I like the sound of this last post. I'm also glad that you aren't glossing over the violence with your church. You're completely right about Hannah being the most important person in your life - isn't it incredible that a one-year-old can actually be your best buddy?
You're right about him feeling sad about her is unacceptable - and confiding in you about it moreso.
Oh, just one more thing. I utterly believe in forgiveness and would agree to embrace it for yourself.
HOWEVER!!!... Forgiveness is very different than trust. And trust must be earned. And the access that comes with trust must be earned. I have seen very little evidence of your H working to earn your trust in the short period since his attack.
I think it's great to forgive, but withhold trust and access until he earns it. And earning it goes WAY beyond not laying another hand on you.
Am I suppose to make a go out of this....am I just the doormat for a month
I know exactly how you feel. Since I allowed H to come back in the home several times I felt I allowed him to treat me like a doormat. Our MC told us that H moved back home too soon and should have gotten his own apartment. When I heard this I was shocked. I felt to work on our M he should be in the home where we could be together. Now looking back I totally agree with her.
If your H is serious about working on your M would he seek counseling for 1) depression/withdrawal from OW; and 2) anger management? Albert needs to work on himself first before he can committ to the marriage. Just as we are doing, we are working on ourselves with DB techniques and getting great avdvice from others on the board, and we have been doing this for months. To expect the WAS to come home and say "I'm ready to work on our marriage and be the best spouse ever." That would really be unrealistic. Words that we would love to hear, but they are just words. I believe WAS's have a lot of issues that they need to deal with first and we should be there to support them in anyway we can.
I hope this helps. I wish I had done some of the things that I have learned after the fact. Be strong, we are here for you.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
BQT1 - I just wanted to say that I am still following your sitch but don't have any great words of advice but I agree with Anna etc so listen to them. H may have said to you he is willing to give it go but are his actions reflecting this??? I think not he should not be making you feel guilty about how much he is missing OW, he should be working on your marriage. if you don't feel he is doing this then maybe you need to say to him "Look you seem miserable all the time and obviously that is because you are not seeing OW if that is the case maybe you better come back when she is out of your system as we can never work on us until you are ready to.....I don't know just a suggestion....KDU
BQT1, I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. I would not talk to the OW at all. When she calls I would say something like "I am sorry I have nothing to say to you. You are nothing to me" and hang up. This woman is just trashy. She obviously has really low self esteem if she has to do that sort of thing to make herself feel good. Do you have caller id on your phone? I do think that WAH feel guilt by their actions and this may be why they lie. As they still have feelings for us, they don't want to hurt us, and in their twisted little minds this is how they justify it. (This is just an observation/gut instinct I have felt from seeing my WAH turn from someone who was always honest to someone who cannot lie straight in bed at night). I know the aliens have abducted him, and in time he will return, but right now he lies and I try not to get caught up in it all. The main thing is to look after yourself and your precious little girl. Stay strong
Thank you all for your input on my stitch....it really means a lot to me....
Update... The weekend went well. I gave a baby shower to my dear friend and Albert watched Hannah and Devin while I was gone. My mom is getting very irritated that Albert is around so much....she is not supportive at all. I just tell her to stay away from my situation at home....believe me she is crazy about it and she doesnt know anything exept that he had an affair.....she is an entire other stitch.
H did watch the kids and they had a great time. H is trying to put effort into showing me that he is sorry...but I haven't caved yet...lol! I am trying to stay strong. H had his phone off the majority of the weekend when I saw him because he didnt want all of the calls from OW (supposedly) and for once his brother told me that he thought that Albert was serious this time. I am trying not to be hopeful because I dont want to be let down again like always. I am just being me and trying to enjoy life and realizing that there are a lot of people out there that like to try and make it miserable(family)
I want to be happy and feel good....I am hoping to accomplish this! I still dont know what is going to happen with H but like I said I want to be happy.
Its hard....really really hard! H told me that he talked to Melinda...WTF! H said that he would not do this and look he is doing it. You can not talk to the OW...its not okay. What is he thinking....how can we think about trying to work things out if this is going on. I am sad, hurt and frusterated. I hate this girl....she ruins all my feelings and I am dumb enough to let her. H is gone with the kids...I dont know what to say or do now. I feel like saying F*ck it but its hard I dont want to feel like a failure. Just venting!
Keep strong I don't know what else to say to you, just know that I am looking in on you and sending big ((((((hugs))))))) to you. I can't give you advice as it would be anti DBing at the moment. Someone else I am sure will make you feel better soon just come here and keep venting so you don't blow up at H......KDU
Well it is another day today....I am trying to believe that it will be a good one. I am still very confused on my stitch. Should I talk to H about OW and let him know that I am not approving him talking to her or am I suppose to be quiet and let it eat me up inside. I know that this sounds weird but....I feel like I wasnt an instant answer....I dont want to waste anymore of my life. I guess its not a waste but I dont feel like continuing like this will achieve anything great. I guess don't understand what this has come to. Please let me know. Should I say something and risk the consequences or be quiet and suffer my hearts distruction. Please give me advise it can be mean or nice.
H told me that he talked to Melinda...WTF! H said that he would not do this and look he is doing it.
Did he tell you why? Have you asked him what was his purpose in speaking to her?
He told you about it though, even though he knew the deal was not to speak to her. It's like he cares and doesn't really want to hurt you, but had to do what he felt he had to do, which was call her or return her call or whatever. Their conversation could've been anything... not necessarily a continuation of past infatuations...
I am sad, hurt and frusterated.
Of course. It feels like a setback, it feels as if your hopes are being dashed, and that's frustrating and sad. Maybe his call was all about OW pleading for him back and him trying to let her down gently. In that context, feelings of hurt may turn into feelings of joy.
I hate this girl....she ruins all my feelings and I am dumb enough to let her.
So, knowing this, what will you do to change those feelings around?
I dont know what to say or do now. I feel like saying F*ck it but its hard I dont want to feel like a failure. Just venting!
When in doubt, do nothing. Doing nothing is always an option.
Vent constructively and stop dwelling on the OW, please!
Should I talk to H about OW and let him know that I am not approving him talking to her or am I suppose to be quiet and let it eat me up inside. I know that this sounds weird but....I feel like I wasnt an instant answer....I dont want to waste anymore of my life. I guess its not a waste but
Ah your inner conflict speaks loudly...
You feel that you want an immediate answer because your patience has gotten short and you're not seeing all the results you'd like to see right now. It is what it is.
So if the agreement between the two of you was clearly for him not to speak to her, then yes, I'd nicely call him on it and see what his reasons were. Don't assume the worst (for your peace of mind's sake), nor the best (so as to set yourself up for a hit). Don't be accusatory, angry, emotional, yadda yadda yadda yadda... you know the drill.
