In my R the importance of "popping" or having an orgasm while ML is viewed with different levels of importance between my LDW and me. It has taken me quite a while to understand this fully, but now that I can see how my LDW doesn't understand my POV, I do understand much better what her POV actually is.
For years now, while ML she would make comments like, "Don't wait for me." Or "Tonight's just for you." I wouldn't or couldn't understand. Don't wait for you? Tonight's not about us, just about me? I do not comprehend. ML is about physical touch and intimacy and foreplay and afterplay and so on; but without popping, it is all of the other parts of ML EXCEPT for the real deal, or so I thought.
Recently, I've had some problems finishing the act, or popping. It doesn't faze her a bit. I would think that she would be just as devastated for me as I felt for myself. But no, it just hasn't really seemed to faze her at all.
Well. I thought about this quite deeply and it finally clicked for me. All the while she was telling me, "Don't wait for me." Or, "Tonight's just for you," she was stating her true perspective on popping while engaged in ML, which is something akin to, "While popping is nice, it doesn't have to happen for the sex to be rewarding."
So here’s the dilemma: When she doesn’t pop, I feel like I’ve let her down big time, and her words are just words (at least up until very recently) yet she actually feels like it’s no biggie. But when I don’t pop, to her it’s no big deal; life goes on, no great shockwaves or anything. But I’m going out of my mind!!!
So there’s the sitch. Now, how do I explain the differences in the importance that we each place on popping while ML to my LDW? Remember from a previous post of mine that she doesn’t really like to talk about sex and also, I’ve learned here from other posts to only reveal little bits and pieces of my sexuality to her at one time.
Web, There's no way to explain things without explaining things. She'll get over her reluctance to talk about it, I promise you.
Just take the conversation lightly. Explain that you just realized that the two of you view it differently (probably due to body chemistry) and therefore you will need different solutions for each of you. You are stating a preference of your own (I'd prefer to keep going until I O) and she is stating hers (I'd prefer to call it a night rather than continue trying). Put it on the table, my friend, aint no other way.
Quote: So there’s the sitch. Now, how do I explain the differences in the importance that we each place on popping while ML to my LDW?
Why do you feel you need to explain the differences? Isn't knowing there is a difference between the way you to view it enough or do you want to try and change her perspective so that she will begin to view it the way you do?
Maybe the act of sex is not about "popping" for her but about making love. She places more importance on the act than the outcome. Nothing wrong with that in my mind.
You, on the other hand need the act and the outcome. I'm not sure how explaining the differences is going to help you "pop." Are you unable to orgasm because of her view on whether or not she has an orgasm? If so then, it might be you that needs to work on how you are viewing love making with you wife. It's not all about the "pop" for some people and letting that interfere with your enjoyment is not something your wife has control over.
Put some work into enjoying yourself and knowing that your wife is into the love making and stop thinking so much about the differences in how you two view whether or not you orgasm. Cathy
Why do you feel you need to explain the differences? Isn't knowing there is a difference between the way you to view it enough or do you want to try and change her perspective so that she will begin to view it the way you do?
C47
I feel the need to explain the diference in perspectives so that she understands that what to her is "no biggie" is to me "going out of my mind." I have made my peace with her perspective of "no biggie." But I still need to make her understand my perspective that popping is the real deal to me, and I go crazy if our ML ends before it happens. I'm not a bad lover, just doing it with her for my own gratification. She likes hugs, kisses, and snuggling. I make sure that we do those things when we ML. If she wants to pop, I make that happen for her as well. What I'm looking for here is for her to understand that what makes the event for me is the climax as well as everything leading up to it and after it; but without the climax I'm just not satisfied. That is the perspective that I hold that I want my wife to understand. I am not asking her to adopt that perspective as her own, only to understand that is my perspective and how I am.
Quote: Put some work into enjoying yourself and knowing that your wife is into the love making and stop thinking so much about the differences in how you two view whether or not you orgasm.
C47
How do you get the idea that my wife is so into the lovemaking when she's making comments like, "Don't wait for me tonight." And "Tonight's just for you." Wouldn't you agree that those statements are a far cry different from. "I've just gotta jump your bone tonight." Or even, "I can't wait for us to ML tonight"?
Quote: Web, There's no way to explain things without explaining things. She'll get over her reluctance to talk about it, I promise you.
Put it on the table, my friend, aint no other way.
HP
Thanks, HP. I think you are right. It's been easier for me to bring up R topics recently and she has been more willing to discuss. She knows I spend time here at the BB and is getting the idea that my doing so is important to me because the R is important to me. So she IS taking more of our R to heart.
I'll just have to find the right context to bring it up in. I don't think that this topic would go over well as an ice breaker.
Quote: Recently, I've had some problems finishing the act, or popping. It doesn't faze her a bit. I would think that she would be just as devastated for me as I felt for myself. But no, it just hasn't really seemed to faze her at all.
and
Quote: I feel the need to explain the diference in perspectives so that she understands that what to her is "no biggie" is to me "going out of my mind." I have made my peace with her perspective of "no biggie." But I still need to make her understand my perspective that popping is the real deal to me, and I go crazy if our ML ends before it happens.
