Hairdog,

Here is the other side of the fence again talking and telling well actually screaming at you NO NO NO. You cannot remain in the postition of allowing your wife to dictate your entire relationship and life basically.
What she wants is to have her cake and eat it to.


Unconditional love. Excuse me where is yours from her?
Yes in unconditional love you can accept someone has faults and still love them but to the degree that she is asking is not to just accept it but to excuse them giving her a license to have them and hold them from this day forth.
I am telling you honestly had my H ever made me feel that he had accepted and excused my not wanting to have sex. I would have thought I won a large victory and no more effort would have been put into trying to find a acceptable solution to the sitch for both of us. Hence I would have never came to the understanding of my H's needs that are met from this personal act SO NO NO NO.

But now is the time to make some decisions about where we are and where we are going with this relationship.

The other day I suggested you put this out there to her. I again state I feel you need to go along this line the importance is WE Make some decisions not Her make some decisions. And they have to benifit both of you not just one of you. That way where you are going is where you both want to go not just her.


because my condition of having a physical relationship or I'm out is keeping her from feeling physical.

Again I state that while I understand her feelings on this. I feel she is using this as one of her many crutches and I do not see her willingly putting any of them down. You are gonna have to start kicking at them so she has to stand on her own to feet Hairdog. Meaning okay tell her I am not pyhsically going anywhere no matter what but dont think I am just gonna sit here and say okay dear either. So expect that we are going to grow old and grey together and laugh and cry together but also expect that we are gonna keep fighting about this issue until the end.

I do not know how to state it well but I have lived where you wife is for the last 10 years. I know or think I know you do not have the additional issues that my M does but believe me you are running in quicksand getting no where fast until your W realizies that her personal issues are standing in the way of healing not only your R but herself.
How to get her to realize this is the urghh to the sitch.

I would sugguest in your one on one you speak in depth to the consuler about understanding she has issues and that they jade her perception on sexual issues. Ask her how you can help(keyword) her change this perception now before the frustration it causes you gets you to a point of no turning back. In a word how to help make her understand you are not a rapist and she is not being raped (metaphorically speaking only).

I hope I have stated this well I have been very hmm disenchanted with my own sitch the last few days. Feeling stuck at the point I am at and not knowing where to go myself. Woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself.
After reading your post though I am now feeling sorry for both of us! Odd since I am on the other side of the fence and can so relate to your W.