ever discussed this matter once and that was during an argument. I told her if she sent me one more letter I would take action against her myself. She asked to see the manuscript to 'advise her client of his rights'. I said no, but said that if she wanted to discuss the manuscript directly with me, I would meet her in her office face to face. She agreed.
Then I phoned X, still fuming, and asked what the hell he was playing at. He said that I was 'slagging him off' in the book and he didn't want me to print it. I denied this and asked how much of the text he had read (he copied it from my computer without me knowing), he said he'd read about 300 pages (it's 656 pages altogether).
I said if you read it properly you will find that it's about the romance between us and I ended the text when you said ILY so all the readers will think we reunited anyway. I told him that every time I stop sleeping with him, he just gets his lawyer onto me and that he won't get on with me unless he's getting off with me.
He said I didn't like him apart from the sex. I denied this and said it's hard to get on when he does all this stuff.
Then I told him that he has to stop all the nastiest and just be neutral, i.e no sex and no fighting and no court and no lawyers.
He said
'If I can't be friends with you then I have to hate you.'
I asked him why - couldn't he just treat me like the post woman or someone he met in the street? He said he's known me for 18 years so he can't pretend I am just anybody.
I said he would have to because we can't carry on killing each other forever.
He said other people can be friends after divorce so why not us. I said other people aren't still in love with each other and that you've never loved anyone like I know you love me. He agreed and said 'yes, I know.'
I also told him I was hurt that he wasn't happy about my book.
He hit out that I never told him when it was accepted by the publisher and I was being secretive about it.
So I said okay then, come round to mine and I'll show you.
Today he brought his old laptop round and connected that up. Kids came round too and I got them doing some art, painting, gluing etc.
I said that I have decided we can't have an R because he's scared of commitment and keeps backing off and we can't have a friendship because I still love him (not DB'ing I know) and he still loves me.
He said 'I'll always love you, you know that.'
I said exactly, that's why the friendship doesn't work, and we can't because he keeps threatening me with court and sending me letters from his lawyer. I said after today, when he has read my book, we just have to be neutral only.
He nodded but didn't say anything.
Managed to get a PDF version of my book up and I took him through the first part of it. He said that DD1'S birth was mixed up with DD2's birth and that something I wrote for DD1's birth didn't happen until DD2 was born. We debated this and he said I wouldn't remember because I was off my face on gas and air.
I pointed out bits of the text where I blamed myself for stuff and said I wasn't 'slagging him off'. Then I found my favourite romantic bit in the text and showed that to him. He was smiling when he read it.
Then he said that I divorced him, which is a weird comment. He's right, I did. I cringed and said 'sorry, but you were rather challenging.'
I told him that all the animosity is a way of him keeping a R with me, abeit a negative R, and that now we have to let go. He didn't answer this.
He was still complaining about our private life being in the news so I said 'look, if we print one of DD4's baby pictures that you took, you're the photographer so you can get paid too.'
He brightened up when I said that and agreed. I told him I wasn't being secretive because I was doing something bad, I just wanted to wait till it was printed so I could put a copy of the book in his hand, and now he'd spoilt the surprise.
I told him about the publishing process and the royalties and said if he did the photography he could get a percentage.
The trouble with him is, he still wants to be in my life and he hates it when I do anything great on my own. I don't want anymore legal action, though, and this defuses it.
He agreed to what I said, provided I change DD's first names. I will. It's annoying we couldn't have talked before he ran off to his lawyer though. I told him he has major control issues and that is why we can't work out our M but letting go is more than divorce, he has to quit his court drama too.
He said 'yes, dear.'
I showed him and DD1 the front cover of my book and I could tell he was impressed.
DD1 went to the shop to buy some bread and crisps and DD2 went with her. It's only up the road so they went themselves. Then we had some lunch together.
X read through about 50 pages of text but didn't have time to finish because he had to take DD's to art class. Bit silly really, as they were already doing art at my house!
