Scene 1. The Kitchen. Hairdog has grilled some eggplant that had been marinating a day in the fridge. He has grilled some sweet corn. He has made a salad. Nothing else for dinner because, he thinks, this is enough, and he has just gotten home from a swimming lesson for DD4.
W: Is this all there is? I think the eggplant is more of a side dish than a main dish. H: Yes, that's it. W: I think you need to plan more in advance for meals. H: I didn't have a lot of time to prepare this one. W: I mean, maybe you should plan the meals during the weekend. H: I'm not going to do that. W: (said in an irritated voice) Well, do you want me to plan the meals? H: (pause) No. (calmly) I want you to complain less.
Thereafter, pleasant dinnertime conversation ensued, including compliments on the eggplant, recipe found here.
Scene 2. The bedroom. They have just retired for the night. W: I wish you could touch me for my pleasure and not for your pleasure. H: Huh? W: Like this morning. You were thinking of your pleasure, and not really caring whether it would feel good to me. H: This morning? When? I don't remember touching you this morning. W: When you said goodbye. H: (aside) I just kissed her goodbye, as I always do. Maybe I kissed her on her cheek, then her nose, then her mouth, but they were all mere pecks. I was just trying to find her mouth in the dark. H: I just kissed you goodbye. W: Seems like you were trying to get something started. H: Ummm...no. Just saying goodbye. W: I just want you to not want of me. H: Eh? W: I just want you to not want of me. I want you to be comfortable with me saying no.
H: (aside) Oh...that old saw again. But what's this "I just want you to not want of me" thing? Besides being grammatically nightmarish, what does it mean? Well, when I asked her to clarify, she did the old "comfortable with me saying 'no' thing. Maybe it's just a variation on that.
H: I'll have to get my mind around that "want you to want of me" statement. W: (Groggily) Huh? H: (aside) She fell asleep. I must have inner-monologued longer than I realized. H: We'll talk tomorrow
Scene 3. Hairdog driving to work. The cellphone rings. W: Are you mad at me? H: Ummm, no. W: Are you upset? H: No. Why would I be? W: Oh, just about what I said to you last night. H: I'm not mad. Not even upset. I would like to talk some more about it tonight, though. W: Okay. It's just a wish of mine. H: What's a wish? W: That you not 'need' to touch me. H: (aside) WTF. This is what really goes on, folks. Of course I don't 'need' to touch her. I could live the rest of my life without touching her or being touched by her. It's a 'want' sort of thing. I want to touch her, so I do. I used to ask her if it was okay to touch her. That was stupid of me and I don't do it anymore. I let my actions speak for themselves. If I want to touch her, I do. If she responds with touching of her own, great. If she just sits there, I either keep on touching, or I don't. It just kind of depends on how I feel. If I touch her and she says 'no,' fine.
Am I going to be "comfortable" with her saying 'no'? It depends on the meaning of "comfortable." I know, typical lawyer answer. Comfortable: at ease of mind and body. Yes. I am no longer uneasy with her saying 'no.' I used to be. I used to be sad, angry, resentful, etc. No more. I just accept it. I might think, with compassion towards her, that it is too bad that she seems sometimes unable to express or accept affection, at least physically.
But, comfortable: providing physical or emotional comfort. No. There is nothing "comforting" about hearing the word "no" in this context. Especially when you hear it dozens of times. Yes, I can accept it.
H: Well, I don't 'need' to touch you. I'll touch you when I want to. Just say 'no' if you don't want me to. I really don't 'need' to. W: I hope that's true.
(curtain)
Okay, I swear she really talks like this. Tonight, I intend to address her statement that, when I touch her (or kiss her or whatever), that it should not be for my pleasure, but rather, for hers. WTF? Can you say 'fusion'? I refuse to get inside her head and try to figure out if she wants to be touched at a particular moment, whether she will derive pleasure from it, and, at the same time, turn off my pleasure center. I gave that up about the time that I stopped asking her if it was okay to touch her.
Now, I just touch her or kiss her or hug her when I feel like it. Let her, through her actions or words, let me know if it is pleasing or not. And damned if I'm going to be worrying about what's going on in her head and ignore my own sensations. Sometimes, I think she's a robot and is trying to turn me into one. Maybe not a robot....maybe, the Borg. (Scott1701? Help me! Resistance is futile? I will be assimilated?)
Okay. I need to get some work done. Just needed to exercise my abilities as a playwright.
