Hi No Hill... My 180's I've done and feel good about for ME:
Appearance- H and I were having financ. diff. and so I was not taking care of myself like I wanted. Of course, H still did. So despite the finan. sitch, I have been going to a good salon to get my hair cut, I went and bought clothes that I really like (had to as I lost so much weight)Effective with H. Self- looked into the "control" issues H complained about and I just didn't see. Discovered how much of my life has been impacted by my perfectionism and anxiety about things and about how that impacts my R's, etc. Have significantly worked on this. Have changed some patterns related to this...as well as my outlook...find I am much more happy and calm- though it may not seem like it the way I vent sometimes on the board! But in my life and interactions, I am very calm. Effective with H. Communication- I have changed how I communicate. I used to think I listened, which I guess I did, but I did not validate and I always tried to "fix things". I have become good at validating, at not taking things personal,etc. VERY effective with H. Smiling and optimistic and more outgoing- I have always been a bit insecure and shy and I realize that it isn't fun...and who cares if ya look like a fool sometimes...I can be shy and wish I was having fun or I can get out there and have fun. Effective with H. Chasing- completely stopped. Effective with H. Detachment from H- has been very hard for me to do, but I think I am there- mostly I realize that when I cry or feel upset, it is not that I miss my H as much that I feel hurt that someone I trusted and believed in so much treated me so harshly, when it was not deserved. H sees my detachment and this is effective, let me tell you. Quit being the one to always "rescue" everything. Quit trying to keep my house. Put it on the market. Instead of talking about ways in which I could keep it all together, and getting 2 jobs and killing myself to do it...have said "this is a great opportunity for me to evalute my life and build a life I want...it's only money, who cares" Big 180 for me. Has reduced my anxiety and has been a surprise to my H. Regarding the sitch of H abandoning me, having an A, etc. Instead of being destroyed by it...have thanked him for helping me to stop by freight train life and to reflect upon myself and this great opportunity. Another shocker to H. Latest- put a personal on the internet, emailing back and forth with my handsome dance instructor- H checks my email and this he has noticed! Last week, H was texting me and I mostly didn't reply. I texted him 2x just factual info about the house- brief and not chatty. He'd text back being chatty and I didn't reply. H knew I was going away for weekend. Before I did, put personal on internet. Have gotten a lot of respones, from some guys that at least present themselves as really with it- successful, interested in outdoorsy stuff like me, with pics that show handsome men. Anyway, I know he checked my email while I was gone. Returned home...zero contact with H attempted. Finally, he emailed me a joke. I replied a simple "Ha." H has texted me a couple times. I reply in similar manner...making no attmept to communicate or get together. H has been really attempting to contact me. Finally, he asked to get together and I did. He made veiled mentions of the personal ad...no response. So I just had fun, acted a little wild, stayed detached. H told me he thought I was moving on. I said yes, I guess I am, what choice have I had? I'm going to be happy regardless. H was much more attentive to me...trying to make small physical contact, trying to talk with me about science (my interest, not his) and H asked if could apply to work for a second job where I got a job if you can believe that. I said, sure, whatever. So my 180's are definitely having an impact...but not just on H, on me as well and I feel more comfortable finally with the idea of moving on. I wondered and wonder if what will happen is that by the time I am gone, is when he will want me back. I think so. Pretty sad, really, because I really did love him at one time. Anyway- these 180's have worked. I have done alot that doesn't work too. The biggest thing is that I am really ok with who I am and having a life without my H. And that gives me peace and hope for my own life. For the first time ever in my life...I am my own priority.
