Quote: Devastation is not a good emotion to be shooting for in sexual issues.
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Mrs.NOP I have questions for you, just as you have questions for me. Can you guide me back to your sitch? Also, are you playing "devil's advocate" here?
I agree with your statement that lovers should not be seeking out "mutual devastation" in their R. I hope I didn't morph your comment too much. I only want my W to understand that she needs to help me along more so that I don't end up being the one who ends up in the devastation pits. Schnarch talks about the sadistic side of Rs and how partners sometimes need that for catharsis. No. I'm not acting sadistic here, wishing my W would feel as bad as I feel. I want her to raise me up out of the pits before I end up feeling bad so no one has to go down there.
Quote: Did you tell your wife how upset you were and did she dismiss your feelings? What is causing you to think she doesn't understand?
Actually, I did not tell her verbally, but I doubt that she did not pick up on my non-verbal signs. I can pick up on her non-verbal signs, after all these years, when she is wondering/hoping if I'm almost done ML, so I can't deny that she is picking up on my non-verbal signs that I'm not happy with the outcome when I don't pop.
Here's some further self-revelation (You're good at getting that out of people, you know.) When I get angry, I mean really angry, it ends up looking to other people as indifference or even aloofness. I withdraw and go to my den, my comforting place. I've had a terriblly embarrassing time expressing anger the few times in my life I have actually done so. The few times I have expressed my anger(or similar emotions) have all backfired into me eating crow, so I don't like to go there. I'm much more of a fact finding kind of guy. To answer your question, no, I didn't tell her how upset I was the times she left me hanging out there trying to climb that peak without her help. I'm much better at making conversation that is pleasent and helping the people around me to feel good.
