SD: I'm glad you asked. I have, over the past six months or so, initiated sex maybe four or five times. I have been turned down all of those times. She has initiated twice, successfully.
Now, given that background, I can honestly tell you that she very likely is tired of me asking and wanting. Mostly, the wanting. Because, you see, she knows that I want her, constantly, 24/7/365. She knows that I want to use her for my degrading habit of sexual intercourse. I can be sitting there next to her, reading, and she knows, that, deep down, I want to do the horizontal bop.
I might be fixing dinner, and she knows that I'm doing it for one reason: to get her to have sex with me.
I might be sleeping, but she knows that I'm dreaming of tying her to the bed and forcing myself on her.
Okay...now that I've gotten that out of my system, I will tell you that there is indeed truth in what you say. She really does think that I am driven by my sexual urges, and that this is all I care about.
I went on for years denying this, and apologizing for my sexuality. Only lately have I started to tell her that yes, I do desire her, that I enjoy sex, that I'd like to have it more than a couple times a year and that some of the time I think about it. But not nearly to the extent she thinks I do.
And yes, I am sure that she thinks that sex should be a freely offered gift, rather than an obligation that is demanded. She has even used those very words, as a matter of fact. And, to add to those words, she has said that it is a precious gift. She has accused me of demanding it. If you knew me, you might laugh at that. I may have, early on in the relationship, gotten a bit "pissy" after being turned down numerous times, but I am not the "demanding" type, nor is my W one from whom you would demand something.
As far as whether our sexual encounters focus on her pleasure or mine, I will give you this snapshot:
During those times when we do ML, it usually begins (even when she verbally initiates), with me touching her breasts and then, gradually, proceding to her genitals. Sometimes, but not always, she will play with me, but usually not for more than a few seconds. Usually, on her cue, we'll begin to have sex, in either the missionary position, or with her on top. We've only had sex in other positions maybe a half dozen times since we've been together. Oral sex, giving or receiving, is not allowed. Once in a particular position, changing positions is not allowed. She doesn't particularly like it if I try to vary my speed, so I try to start out as slow as possible. Still, I must admit that I don't last very long, maybe a few minutes at best. It's tough when you only have sex a couple times a year, and you can't change positions or speed.
So, I would say that the first 80 percent of the "act" is focused almost exclusively on her pleasure, although I derive great pleasure doing this for her. The last 20 percent is for me, I suppose, and I must say that I usually don't end up enjoying it very much because it passes so quickly.
Why even bother? Because, you know. It can be so wonderful. It even has been wonderful with her before, although it's been years. Because it's a way I can feel close to someone I love in a romantic way. Because it has such great potential.
Well, I took that comment and ran with it, didn't I?
I don't know if I ever told that I used to wonder if my W might be gay. I have also thought that she may be asexual. Given her aversion to oral sex, I think she'd make a lousy lesbian, but maybe not. I know there's a lot more to a relationship than sex. I just didn't think that it was all I had to look forward to for the rest of my life.
