HD: Has this issue been discussed before with the MC? I'm not getting why you think your wife will blow up when you tell her the agenda for the meeting. If you've discussed her drinking before and told her you think it's a problem, why would she explode now? Just because you mentioned it to the MC? If she is that sensitive about it, then clearly SHE thinks she has a problem.
Its to bad that you W isn't like mine in the regard to drinking. My W gets horny when she drinks, Which I love but man is it a pain in the ass to get her drunk.
I am getting the feeling that the C session yesterday though may not have solved anything it seems to have put you into a less frustrated frame of mind. Sometimes just talking can relieve a fraction of our stress and put us in a better place. I understand you waiting to tell your wife about the subjects of the meeting until after your older children visit. I am sure what little time you have with them you do not want it to be jaded by what is going on in other parts of your life. How old are your older children?
I feel for you on the wifes drinking situation in that it is causing you discomfort. Though I myself as being a former Drug and Alcohol C feel that if she is a alcoholic is up to a professional to decide. And that those of us on this board with little information and not knowing the extent of her drinking and habits really can only speculate and offer condolenses toward how you feel about her drinking we should not be labling her condition. There is a determining factor A person that drinks out of want is not always a alcholic A person that drinks out of need is usually a alcholic and we cannot determine if it is a need or want without clearly knowing the whole of the situation. A person that only drinks on the weekends can be more of a alcholic then a person that drinks everyday depending on the reason that they drink. I feel everyone here is only offering support but I would not take the ready made label that it supplies and stick it on your wife. I do hope your C session goes well next week and that your C pays close attention to this subject. If she feels that your fear or thoughts are valid there are things she can interject into your W C sessions with her to steer your wife in the right direction of realization without your wifes direct knowledge.
I hope that your weekend with your childen goes well. I hope your next C session goes well. I will be lurking and watching. But I have decided to refrain from replying as often on others peoples threads. As I am usually on the otherside of the fence from most I can still learn from them without inputting my thoughts.
Again these are only my thoughts and I am Wishing you luck!
Just had a long talk with my W, including telling her that I had talked with MC about her drinking. She didn't go ballistic, but she doesn't think we need to go to the MC to talk out this issue.
She reiterated that what she wanted from me was a promise that "for better or worse" I would not leave the marriage.
I told her about all the options I had listed...leaving, staying but having an affair, staying and suffering silently, and staying and fighting for what I thought was best for the M.
And I said I'd stay. For better or worse.
She wants me to feel safe talking with her? I told her that she's going to have to stop minimizing my needs. She's going to have to listen to me and take me seriously.
And I told her that she has to stop threatening to leave. Of course, she said she had only threatened to leave when she thought I was going to leave, but I reminded her that her divorce threats began long ago for a multitude of reasons.
And we talked about her drinking a bit. At first she was predictably nonchalant about it, then she tried to justify it, then she apologized for the things she said to me when drunk. I replied, "your apologies don't mean anything when I know that the next time you drink, you might say them again, and then wake up the next morning and apologize. You've done this before."
I told her that her words hurt me, that I found it difficult to stop thinking about them, and that it would take time to get over their effect.
After I told her that I would not leave the marriage, she said, "I'm going to have to let that sit with me for awhile."
I don't even know what that means.
I will see how she acts toward me tonight.
Only time will tell.
Hairdog, bewildered, tired, and somewhat apathetic about the whole mess.
A year ago, I don't think this kind of an exchange would have been possible in your marriage. Look at what you've accomplished! Dude, I'm proud to be your friend. I know that confronting her is not high on your list of fave things to do, but you've set your mind towards a course of action and you are seeing it through to the end. It is admirable and attractive.
I think your wife has sensed a change in you--she knows that she no longer has your balls in a vise and she is acting accordingly. Congrats on your progress and don't stop now. Insist on the MC session next week.
Hairdog.... You are da man. I like how you threw in there that she is going to have to take your needs seriously. The way you are handling all this earns our respect ( and in time your W's respect as well).
Quote: She reiterated that what she wanted from me was a promise that "for better or worse" I would not leave the marriage.
That is crap, and I'm not sure you even should have answered it. She wants an absolute promise from you, but she won't give you anything solid in return.
Quote: After I told her that I would not leave the marriage, she said, "I'm going to have to let that sit with me for awhile."
I don't even know what that means.
Me either. I hope the MC can get through to her that she has to give you something more useful than that. That's probably why she (the MC) said not to discuss these things on your own. Still, that sounds like a good conversation (on your end, anyway).
Good luck, it sounds like things are rolling forward, slowly but surely....
I sense a change in you for the better. You kept your ground and didn't get upset. Have to agree with HP, I can't see you having that conversation a year ago.
