Journaling. Read the first few pages of the above book, and felt a little better last nite. It was difficult at first, I am refusing to think positive under stress.
I was almost close to 'panic attack mode' which hasn't happened in over ten years, so I called my C and talked it out. Some of the things she has me thinking about this weekend are just too confusing yet. Two things:
We talked about me moving back to Michigan and she says I may want to do that since that relates to my comfort zone. I don't even know where my comfort zone is anymore!
She understands where I am at w/ex. (isn't telling me to just leave him and move on like everyone else does) but she asked me to come up w/what I want to see changed in him to have a new R. I tried to write this down last nite and nothing comes up!
--------- We had another argument last nite, ex had said he would call later, I took it that he meant the same day and emailed him 'weren't you going to call?' Then he did and said he didn't need my smart remarks on top of everything else he is dealing w/in his life.
I apologized, said I was worried about bil, he sort of apologized and said he would call when he knew more.
Lately, I feel that if I'm there for him, I'm his sounding board AND his scapegoat. I don't mind being on the one side, but it's hard to be on the other! I just don't know how to shift the blame to everyone else.
The positive side of this, is that he still gets so angry w/me! If HE was totally detached; I wouldn't think there was much hope anymore.
I thought of going dark on him for a few days, let him deal w/all this on his own; but that could make him angrier w/me. So, I am working on detaching more. When he calls to vent; I'll just say 'that's nice, dear!' Or maybe I'll take the psych approach - 'how did that make you feel?'
