Focusing On The Best You Comparing Yourself To Others Each of us has been blessed with unique qualities. No one else has lived through precisely the same circumstances, possesses exactly the same qualities, or thinks just the same thoughts. We love, appreciate, and hold dear vastly different things. Because of this, it is nearly impossible to justly compare oneself to others and yet so many people stake their happiness on how they fare when measured against a neighbor, a coworker, a sibling, or Hollywood star. It is easy to think that if you had her eyes, his house, her job, or his money, that you'd be truly happy. Your value as a person has little to do with what you look like or what you possess and comparing yourself to someone else denies your own wonderful gifts and talents. Everyone has worth, but the source of that worth is individual. Learning to stop comparing yourself to others begins with accepting your worth, because your own acceptance is the most important.
Regularly assessing your worth in terms of other people's gifts, be they talent, money, looks, or material wealth, can lead to dissatisfaction, even when you're on top of your game. It's important to remember that you are you and will always be you, not someone else. Your individuality is something to take pride in. When you get the urge to compare yourself to someone else, meditate on the fact that you are lovable, capable, and special the way you are. Instead of focusing on traits you don't possess, and others do, or vice versa, concentrate on what you yourself have. You may be a great painter, very funny, or physically fit. Or you may be exceptionally organized, a capable parent, or profoundly patient. Usually, when we compare ourselves to others, we come out feeling devalued. In noting the positive differences both in yourself and the other party, you appreciate and foster distinctiveness.
The gifts which you have been given can be used for the benefit of everyone you come into contact with. Realizing and embracing such a concept enables you to focus on bringing out the best in yourself, so that you can celebrate your own achievements as well as those of others.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I just made that big headline to draw attention to the fact that there are very few divorces busted in the "another divorce busted" section. Is that because no one posts or because there are so few divorces actually busted?
Here's my letter to Michelle:
Dear Michelle,
Thank you for advice on the book and tape; they changed my life even if they didn't actually turn out to be a divorce remedy.
My story is a lot like everyone else's on here. I noticed my now XW spending increasing amounts of time on the computer; sometimes getting up in the middle of the night to send e-mails. I started researching "chat-cheaters" before I even knew she was one. I could definitely sense the distance that had developed between us, it was of Grand Canyon dimensions so it was hard to miss. Turns out she had met someone on the internet and was madly in love. She "loved me, but was not in love with me".
To make what could be a really long story short, we separated within a month after she "dropped the bomb". We were divorced 5 months later, and now I find myself three months out from divorce and if not expecting or hoping for, at least not discouraging, a new relationship with my XW.
I discovered DBing within the first several weeks and worked on improving the things about myself that needed improvement. I now see that regardless of the outcome, I am a better person for having worked on myself. I actually could use a refresher course in me to make sure that I'm truly becoming the man I want to be. Maybe I left out fulfilling some of my early goals.
Michelle, in the early weeks after applying your principles, I truly felt that I was nearing success. After two weeks she indicated she was thinking of coming back and that it would only be a couple months. Funny, but that never materialized, for whatever reason. Maybe I did the wrong things or perhaps in many situations the decision is already made and nothing short of a miracle would change the course of events. Who knows? Looking back at my attempts to DB, I do have some regrets about the way I handled things, but overall I can't complain overmuch.
But regardless, because of what I learned through this process, especially with the help of all the wonderful people on this board, I was able to not only maintain, but improve, my self-esteem. I now have a friendship with my XW. I might not be doing things exactly as I probably should-I stopped making goals or looking for babysteps-but she does initiate quite a bit of contact with me, invites me to do things with her or her family, and we have friendly conversations; something I wouldn't have thought possible in the early days following the "bomb" when all I felt was pain and anger. I look back now and am frankly amazed at the personal progress I've made. It seems almost as if I've endured a trial of fire. Unfortunately for me, and for many of us on here, the trial of fire also involves a fair amount of scarring. Hopefully those of us that have failed to "bust" our marriage, but survived and perhaps even thrived, won't allow the scar tissue to mar any future relationships. Most importantly, we will hopefully carry the lessons learned through this painful process forward with us into our current and future relationships-be they with friends, children, siblings, parents, boyfriends/girlfriends, or future spouses. For giving me the tools to lead a better life you have my gratitude.
Thank you,
Wes
Last edited by la_esperanza; 08/24/0506:14 PM.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I started one. Can someone tell me how it was determined that my full first name is Wesley? I don't recall having every written that. Was it just an assumption? Or did you google me?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Here's the song of the day; it's not particularly inspiring, but what the hey.
Quote: So you sailed away into a grey sky morning Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring And nothing's quite the same now I just say your name now.
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You don't want me back You're just the best I ever had.
So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely Well send it in a letter Make yourself feel better.
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You dont want me back You're just the best I ever had.
And it might take some time to patch me up inside but I cant take it so I, I run away and hide And I might find in time that you were always right You're always right.
So you sailed away into a grey sky morning Now, I'm here to stay, love can be so boring Was it what you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted?
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You don't want me back You're just the best I ever had.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I can't hide the way I feel about you anymore I can't hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore My tears no longer waiting...my resistance ain't that strong My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone And I'm tired of pretending that I don't love you anymore
Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you...hmmm Cause there's no one else I swear, holds a candle, anywhere, next to you My heart can't take the beating of not having you to hold A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul... It says I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
