I'm still standing by my assessment, however, that she does not understand REAL SEX. Whatever she's got sex wrapped in, be it past trauma or unrealistic romance, she doesn't understand IT, know what I'm saying? Remember, I've used all those excuses and then some in my own past... and it all came from my skewed misunderstanding, my own projections, my own 'tangled wires.'
Keep in mind the woman has an aversion to sex, and YOU represent SEX to her. She is projecting, and (yea for you) you now understand this isn't your bag to carry. You don't personalize her aversion anymore. That's true power.
Yet you still have the 'aversion' problem because you love her... which necessitates you hauling out your 'empathy.' Patience is practicing empathy and tolerance, without being a doormat. You got the doormat part figured out. Issue here is not figuring out 'why' she is the way she is, but helping her to feel safe enough to explore her sexuality and learn what real sex is... which is completely separate from love (imho).
See if you can help her break it down. Her excuses are her safety net. You remove the excuses, she feels like she is standing on the edge of a cliff with no handrails. That's enough to send anyone into panic mode, or to the wine cellar.
My suggestion is to desensitize her to the issue of sex... help her separate YOU from SEX. In her mind, the two are one and the same right now, so you carry the brunt of her fear, etc., etc. See where I am going with this?
