Thanks for posting here, WillWin. I read thru your posts, and saw that your DBing seemed to be working, with your XW showing care/feelings up until you pulled the plug: Groundhog Roadkill Burgers. I truly respect your DBing, as well as your decision to pursue another R.
Yet, I must say that your sitch displayed for me four things:
1) Your take on DBing - to focus internally - on improving one's self, was key, a masterful realization that less that a third seem to get and even fewer seem to stick to in a disciplined fashion.
2) DBing works. Especially in sitches involving kids. She was turned back to you. And watching your behavior. Her invites to dinner, acceptance of intimate gestures like flowers, her efforts to send you work, and her trust in you with her son were evidence of this.
3) Even in this PC/husbands and wives should be identical world, there are biological (evolutionary?) differences that drive attraction/interest in men vs. women, and a woman wants to see goal-directedness and success in her man (read Deida, fellas). WillWin, your XW seemed to get shaken by your job loss and insurance coverage loss at the time of a nephew's surgery. To me, it seemed that she was communicating about fears related to that and a potential future together.
4) The Sitch turns over time, with role reveral possible. I forget who (Ellie?) who posted regarding the phases of change regarding the WAS and the LBS, with the LBS potentially becoming WAS-like over time, even making unfair A$$umptions similar to the ones made against us early in sitch, such as "You'll never change." This was partly your rational for ending DBing, as you saw XW as never changing in terms of her ability to forgive you for past failures. This may occur even with the WAS returning and showing interest in trying again, with the LBS saying 'no' if they believe no sizable chances for success exist.
It is so easy to lose one's grasp of the recipe for successful DBing, especially after several months or a few years. The idea that "Anything is possible" becomes fainter as time marches on, yet I believe that it is still there. I don't fault you one bit for deciding you had had enough. Life is short.
I learned a lot from your posts, and would like to thank you for all of that past work, WillWin, as well as wish you the best in your new R.
