Another long night of discussions and arguments. Another morning of discussions, arguments, yelling, door slamming, etc.
But I have to tell you, I feel better about me than ever. I even feel some hope for the M. It's not because of anything she's said or done, either. It's because this argument/discussion is not following the pattern of previous ones.
In previous arguments, I end up (sometimes after a few days, sometimes after a few minutes) apologizing, backing down, acquiescing, trying my best to smooth things over. Not this time.
Maybe it's because I feel more sure about my position. Maybe it's because she somewhat forced my hand to re-commit to staying in the marriage for better or worse, and damned if I'm going to settle for worse. Maybe it's because those years of her telling me I had low self-esteem and was not self-assured finally made me get some self-esteem and feel self-assured. Maybe it's the medication I'm taking for the ADD (I've never been able to stay on top of an argument with her like I have been lately...before, I would get flustered and befuddled...none of that now).
Whatever it is, it's not following the previous pattern. And we both know it.
One thing I've really been "catching" her on, is her consistent misinterpretation of my statements to her. She would do this in the past, and I would always end up saying, "I may have said that, but I meant xyz..." Now, I say, "I didn't say that. You may have heard it that way but I didn't say that, and consequently, didn't mean that."
She even went so far as to write down what she thought I said when I told her, "I know you are doing the best you can at this point in time. That doesn't mean I have to be happy with it."
She wrote down, "Hairdog said, 'I know you're doing your best. That's not enough. I'm not happy.'"
The meaning of those two statements is very different. I believe that all of us are doing the best we can at that moment. That doesn't mean we can't improve. That doesn't mean we might never do as well as we are doing. What it means is just what it says: right now, this is the best I (or you) can do.
And, just to apply it to Ms. Hdog's situation, given all that is going on in her life, including her job, her commitment to her kids, her mental health, her stress level, the amount of free time in her day, her attitude, her physical health, her understanding and acceptance and progress in dealing with her intimacy issues (abandonment, father issues, perfectionism), and all the other stuff that makes up a moment in time (temperature, humidity, noise level, time of day), she is doing her best.
So, given that she is doing her best at this moment, do I indeed have to be happy about it? Of course not, but before we even get there, let's look at the concept of "being happy." I think this is a continuum. In the middle, the fulcrum, there is the state of being neither happy nor unhappy. Are ever truly happy? We can come close to the end of that scale, but, for me at least, I am constantly sliding around the fulcrum area, with occasional trips toward both ends of the scale.
So I will never be consistently, constantly, fully happy. That's okay. As long as I'm more on the happy end of the scale, it's all good.
What my W thought/heard me saying was, "even when I'm doing the best I can do, he won't be happy." She probably inserts more of a spin, "...so why even try?"
What was it I said?:I know you're doing the best you can do right now. This doesn't mean I have to be happy about it. What did I mean? You think you're doing your best, and that thought is limiting you. Also, the thought that I will never be happy no matter what you do, is limiting you. Stop thinking about limits. I have told you that I don't expect you to spend two hours a day, writhing in passion with me. A touch here, a kiss there, a hug there, and yes, some ML from time to time, is all I ask right now. Stop saying, "it's too hard to find the time, it's too hard to please him, I'm too stressed." Stop limiting yourself.
Do what I had to do in order to gain some self-esteem, to stop being a wimp, to stop apologizing for everything: Get out of your comfort zone.
DogHairs, Remember NOP's thread from a couple months ago on what it means to be 'manly'? Well you, my friend, have NAILED it! Gosh your whole post just oozed with it. Confidence, self assuredness, kindness, the whole monty.
Way to go. You are single handedly turning your ship around and it's awesome to watch. You have renewed my hope in Sixy Men.
Keep it up.
Honeypot
P.S. When are you going to change your name to HotDog.
Hairy, By gosh, I think you found your steely man outfit and put it on! Glad to see you finally moving in the direction of progress. Keep it up, good things will come your way. And no, this isn't a painless path, but what it is they say: no pain, no gain.
Quote: Maybe it's the medication I'm taking for the ADD (I've never been able to stay on top of an argument with her like I have been lately...before, I would get flustered and befuddled...none of that now).
I think you nailed it right there. Whether it's due to the medication, I have no idea. But it's obvious that what has changed is YOU. Assuming that your accounts of your conversations are true and accurate, you have done a complete 180 from where you were a year or more ago.
She used to be able to run right over you. She's used to that. She COUNTS on it. Now she can't do it anymore, and you've got her flustered. You changed yourself, and so the relationship has to change. Where have I read that before?
In fact it seems to be working so well for you, you're inspiring me to try it out myself....
Hairdog I swear some times you and I live in a parallel universe. W's always finding another meaning what we said, too hot, too cold, humidity wrong, etc.
I was pleased you stood your ground without getting overbearing with her. From what you posteds, it sounded like you said your piece in a business like fashion, without accusing anyone of doing something spitefull or underhanded.
