Well, after DBing fairly well for 6 weeks, I fell off the wagon last night and gave my wife a speech about what we should be doing to try and make things better if she's going to try. I completely tried to convice her. She wasn't totally unreceptive, so I'm not sure what to make of it. She did say she doesn't want to talk about the relationship because all she has to say will hurt me, and I replied with just give up all that for now and try to work it out with me. I'm tired of talking because it never seems to accomplish much anyway. And what is there to lose? Either we do or we don't reconnect, but at least we'd have tried our best. I think she knows it's the right thing, but her hearts not in it (maybe still under the effects of the OM and EA which has only been over for 6 weeks, I hope). I keep telling her to ignore the emotions for now and just use her brain to do what needs to be done. That's what I've been doing, the "Act the loving spouse until you are a loving spouse," method, and believe me it works. If I hadn't had made the decision to just go against my feelings and be nice to her when I wanted to shout and scream and hurt her, I'd be out on the street right now. I even considered burning down our house at one point after she made a partcularly cruel statement. That's a big turn around for such a simple method.

This morning and today she has been reluctantly part of the "trying" process. She gave me a kiss when we said goodbye this morning, and last night she let me give her 5 good minutes of affection (hugging, some kissing, some kissing back) which is about all I can muster myself at this point (I too have issues with her [OM and that she didn't let on about her unhappiness] that often get in the way of trying).

Today she bought an extra large coffee so I could share some at lunch. She was the nicest I've heard her on the phone since the bomb. She let me have the car in the afternoon and was cheerful about it. She really does seem to be trying.

And tonight I have us setup for a dinner at a really good restaurant. I'm hoping that we can enjoy ourselves to the point of maybe 6 minutes of affection when we get home. ;^)

So tonight I hope to stop talking and just act the loving spouse. The talking is what screws it up. She doesn't seem to mind so much if I display affection if it feels genuine, so I'll stick with that when she accepts it. Everything else has come easy, to help around the house, to treat her better, to be more engaged in my life.

I like to write (used to do it for a local magazine) and I wrote down a summary of what I think for her. This is it:

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I'm tired of talking. I've been talking my whole life trying to explain myself and describe what I'm feeling. It's never worked right and doesn't satisfy me. It never did, and I don't know why I keep doing it. I'm going to consciously stop. When I'm with you, I'm going to replace it with actions.

And instead I am going to write to you. I write much better than I talk.

This is what I think and wanted to tell you, concisely. Some of it I've told you before, but I wanted to get it all down in one place, for now.

- It would be best if you were happy.
- It would be best if I were happy.
- We are married, and it would be best if we happily stayed husband and wife.
- It would be best if our family stayed whole.
- We should be in love together.
- It would be better if would let go of your anger and resentment towards me about the past. Yes, I did bad things. I was angry, dishonest, lazy, controlling, and critical. But judge me for who I am now, not who I was. I can't change the past, and when you hold on to those bad feelings they hurt you. I know my bad feelings, my anger and resentment, hurt me, and when I've let them go I feel better and can feel better towards you. It can be difficult, I know. I am not completely over them, either.
- It could be better if you would try with me to be a loving couple again. Even if we don't feel it in our hearts right away, we can consciously do kind and loving things to each other until we build back our good feelings. I'm certain that once we build back our good feelings, everything else will become easier. I wish you would trust me on this. We've got nothing to lose, because if it doesn't work we're feeling the same as we do now, and if it works, we have good feelings again. Right now this is very important to me, because I am starved of affection, both giving and getting. Even if it doesn't feel just right in the beginning, we could try until it does. Of all the things I've written here, I feel this is the most critical for us at this time. This lack is what has been the most detrimental to my efforts of reconciliation.
- It would be better if, for now, we would give up on any other ideas other than working together to reconcile our relationship and marriage. This is my fear: by directing our mental energy towards other outcomes, we're potentially building a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please, give up those thoughts. Right now there is nothing to be gained by them. Just don't consider it an option right now and it won't be. That's what I have done, and it's made constructively moving forward easier for me.
- I wish you would trust me more. I've done a lot of reading and research, been counseled, and found much of it exceptionally helpful. I'm confident I know what I'm doing.
-It would be better if I could trust you more. I still have to resist the urge to check up on you, to pry and spy. I've done well resisting, but reassurances from you would be helpful to me, if you like. I try not to dwell on the extraneous circumstances in our relationship, but it can be exceptionally difficult. You may not understand that.
- It would be better if I didn't pursue and use physical proximity to feel close to you. I have already assuaged much of this, and I think if we we're attempting to be a couple again, as above, I would feel more confident and this would no longer be an issue.
- Our relationship has gotten better over the last two and a half extremely rocky months. I do see you 'trying' and accepting/tolerating much of what I'm doing. I appreciate that more than you'll ever know. Things can and do get better if we give them time.
- Time. We need time. Two and a half months is not enough time to do anything beyond get through the crazy time. But we're worth it, me and you, and our family is worth it, to have that patience. I am working to try and make our home life happy and harmonious with lots of good will, so that having patience is easier. And we do seem to have made our home life less stressful. Thank you. If there are other things I can do to make home life easier and more peaceful for you, you can let me know if you like.
- I have worked hard and am trying to change myself for the better. This has been done in the context of being a better person for you and my family. I am not making promises, but I tell you that I have every intention of forever abandoning these negative behaviors I previously displayed: rage, depression, manipulation, obsession, pessimism, outbursts, anxiousness, disrespect, laziness, carelessness, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty. The dishonesty has been difficult for me to get a handle on, for I've discovered that you can be dishonest even when you don't actively lie. But I'm trying my hardest to stop saying anything that could be construed as a lie or exaggeration, even if it means curtailing some of my true stories.