Talked with H last night...what else can I do?

[darling_nicki]

Why not just start having sex?

I say that only partially joking. Seriously, what is his objection to just having sex, say, 2x per week?

What is his preferred frequency?

That is a funny response... Such an easy solution right?! We have talked about frequency and ML more. He wants to and says he would try. He is LD, arrousal then desire. I must ask each time and we both know that he just has to agree and say "yes"!!

I have been looking at the 180 posts and have decided that's what I really need for me. I need to change something and GAL!!

DN

[honeypot]

How has he been trying?

You may have to remind him of this goal, that he has set for himself.

You should not have to ask each time and remind him. If he is truly trying, then there will be a show of good faith from him.

Would he ever agree to a certain number of times each week?

H.

[darling_nicki]

How has he been trying?

He hasn't been trying. There has been an excuse everytime the past two weeks. Too tired, sore from working out side, doesn't feel well, etc...

Would he ever agree to a certain number of times each week?

We have discussed that we were very happy when we consistantly ML once a week. He said that he would enjoy OS a couple time a week in addition to that.

DN

[honeypot]

Well, I was trying to discern his level of effort before I answered your "is it selfish" question.

I don't think it's selfish to want more. If he agrees that sex once per week would be nice, but then takes care of himself privately, rather than coming to you, I would categorize that as..well, maybe not selfish (depends on his reasons) but definitely not acting in the best interests of the R, kwim?

IOW, I don't think you are being any more or less selfish than what he is.

Once you see some effort from him, I'm sure you will feel MUCH better about things. Even if you are not blissed out sexually, you will likely feel a lot of goodwill and love towards him for trying. At least that's how I feel!

I hope this didn't come across as attacking towards your H. I know it must be hard to leap across the chasm and start ML again when it feels so "rusty" and awkward. But he's gotta start doing it before he feels like doing it!

Good luck,
H.

[darling_nicki]

Once you see some effort from him, I'm sure you will feel MUCH better about things.

Major breakthrough last night!!!

Not only did H initiate, he was "involved" in LM and we had a wonderful night!

One small step for me, one huge step for HDS!!!

DN

[LostGal]

Well, no one else offered info in this part of the tread. All I can say is some guys, often military types, have for their own survival reduced things to their most simplistic elements. Emotions are not simple and they often don't fit in.

There is a book that was very inlightening to me. I equate physical love making with loving. Touch is a protector's soothing touch and a great intimacy initiation. Not everyone feels this way. The book is the 5 Love Languages. Some people enjoy cooking, some love to run the errands for a true expression of love. I have a hard time understanding how getting a roast chicken from the deli is the same as a tender sexual, intimate session; but to some it seems to be. How does your H express Love to you? Gifts? Praise?

[darling_nicki]

How does your H express Love to you? Gifts? Praise?

H is very supportive with in the household duties. He does more than his fair share of cooking, cleaning, bill paying,etc... I recently started a home based business and he has become incredibly supportive of the venture. Especially since it will lead us to financial freedom.

I guess I never really took him doing those things as him showing his love for me. I look at all the "chores" as household responsibilities. I know I don't do the dishes because I love my husband. I do them b/c I hate looking at them in the sink!! I try to tell him the "things" that I need him to do to show me he loves me, but if that's the best he can do, do I meet him there and call it good?


DN

[honeypot]

That's what we're all trying to figure out, I think.

How much or how little can we live with.

It's up to the person I guess. Keeping in mind that your H is not a robot whom you can keep programming to do "more and more" if you still don't feel fulfilled. He's a human being with his own set of needs.

I will tell you what my Call It Good state is: We both agreed to a certain frequency. He makes this happen because it's important to me and he loves me.

Now, my Call It Great state would be: the above, plus a healthy amount of desire and lust from him.

I don't know that I will ever get to the Great state, but the other things are so good with him that, in weighing all the factors, I have decided (gulp) that this is as good as it gets, and it's pretty good.
If I could only stop wishing and hoping for the Great State, I'd be a lot happier person.

So what I'm trying to say is: If you have it in you to accept his offerings with love and acceptance, DO IT. If you don't, then the process by which you will hammer out what is acceptable will begin.

Make sure that you are meeting his needs to the best of your ability, be able to spell out your needs clearly (ie, I want sex two times per week, as opposed to I want more intimacy, etc), and be ready to lovingly deal with excuses.

I'm sure there's more but I have a baby clinging to me so I gotta run!

[Chrissy]

We have discussed that we were very happy when we consistantly ML once a week. He said that he would enjoy OS a couple time a week in addition to that.

Am I right to assume you are in argreeance with the sex one time a week and with oral sex thrown in once or twice a week? Is this something you feel will satisfy your emotional needs long term or are you willing to just except this for now? Just wondering if your H steps up to the plate and does meet this need how he will feel if later you up the anty. Gradually increasing frequency is great if you both know that is what you are doing. If only one person is looking at it from that angle will the other person feel decieved later on?

[darling_nicki]

Am I right to assume you are in argreeance with the sex one time a week and with oral sex thrown in once or twice a week? Is this something you feel will satisfy your emotional needs long term or are you willing to just except this for now?

Hi Chrissy, Thanks for your thoughts. This is something we came to an agreement on together. He actually said that he would like oral sex a couple times a week in addition to IC once a week. We are mutually satisfied with oral sex and I feel that this in addition to ML once a week will be a great improvement in our current sitch.

I guess that I am hoping that improving our SL will make us closer. Other than our SL, we have a good R.

Just wondering if your H steps up to the plate and does meet this need how he will feel if later you up the anty.

My hope is that if H steps up and our SL remains consistant, I won't feel the need to up the anty. I work a full time job, plus have started my own business and have a one-year old! I am often tired and "don't feel like it" some nights. If we can have three or four sexual incounters a week I would be a happy girl, no need to up the anty! (You can quote me on that later if I complain that 3-4 x isn't enough!!!)