I haven't really talked about this problem. She may have a drinking Problem (with a capital P). She tends to have at least one glass of wine or a beer every night. Sometimes, she'll have two glasses. It's when it gets over that threshhold that she has a problem. If she's over the threshhold, and she's mad at me, she can get pretty mean. If she's not mean at me, she can sometimes come up with a reason to be.
I expect she'll get very defensive and angry when I tell her that it is one of the subjects that we are going to discuss.
Over two drinks a night sounds problematic to me. And H and I share a drink nearly every night.
Actually, I suppose the amount doesn't really matter, it's the attitude behind it. If the person is reliant on it for any reason, then it's a problem. And the fact that it facilitates her meanness is definitely a prob.
Good luck to you, friend. This has got to stir up a hornet's nest of memories for you, from xw, and all kinds of anxiety knowing how she is going to react when you tell her.
HD, You already know you can't make any progress when talking to a drunk (not that your W is a drunk) Yes I would bring up the amount and days your W drinks to the C. If your W retalliates, so be it.
I have no time for drunks. Anything over 1 drink per hour is over the limit.
My feeling for me) (don't need no courage in a bottle, dont need no mind less substance) similar to Pink floyd, 'don't need no education" don't need no mind control' lines in his song.
W finished a case yesterday and was relieved and fairly relaxed. I asked her if she would be able to spare an hour and a half for a meeting with the MC. W: Why an hour and a half? H: We have a lot of things to talk about. W: Well, can't we just talk about them? H: I'd prefer to do it in front of a third party. W: You know, someday you're going to have to learn to just talk to me. You can't always be needing your security blanket. H: MC is not a security blanket. I just think our conversation will be more productive if she's the moderator.
She started picking at me about bringing this up when she was finally done with this case, how she finally has some free time, and she'd prefer to relax. She said she'd look at her calendar and see if she had the time to spend an extra half hour at the MC.
I haven't told her what the agenda is yet because I wanted to respect her wishes to relax. Okay, I also was relieved that it gave me a reason not to tell her. I kind of want to tell her after Saturday morning when my three older kids go back to their mom's house...so they don't have to witness/get stressed out by W's reaction. And then part of me wants to tell her the agenda so it's out there, and, if her reaction is to scream and rant and jump up and down, then let her do it.
Hairy, I know you've mentioned the anger to her, but have you ever mentioned that you think her drinking is excessive? What was her response to that?
I'm thinking there can be no good to come out of telling her the topics before the MC session, except to give her time to formulate her deflection strategy. However, if you've never mentioned the drinking before, it could look like a "He's just pulling out anything he can think of to make me look bad" move.
I was thinking about you last night, buddy, and hoping that this difficult convo goes well.
My father and stepfather are both alcoholics and I know the dance well. Dad has been jailed for it enough times that he no longer has a license. Stepdad has tried to drink himself to death many times but modern medicine is getting too advanced for its own good, I guess. They are both wonderful people and it is nothin but sad. Of course, I can say that because I no longer live with either of them and have to deal with it.
It really sucks how one person can drink a drink and be fine for the rest of their lives and another touches it and it is like a switch is thrown and their brain modified. From then on, they have a "problem" with it that others just...don't. I'm not taking the responsbility away from the drinker cause that's where it squarely lies, but it SUCKS that there are people out there who have to be afflicted with that gene or tendency or whatever it is that makes them addicted whereas another person is just...not.
I can drink a half glass of wine every night and don't feel that seductive pull to have any more. My dad would have polished off the bottle and much, much more. Crazy.
Hope all goes well and hugs and prayers will be coming your way this next week.
Hairdog... I agree it's best to wait with the agenda piece til the kids are gone. And don't get thrown off by W's need to relax...there is no perfect time to address the issues, and you have a responsibility to yourself to move forward.
IHJ: I have mentioned the drinking to her, and have said it is a problem. Sometimes she acknowledges that, on a particular night, she had too much. She doesn't see it as an ongoing problem. And, if I say she's been drinking, and she happens to be inebriated at the time, she will deny it.
The more I think about it, the more I've been putting off directly addressing this problem. Here's a little windown into our house of cards: As part of our new budget (which has been a great thing to have, in most respects), there is a category for "wine and beer," separate from "groceries."
