She wants me to declare my unconditional love for her, because me saying that "I will not stay in a sexless marriage forever" puts too much "pressure" on her, makes her feel like a prostitute, etc.
I told her that I'm reluctant to declare this, as 1) I find it hard to envision a lifetime of "knowing" she loves me, yet "feeling" unloved because of the possibility of a lack of physical attention (hugs, kisses, touches, and sex); and 2) even if I did declare this, she may still do what she's done in the past with similar declarations of mine and say "you don't really mean that in your heart" because she thinks she knows me better than I know myself.
So, what are my options? I.) Declare my unconditional love for her. II) Don't declare my unconditional love for her.
If Option I is taken, things may or may not get better in the marriage. The big problem is that, like a lot of you, I don't think mature adults in a marriage have that unconditional love for each other, that, rather, unconditional love is (or should be) given to one's children, and, depending on your beliefs, given to you by God, or the higher being of your choice. There are always conditions. If I beat her. If I beat the kids. If I became a drug addict and spent all our money. If I became a gambling addict and spent all our money. If I became mentally disturbed and started crashing our cars and burning our house. If I insisted that, every morning, I had to go into the front yard and move my bowels. If I started showing up every day at her office and, instead of bringing flowers, brought a six pack of beer and drank it all in five minutes.
There are always conditions.
Option II is more likely. So let's assume I don't declare unconditional love for her. She'll either be pissed off, or not. She'll eventually accept it. Her answer to me, when I asked, "What if I can't declare unconditional love for you?" was, "that's fine, I'll still love you, but I don't know when I'll feel enough trust and comfort with you to want to ML with you again."
So, I can leave. Or I can stay and shut up and lead a life of quiet desperation. Or I can stay and fight and fight and fight. Or I can stay and decide to be blissful, quiet, and asexual. Or I can stay and be a philanderer.
But realistically, my options are leaving, or staying and continuing the conflict.
I have a daughter who was adopted from China. She will likely have, as she grows older, issues with her abandonment by her biological mother. I know that, even if I remain a part of her life after a divorce, she will feel abandonment issues in connection with me. I have three other children who have already lived through a divorce. They have issues of their own.
I think, when all is said and done, that I will probably stay with my W. Not necessarily because it is the best thing for me, but because it is probably the best thing for the kids. It may turn out to be the best thing for me...you never know.
