Talked to ex again tonite. He's really upset and distraught.
His brother has a bleeding ulcer, they can't scope or do surgery until he's stable; already had 4 units of blood pumped in.
I told ex, we'll put the argument to the side and I can come there to be w/him and his family. No, too many complications w/that! And no one but immediate family can see him, besides he is two hours north of ex.
But ex appreciated my concerns and will keep me posted. He sounded very upset over everything in his life falling apart lately; rambled on for a while and I validated heavily.
If I do disappear for a bit, it's cuz I am heading there. I told him to call me anytime and I will come. And if things get worse, I will go on my own, he is still my BIL in my heart.
T
(I know the offer to be by his side is pursuit, and I knew he would reject it; but he did call me -- not anyone else!)
A lot happening with you lately. It must be a very disturbing and confusing time. Please take a time out of thinking about whether you are done or not until things calm down. And there is no harm in being supportive to whatever extent you can of your XH at this point. But keep your expectations at zero. Your XH is in a big soup too. I dont think either of you are capable of processing anything right at this point.
take care and keep us posted.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
You are right UD, I do need a time out. It really doesn't look like things will be calm for a while, though.
I talked to ex's ex last nite, (offered to do this for him) and she says it's just another lame excuse that his brother is sick. I asked her if we can work out the visitation somewhat so both her k's and my s9 gets time w/dad and she isn't willing to give in to let him see s9!
I am so frustrated on the job search, I want to find something in Michigan to close this distance but nothing is coming up. And I am aware that I may be giving that signal to the last company I interviewed w/here that I may not stay in this state for much longer.
I am in a mess financially, vented a little of that to ex last nite. His comment was 'didn't you have a game plan'? Of course I did, but some things were just totally out of my control. (Heat bill that was in collections was attached to my current services and if I didn't pay it all, we wouldn't have lights!) Ex naturally, did not like me putting this sitch in his lap, but I am tired of this struggle of watching what I say to him.
Update.....Ex just called, they finally had to do emergency surgery last nite on his brother, he wouldn't stop bleeding. They expect he will be sent home in 5 days (even tho he is still listed as critical?) and has to abstain from all liquor and cigs from now on! (BIL was heavy into both)
Ex will call again before he leaves work today.
In some ways, I wish I could take back a lot of what I said to him last nite, but then I felt it was time to move on also.
Sorry to vent here but needed to say something. I am just really confused over the change in circumstances right now. take care everyone T
Ex BIL is doing ok at this time, but heavily sedated.
Ex is back to telling me off again, still appreciates my concern but no more need for it. He will handle things on his own.
Ok, I am all torn up here. I want to be there for the family not ex, but he doesn't understand that. I did send an email to ex-SIL to tell her my prayers are w/them all. I don't know what else to do. T
Journaling. Read the first few pages of the above book, and felt a little better last nite. It was difficult at first, I am refusing to think positive under stress.
I was almost close to 'panic attack mode' which hasn't happened in over ten years, so I called my C and talked it out. Some of the things she has me thinking about this weekend are just too confusing yet. Two things:
We talked about me moving back to Michigan and she says I may want to do that since that relates to my comfort zone. I don't even know where my comfort zone is anymore!
She understands where I am at w/ex. (isn't telling me to just leave him and move on like everyone else does) but she asked me to come up w/what I want to see changed in him to have a new R. I tried to write this down last nite and nothing comes up!
--------- We had another argument last nite, ex had said he would call later, I took it that he meant the same day and emailed him 'weren't you going to call?' Then he did and said he didn't need my smart remarks on top of everything else he is dealing w/in his life.
I apologized, said I was worried about bil, he sort of apologized and said he would call when he knew more.
Lately, I feel that if I'm there for him, I'm his sounding board AND his scapegoat. I don't mind being on the one side, but it's hard to be on the other! I just don't know how to shift the blame to everyone else.
The positive side of this, is that he still gets so angry w/me! If HE was totally detached; I wouldn't think there was much hope anymore.
I thought of going dark on him for a few days, let him deal w/all this on his own; but that could make him angrier w/me. So, I am working on detaching more. When he calls to vent; I'll just say 'that's nice, dear!' Or maybe I'll take the psych approach - 'how did that make you feel?'
One, DON'T ask him if he has a gf, this makes you look desperate and gives him a reason to think you can't live without him, two, it sounds like your C is trying to stir things up.
If she can't be constructive, find someone else who can.
I agree Jo, she's not as solution based as the counselors from db but she's free. I will probably keep looking for a better one. I have talked to a couple others in the office, one is booked all the time and the other one, well, one session I was telling her that my ex had me all upset since I called him - she says 'don't call him anymore, what's the next problem?'
I won't bring up the g/f; I know he's been hiding it from me but so what, right? I'm sure it won't last and I would rather wait until he admits it to me than to have me forcing a confession! Like you said, it sounds like I'm desperate.
Which I am kind of desperate at this point, mostly due to other crises in my life and I need to really get that under control or I will have to go dark w/ex until I have a high PMA. T
Besides PPT, I've been re reading through some div busting techniques. I think I have a brain overload going on now!
Emailed ex to wait on calling me today unless an emergency. (blamed it on a storm going through!) He called this evening, has been visiting brother all day and wasn't home to get it. (I'm confused since somebody read it)
Today I wanted to cut the convo short and leave him wanting to talk to me more. That didn't work since I was doing more listening than talking anyways. Oh, well. Maybe next time!
I did drop a hint on him that I went out last nite. Next time he calls, I'm going to mention that I really don't want him to come 'here' to visit s9, that we could come there instead. Any opinions or suggestions?
I was quite detached during the convo, gave sympathy for his brother, but NO emotions! I am glad that after the past couple of days of arguing, he is still calling and unloading on me! T
Almost ready to rework my goals but too busy working on my life right now!
S9 and I had a really good afternoon yesterday, even tho we were stuck in the apt under severe t/storm warnings!
I do have a silly question for every1 today! I know that my ex hangs out on a biker bb and yesterday I had the idea that I could start posting there and talking about bikes. Anyone have thoughts on this?
T
