Quote: Mrs.NOP I have questions for you, just as you have questions for me. Can you guide me back to your sitch? Also, are you playing "devil's advocate" here?
I agree with your statement that lovers should not be seeking out "mutual devastation" in their R. I hope I didn't morph your comment too much. I only want my W to understand that she needs to help me along more so that I don't end up being the one who ends up in the devastation pits. Schnarch talks about the sadistic side of Rs and how partners sometimes need that for catharsis. No. I'm not acting sadistic here, wishing my W would feel as bad as I feel. I want her to raise me up out of the pits before I end up feeling bad so no one has to go down there
Weber, it was just a communication thing. Cathy understood what you were trying to convey better than I. I didn't grok that you were looking for your wife to continue working with you on reaching your climax. I misunderstood and thought that you were unable to climax recently and were looking for her to be as upset as you have been about the recent development.
So, I just missed where you were headed, that's all.
With that being said, I still don't think feelings of devastation are a good thing in bed.
My situation is as the LD wife of a very HD husband in a marriage of almost 30 years. NOP and I had a lot of that nonverbal stuff going on too - it wasn't a pretty sight.
NOP got here several years ago.
Here's his first thread . A little further down the bumpy road thread. Things moved along thread. And then I start posting here.
Quote: Actually, I did not tell her verbally, but I doubt that she did not pick up on my non-verbal signs. I can pick up on her non-verbal signs, after all these years, when she is wondering/hoping if I'm almost done ML, so I can't deny that she is picking up on my non-verbal signs that I'm not happy with the outcome when I don't pop.
This is a major no-no, in my opinion. Partners who are already experiencing problems should not be relying on non-verbal cues. If you consider how badly we can misunderstand outright spoken words, the non-verbals open up another whole can of opportunity to fail to communicate.
I suggest that you tell her that although you are encountering difficulty on occasion, that it is your preference to continue to orgasm. But that you want to take her comfort into consideration. If it's taking a really long time, would you consider completion via a handjob from her? Would your wife be open to that? Is your wife open to changing positions? Is she climaxing during intercourse or getting there via clitoral stimulation prior to intercourse? I would make sure there was plenty of lube nearby in any case and if you detect any vaginal dryness that you grease things up a bit. Another thing to consider is the order of things. While it sounds like many of us go with the "bring wife to orgasm then hubby", I have a friend who does just the opposite. They get warmed up, husband climaxes during intercourse then he manually brings her to orgasm.
This is something that you can deal with - I'm also a member of the occasional "I can climb the hill but can't quite reach the top" brigade. But it is much more easily dealt with if the two of you can be open and communicative about it.
Your two choices aren't withdraw or explode. There's a middle one in there, where you express yourself about the situation to your spouse. You may have to do the withdraw thing first, while you get yourself under control. Think through what you are wanting to convey and then talk to her about it.
Something as simple as (of course only as it applies to your own feelings) "Honey, you've probably noticed that I occasionally encounter difficulty in reaching orgasm. It's very upsetting to me when it takes me longer to achieve it. In fact I find it frightening and something of a blow to my sense of self. I don't want to cause you discomfort, but I do want to ask you to work with me to help me through this. I think if we could XYZ, or would you be open to me asking for a change of positions or ABC when and if it comes up again?"