Then they left and I told him I'd change the names and expected that we would be civil to each other now.
That's that, not sure whether it's a good update or a bad one.
What a powerful update! I saw a lot of clearing of the air for both of you. What a sizable lesson for me to see you skillfully reaffirming your values and love re Andy and your M, yet setting firm boundaries regarding what you will/will not accept. He came out swinging (lawyer) and you quickly diffused the whole attack. Wonderful!
In my sitch, a recently D'd associate keeps pressing me to hire a L "just in case" W acts out re S5. My take is why involve profit-oriented outsiders when no one cares about the family/kids like the two of us? So well done here, Jo!
In terms of the R, I see big steps taken. You sure know him well.
Quote: he still wants to be in my life and he hates it when I do anything great on my own.
Probably more so that he's threatened by your success/changes, cause you're that much more likely to move/leave him. I think your brief admission of love for him will promptly diffuse this anxiety, but only for a bit. Then he'll be back to his worrisome ways.
But you're also modeling for him how one succeeds. A cooling off period of 'neutrality' might be the very thing he needs to begin/continue his own growth.
I like how the girls got to have access to you via this olive branch extension of yours.
I do know him and exactly what makes him tick. I feel a bit sad since he admitted he loves me again as it seems such a pointless waste.
You should have seen him reading the love scenes, he was sitting there with this wistful smile on his face. I wanted to cry, instead I was telling him it had to be over.
Also DD2 was calling me Linda (EX-OW's name) instead of mummy, so that made me feel bad. I told DD2 to call me Jo if she didn't want to call me mummy.
DD1 did bring my washing in because it was raining so that was nice.
I am going to change their names in the book to Kristina (DD1's second name - named after our mothers), Geraldine (Geri - DD2's real name is Jerri so it's similar), Lara (DD3 is called Lucia so it's similar, plus if I ever have a DD5 I would want her to be called Lara because I love the name) and DD4 I am leaving as it is as I spelt her name Alisha instead of Alicia so that's okay.
I am also publishing in my married name. I was never known by my married name even in the M. It feels weird now to use it after the D when I never used it before. Actually, X used to go by my Greek name when we were together and he changed his name after we separated.
He was very surprised to see the book cover with his surname on the front and asked me why I wasn't printing the same name as my other books. I told him it was so people wouldn't necessarily know who I am. I think he liked this.
Other news: also found an email from DD1 in my inbox that she apparently sent 2 days ago and my website is now back online - it's not finished yet but it's online!!!
Ahh, the classy pen name! Just like Samuel Clemen's Mark Twain.
Again, you amaze me with your inner strength that allows you to repeatedly offer peaceful gestures to Andy, the latest being the name changes. You pointed this out in your first posts - that kindness and friendly overtures pull him to appropriate, kind behavior on his part. I imagine that his lending of his laptop is one such reciprocal move.
I'm glad that you were able to visit with the girls.
DD1 picked up this gold chain that used to be X's (I bought it for him when we got engaged and he wore it every day for 7 years and never took it off until he moved out - now I keep it to meditate with) and anyway, DD1 gave the chain to her dad. He looked a bit awkward and put it on my desk.
I don't know why she'd do that. I'm sure she doesn't know the significance, unless she remembers him wearing it.
Then after she got back from the shop, she gave me this bounty chocolate bar, saying she'd got it for me and her dad because it's in 2 pieces so we can share.
Honestly, last time I saw her she stole my lounger so I had to sit next to him and she gave him the roses I gave her. Now she's buying us 'joint' chocolate!
I thanked her and opened the chocolate and passed it to X, expecting him to take his share, and instead he moved his mouth near me in a kind of 'feed me' pose, and ate the chocolate out of my hand!
So that was different. I used to feed him grapes when we were together and it was like that except with chocolate.
Didn't put it in my other update as there was so much to remember.
I think my DD1 should get a job on this TV programme called 'Blind Date' - LOL.
Glad to hear that it was just you destroying another computer. 
(j/k)