Quote: Should I talk to H about OW and let him know that I am not approving him talking to her or am I suppose to be quiet and let it eat me up inside.
Michelle,
What I'm about to say may be incredibly unpopular in this environment but here goes...
What if you just DON'T talk to him. Say something like, "As long as you continue to interact with Melinda, I will have nothing to say to you. I need to move forward personally and professionally and start working from the mindset that we may never be a "we" again. Obviously. when it comes to Hannah, we will have conversations but other than that, I can't continue this rollercoaster ride. I don't wish bad things on you, I just cannot, for my well being, do this anymore."
Take it for what it's worth, but on a personal (and hopefully not selfish) note, I'm having trouble reading about the way he treats you day in and day out, and (I think everyone will agree on this part) you damn well don't deserve it.
OK, off the soap box for now...try and have a great day at work Michelle,
I did ask him why he answered the phone and he said that he just did. We went through the fact that he told her and me that there will be no mor conversing and he said well I did and at least I am honest with you. The thing is that being honest is great but it does not justify talking to her. I might be sounding petty but I am giving 100% into working on the future but this keeps draging us back. I dont like to argue so I hold a lot in...but now I am feeling like maybe I should speak up....the thing is that it helps destroy the M. He also said that he isnt sure if he will talk to her again. The thing that upsets me so is that H said on Friday that he shouldn't talk to her because it can go right back in the wrong direction(in so many words that is what he said)This is why I am hurting....plus OW text messaged me yesterday saying that they will work this out and that he loves her....the message came from an unknown sender...but who else can it be. When I spoke to H he said that everything is fine between us and he hates this s*it about me wondering if we are okay. He then said that we are giving it a month to see how things go and that he hates me...this is why he doesnt want to be with me because of going back insted of forward. My comment to him was that we need to communicate on an adult level without the I hate you thing and that I am not the one that is going back....I have been moving forward. If he doesnt want the "drama" he can put a stop to that by not talking to OW and being true and faithful to his wonderful wife...me.
I just dont want to feel like I am doing everything to try and make it better. I do see how he is trying to show a more loving side but that doesnt account for the OW crap. I am just confused on what to do now. He said that we do not need to discuss this situation anymore....that he was honest about talking to her.....but is it going to continue and how do I know what he is saying to her. :-( Yikes typing this out makes me more upset! lol!
Hey BQT! Man, am I ever sorry you have to deal with this. This part is almost unbelievable:
Quote: ...he said that everything is fine between us and he hates this s*it about me wondering if we are okay. He then said that we are giving it a month to see how things go and that he hates me...
How can anybody deal with that? You're doing great to keep your head above water. He's obviously amazingly confused and lost. Ow is handling the whole thing abominably which is adding to his distress.
What is supposed to happen after the month if things don't go as you want them to? Is he going to back to Ow? If he's truly done with her he'll have a grieving process to go through, as stupid as that sounds to us. His mind might clear after that.
In the meantime I would give DMF's suggestion some serious consideration. You could also take the same approach (very limited contact until Ow is out of the picture completely) without saying you're going to start operating as if you may never be back together. You could just say you think this is in the best interests of your future R. I'd say phrase it closest to how you actually feel about it.
Good luck! You've been strong enough to deal with this crap up to this point; I certainly believe you're strong enough to deal with whatever comes next.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Should I talk to H about OW and let him know that I am not approving him talking to her or am I suppose to be quiet and let it eat me up inside
that's a tuffie - do you never if he's spoke with her before and just never admited it? did he ever say WHY he spoke with her, or who called who????????? or was it 'honey pass the salt, and oh yea, by the way........'
let me ask you this since you know your H better then anyone............IF you did say something to your H, would it make a differance? or do you think he's the type that would still contact her? if the answer is yes, then to repeat yourself about the reason of NC is only wasting your time.
Again I say that because so many of our sitches are the same, as well as the patterns of the WS.........and I'm basing it on my own experiences as well.
Whoa....your H is making no sense at all...ok not quite a shocking observation
Quote: We went through the fact that he told her and me that there will be no mor conversing
OK...this sounds like a decision
Quote: well I did and at least I am honest with you
ok...broke the decision and b/c he used the 'honesty' bit made it sound like maybe it was just a slip up....ie/ if he lied could imply that there's more going on
Quote: He also said that he isnt sure if he will talk to her again
hellooo...thought he made a decision?? I don't know...but I'm seeing a pattern here I don't like....doesn't sound like he is going to give up OW.
Quote: The thing that upsets me so is that H said on Friday that he shouldn't talk to her because it can go right back in the wrong direction
ok...he says he shouldn't talk to her but in the previous quote says he isn't sure if it will or will not happen...and of course this upsets you...Who wouldn't be upset after hearing that?????
Quote: When I spoke to H he said that everything is fine between us and he hates this s*it about me wondering if we are okay
I don't know...he sounds a bit defensive to me and quick to point the blame at you. Maybe he would be right to be defensive if nothing actually is going on with OW. But he has talked to her, now hasn't he? I don't know...but some alarm bells are going off for me here. It just sounds a lot like when you ask someone if they're having an affair, and then they turn everything around and make it about you..." what you don't trust me? R U having an affair?"
