Talked with H last night...what else can I do?

[darling_nicki]

Well, I finally got the courage to tell my husband how lonely and hurt I have been feeling. I told him that the only thing that was keeping me in the house was our financial ties and that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like this. He agreed that we needed to work on feeling like a couple and a family but neither of us knows what to do to make that happen. H is reluctant to go to counceling. Has anyone done the phone consulations here? Have you gotten good advice? Would you say that it was worth it?

Thanks,
DN

[wdiftya]

Nicki:
First of all welcome to the BB.

H is reluctant to go to counceling.

No surprise. Few MC's can honestly claim to be male-friendly. I have had my experiences, see When Therapy Hurts. For your sitch, consider reading the the article on choosing a therapist or, mark my words, you'll be making your own posts under When Therapy Hurts.
Have you at least read the sample chapter of SSM?
Read the whole thing and go from there.

wdiftya

[MJontheMend]

I haven't had experience with the phone consultations since my H refuses to have anything to do with this BB because it is too much my turf but it seems that the few experiences I've read about have been positive. I think getting your H to agree and follow through on any kind of first step like counseling will be most positive.

[darling_nicki]

Have you at least read the sample chapter of SSM?
Read the whole thing and go from there.

I have read the book. That is what lead me to this BB. The book was so helpful in understanding what we are going through and that it is common. We have both read it and I feel that I have learned to express what it is that I mean when I say "I want a better R". He on the other hand hasn't been able to verbalize what it is that will make him feel like a couple again. How can I change/fix it if I don't knwo WTH I am supposed to do?

Somethimes I feel like he just has given up and it's not worth working through. Like he just wants me to leave so that he doesn't have to do it or be responsible for the decision.
Ughg...they don't put this in the wedding magazines!

Thanks for you suggestions!
Nicki

[MJontheMend]

Somethimes I feel like he just has given up and it's not worth working through. Like he just wants me to leave so that he doesn't have to do it or be responsible for the decision.
Ughg...they don't put this in the wedding magazines!

LOL- I've had this feeling myself but you may find that he has a change of heart and becomes more actively engaged when you make it clear that you are near the limit yourself unless things improve. If you do a 180 it will necessarily change his perspective also.

[LostGal]

DN, welcome!

Did I miss your introduction somewhere? I haven't read too much here but when I do I find it beneficial to a lot of phases in life.

So how long have you been married, are there kids, when did it feel a bit off to you, how are your finances or anything else that may be "in the way" of the relationship?

How was it when it was good and you agreed to marry? How has it changed? Has it really changed when you look at it, or has the sparkle just gone and it really is the same?

[darling_nicki]

Hi LG,

My story is under the SSW (Michelle's original post). H and I have been married for 8 years, togther for 11. We have a beautiful son who is turning one this month.

Things have been pretty consistant through out our R. Financially we are okay, making the bills but no security (always been a stressor to H). It's funny that you ask these questions...It has always been like this. Things get better for awhile and then we wander back to this state. I wonder constantly "Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of our lives?"

My H is a wonderful man. He is kind and gentle. Has a great sense of humor, intelligent and handsome. He is definitely my best friend. But that's about it. We're like roomates with benefits (sparingly that is! ).

He and I both know that there is somethings missing. Do you just keep on going like this? I want my son to grow seeing parents who are in love, not "business partners".


DN

[LostGal]

OK, I don't understand this, or I wouldn't be here either, however, maybe some guys can offer input.

I call your H "passive" and he has this marriage check list. Wife, check. Child, check.

Your child is one year old, do your best to not dote on your boy but on the older kid, your H. There seems to be this blame time at 1-3 years old in child time. Mother says child needs me. Wife says I need husband. Husband says wife is allways with child. You get this Madona look of mother and child and expect husband to see his sexual girl friend not the Mother of his child. Some guys just think that when the reality of birth happens there would never be a second child for they become a MF'r. I do hope this is not the case but I have had a conversation with D's friend, male yet not a bf. This thought process does exist. Maybe you could find out what is on your H's mind?

Guys? Whatcha think?

[darling_nicki]

I call your H "passive" and he has this marriage check list. Wife, check. Child, check.

Do you know H?! He has a life checklist...not just in R. It is frustrating.

I'm not sure about your theory but it is interesting. I have never gotten the feeling that he is treatened by his place with me vs. son. He is a great dad and we share most of the responsiblity of child care. What he lacks in child care he makes up for in household chores.

Sometimes I wonder WTH am I complaining about? Just the fact that I have no partner, no sex, no love. Is wanting to be loved selfish if everything else about the R is okay?

DN

[honeypot]

He agreed that we needed to work on feeling like a couple and a family but neither of us knows what to do to make that happen.

Why not just start having sex?

I say that only partially joking. Seriously, what is his objection to just having sex, say, 2x per week?

What is his preferred frequency?

Honey