It's been three years since our seperation and I still have flashbacks of what had happened. Certain tiny things still trigger the pain I once felt. Almost like PTSD. I have forgiven him but I don't think I will ever forget. But here's a summary of what happened 3 years ago:
Married: now 10 years, then 7 when it started in 2002 H: 30 now and me 29 Children: 2 boys (now ages 9 & 6) and new daughter this year Seperated for almost a year (H had basically a MLC at age 27 ie. affair w/ younger women, fast car, hanging out w/ the boys w/ no responsiblity etc.), H had short-lived affair w/ ow for about 5mos.
During the seperation..I was in contact w/ ow and found out too much info about her and my husband.. some maybe true and some fabricated..don't know what to believe anymore about what exactly happened. Want to believe H but at the same time I know he maybe not totally truthful to try not to hurt me anymore.
Well, to date we have moved on, we don't talk about the past anymore..it only led to arguements and pain. Not as many flashbacks..most of time I just keep it to myself. I find bringing it up at this time is pointless.. it doesn't change what has happened in the past..and I try to stay focused on the present and future. Time does heal some of it..but not all of it. With time there has been fewer flashbacks but it's funny how that sharp twinge or the feeling of heaviness in your chest still comes back just as strong as it has happened yesterday. If anybody knows what I mean.
My H and I have gone to a few marriage counseling sessions.. helped a bit. Basically the counselor told us to forget the past and focus on future of relationship & prevent old ways that led up to seperation. Plan to do some individual counseling and hope to go back to marriage counseling once daughter is a little older (newborn). I feel that all marriages have something to work on (there's no such thing as a perfect marriage), as you all know it's continually dynamic due to life changes/ stressors we have to keep working at our marriages. Finding ways to make it better. H feels differently though, he doesn't see anything wrong w/ us at all..things are better than it ever was..but I still see things we lack and need to work on (ie. I would like him to be more affectionate and to improve on communication). I think this had to do w/ the way women and men differ in thinking.
I guess what I'm hoping to find is some support from others who are experiencing some of the same emotions that I am going through and to get some helpful advice. Also, we both came from parents who had awful marriages. How is it suppose to be like after being married 10 years? Maybe my expectations from him or our relationship is unrealistic. My problem is I keep comparing how it use to be during our 1st year together to now, and keep judging if he's still in love w/ me as before. I know he loves me but is he in love w/ me?
Hi. Welcome. I only have a second but wanted you to know we're out here .
Quote: With time there has been fewer flashbacks but it's funny how that sharp twinge or the feeling of heaviness in your chest still comes back just as strong as it has happened yesterday. If anybody knows what I mean.
Um, yah, I think you'll find a few of us who can relate to this. I'm glad to hear that time is helping and reducing the frequency.
BTW, you mentioned PTSD. There is literature to suggest the aftermath of an A yields similar symptoms.
Quote: I feel that all marriages have something to work on (there's no such thing as a perfect marriage), as you all know it's continually dynamic due to life changes/ stressors we have to keep working at our marriages. Finding ways to make it better. H feels differently though, he doesn't see anything wrong w/ us at all..things are better than it ever was..but I still see things we lack and need to work on (ie. I would like him to be more affectionate and to improve on communication). I think this had to do w/ the way women and men differ in thinking.
This is straight out of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (have you read it?).
Let me suggest this...use DB'ing to keep the improvements going without necessarily make some verbal assertions to h that you guys are "gonna work on it and make things better". Do you know what I mean? If your h is anything like mine, the "make things better" comments may eventually lead to him thinking you'll never be happy. Instead, I try to rely on DB'ing to make changes in my R without his "agreement". It can be slow and frustrating but it can work.
I forgot to note whether you've been on the boards for a while or are a newbie...either way, we could put some goals out there (I think you stated some areas you'd like to improve) and start doing some brainstorming.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ok, I've noted that you've posted a little but have been registered for a while...have you read DR? Even if the answer is yes, perhaps it's time for a re-read? (It's on my calendar too!)....it will help us go thru the steps again if it's fresh in your mind.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks Sage for the reply. I've read DR and should probably read it again..Right now I'm on maternity leave and hopefully between feeds and diapers I will get the chance to look at some of the chapters. I haven't posted for awhile..but I've come back to the message board on occasion. But thanks for the helpful insight.
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