Quote: He then said that we are giving it a month to see how things go and that he hates me..
WTF?? Who says that when they are giving their M another chance, another go?? I can see the WAS saying something like..." I'll give it another chance b/c i love you, we have a history together, I care for you, but just to let you know that I still don't feel the 'in-love' feeling at the moment"....BUT to say that he hates you?? I think maybe he made a choice too prematurely too work on the M, and he hates that he made the choice but it is easier for him to say that he hates you??
BQT...I'm sorry to say this, but it seems to me ( and I could be wrong ) that his heart is not into making another go at it, AT THIS TIME ( based on what you wrote ). To me it seems like his head is still swimming, and that if indeed he is mourning OW, it is not going over too well. How can the two of you work on things when he is like this. Okay...maybe the DB answer would be to be supportive of him while he mourns, but how do you do that if he keeps bringing her up, or still needs to talk to her, or even tells you that he misses her? Maybe your H needs some alone time to do this.
Okay I kinda picked apart your post b/c of all the negatives you mentioned. But at the end of your post you said he is trying to show you a more loving side...can u elaborate how he is SHOWING you? Maybe if you elaborate on the positives we can get a more balanced picture of things. But b/c you focussed on the negatives I can only guess that H's positives may not be that significant ( the negatives outweigh any positives ). It might give us a better idea if H is REALLY trying to give it another chance.
I must admit I would like to know what his attempts at a more loving side have been. What I wonder about is the fact that he has moved back in with you because he had no where else to go is that also why he is giving the M another chance as he doesn't feel it is right to move back in with you unless it is to do with M. I don't mean to rain on your parade but I just wonder about the motives more so b/c of his actions and the I hate you comment, that really concerns me. Anyhow I will reserve my judgement until I hear how he is acting more loving.....KDU
Thank you all so much....I can never explain how much all of this information means to me....
When I say that H has been more loving.....it might sound funny but I just mean that he was acting like things had a chance...there has been no real big effort. He did turn off his phone this weekend.
I did talk to H tonight and asked him what are his goals with us and he said..."all I can say is we can try" It pissed me off....if you only knew half of what has been going on in my life you would see how I could have flown off the handle but of course I stayed sweet. He said that he would like to be happily married. I just hate thinking that if we dont communicate and then either one of us is unhappy...I will be the one hurt because it will just be over and then he can say oh well we tried. Its hard to think that I am suppose to fix everything in a month when it took 2 years to get to this point. Two years with this OW and stupid me really believed that they were friends.
KDU.. with your advise I could have sworn that you were my SIL. She has said the same things in the past...yes my H own sister tells me that I am to good to deseve this...I just dont want to feel like a failure. What to do...what to do!
DMF.. You know that I think tha tyou are ABSOLUTELY the greatest...and I appreciate all that you say...if its tough love or not.
I hope that everyone has a great night...you all deserve it...I will be checking in all you all even if I dont have any advise to give. You are all in my thoughts
It sounds as though H is angry at you because you are wanting to work on the M but he is really not into it, and this maybe the reason why he is lashing out at you. Do you think that maybe he is sitting things up to fail? Then he can say after a month if things don't work out, "Well I tried and it didn't work." I really hope I'm wrong and your H really tries.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
BQT Hey kdk could be right but if you are not getting much positive feedback from H then how about ignoring him. Not completely but just go about your business at home as though he is not there. Act happy and all and put into action all your DB skills and then when he says something like you dont seem to interested in me say Oh I'm sorry it's just that, I got the distinct impression from you that you had some issues to sort out so I was trying to make sure I gave you no pressure, I thought that might help you out but any time you are ready to make an effort with the marriage I am more than willing to sit down and hear what you suggest......All sweet like.....Hehehehe is that too sarcastic??????KDU Keep your chin up....
Nothing really new in my stitch except that last night I saw H phone blnking so (bad me) I looked at it and it was a text message from Melinda. it said "Muah, I hope that you have sweet dreams baby" This upset me so much because it sure doesnt sounds as if things are over. I deleted the message ans now I feel awful for doing so. Should I ask him about it or just let it go. I hate the fact that he never believes me when I say that she calls so I stopped telling him. Yesterday she texted me letting me know that she had the day off and she will be with him. I feel like I am spinning and dont know where to stop. My mom is giving me the hardest time because she does NOT want me and H to try on our marriage....I am not kidding....she is freaking me out...she sounds crazy but her ans her friend went driving by my house taking pictures at 1017pm - 11pm. They thought it was funny to do this. She said that I had H work truck blocked in because I was afraid that he would leave and go to Melinda. This is crazy. I think that I have more worries with my mom then my H. My mom said that she is going to make my life miserable as long as I am trying with my M....she wants to call child protective services to make sure Hannah is okay in the house....she thinks that I am a push over and am allowing Melinda and Albert to be at my house together. Well, thanks for listening. What do you think that I should do about the entire H thing. I will keep spinning until I get soem answers