I'm not sure what your goal is on this one. I think you might want to reconsider this sense that the failure of either or you to orgasm should result in mutual "devastation".
Devastation is not a good emotion to be shooting for in sexual issues.
Failure to orgasm is going to occur for most folks at some point. I don't see how having the two of you burst into tears with howlings of pain is a workable solution or desirable outcome.
Did you tell your wife how upset you were and did she dismiss your feelings? What is causing you to think she doesn't understand?
OTOH, if I were you I would look into the possible causes. There are some medications that can impact your ability to complete to orgasm. You may want to discuss it with your physician.
Quote: I am not asking her to adopt that perspective as her own, only to understand that is my perspective and how I am.
That is reasonable but I still don't see how her having that understanding is going to help you to have an orgasm. When you say you want her to understand is, what you really mean, that you want her to act in a way during love making that makes it more pleasurable for you so that you can more easily orgasm? If so, then it's not only understanding you want but a change in behavior also. Again, I don't think that is unreasonable but you might want to go at it from the mechanics side instead of the feelings side. You can't change the way she feels during the act but you might can impress upon her that there are certain things you would like for her to do during the act. Know what I mean?
Quote: How do you get the idea that my wife is so into the lovemaking when she's making comments like, "Don't wait for me tonight." And "Tonight's just for you." Wouldn't you agree that those statements are a far cry different from. "I've just gotta jump your bone tonight." Or even, "I can't wait for us to ML tonight"?
My perspective on what she says is different from yours. Maybe because I'm a woman and can understand better where she is coming from. I've said those very words myself when I knew that I was not going to have an orgasm. In my mind I was letting him off the hook of having to work so hard to please me and to focus on himself and his own enjoyment. I don't orgasm every time I have sex, in fact I rarely orgasm during sex. I love the act of sex but never wanted my husband killing himself over something I knew was not going to happen. I would rather he kill himself, go hog wild over what was going to happen for him. I was pretty lucky though cause when we did have sex it wasn't about the orgasm for either one of us, more the coupling and being together.
Those statements are a far cry from "I just gotta jump your bones." They are not indicative of a lack of desire to be with you though. They indicate, in my opinion, a desire for you to orgasm even if she knows you can't. That is very loving in my opinion.
If you have it twisted up someway in your head and feel as if you are making love to a lump in the mattress instead of a woman who loves you then that is something for you to work on. Whether you orgasm or not is controlled by your brain and what runs through your head at the time. Cathy
When you say you want her to understand is, what you really mean, that you want her to act in a way during love making that makes it more pleasurable for you so that you can more easily orgasm? If so, then it's not only understanding you want but a change in behavior also. Again, I don't think that is unreasonable but you might want to go at it from the mechanics side instead of the feelings side. You can't change the way she feels during the act but you might can impress upon her that there are certain things you would like for her to do during the act. Know what I mean?
Yes, that is EXACTLY what I mean. To put in present tense, Mrs.WM and I are ML. She has her O, so I feel free to get into letting my seed fly. She get's relaxed from her O, yet I want to keep going for mine. Soon, nothing is happening to take me over the top, to make me pop. She is winding down, yet I am trying to climb to the peak. Any minute now, she gives me the look that says, "Are you going to be done soon? You're wearing me out."
We do need a behaivor change as well as a feelings revelation. We could be so good together if only we could communicate mechanics as well as feeling through this!
Quote: She has her O, so I feel free to get into letting my seed fly. She get's relaxed from her O, yet I want to keep going for mine. Soon, nothing is happening to take me over the top, to make me pop. She is winding down, yet I am trying to climb to the peak. Any minute now, she gives me the look that says, "Are you going to be done soon? You're wearing me out."
I have encountered this. My bf comes first and then it's my "turn," so he will use his hand. But his attitude is how long is this going to take, I'm sleepy, my hand is getting tired, etc. I can't O under that kind of pressure. I need to feel I can take all the time I need in order for it not to take so long, kwim? The pressure of having to come becuase I'm losing his attention makes it impossible for me to focus enough to come. WM put it well-- I'm still trying to climb the peak, but he's winding down and checking out. I consider this selfish behavior on his part, and he's the first guy I've known who was this way. Most guys really want their partner to O and will do what it takes to make it happen. All I need is for him to be there and be patient. Sometimes it takes him forever to come-- I've sucked him as long as an hour or more. But I'm a "gentleman" and don't bail, as long as he wants me to continue. However, he will not reciprocate in kind.
I think I've read this complaint on this board before. The "I've had mine and I'm losing interest" syndrome. Mandksdad springs to mind, but maybe others have experienced it, too.
Just gonna ask a question. You mentioned that for years your wife has not felt popping was important to her In your post you also stated that she has told you for years that this time was just for you ect. You then state
Recently, I've had some problems finishing the act, or popping.
Curious to what changed? If for years you have been able to pop even though she stated the sex was just for your benifit (which I see as very loving and wanting you to be happy). Why all of a sudden does the burden of you not being able to pop fall on her shoulders? Her behavior did not change and from the above statement you said recently not always so this behavior did not always inhibit you from popping. So what changed for you? Again just a question.
