How to proceed

[Baltoman]

My story is a long one. I have been married almost 20 years. The last few have been difficult and I have much blame for this. My wife had inappropriate feelings for her boss, but no physical relationship. I even caught her lying about being busy at work so she could go out to dinner with him instead of me. We had both consulted lawyers and were headed for divorce.

We went to a Retrovaille encounter weekend which was very helpful. However, since we were both sure that the weekend would be useless, the night before I picked up a woman at a bar and spent the evening with her. I guess I had something to prove to my wife and to myself. I did not sleep with her but I did kiss her. My wife knows this. The weekend was where my W faced the idea that her relationship with her boss amounted to "emotional infidelity". We re-committed to our relationship and used the tools we were taught quite frequently at first but now the W seems to want to back off and not do these things to work on our relationship. While things are not bad between us, I cannot shake the thoughts that she does not seem committed. She needs space but I find that if we don't talk about our issues, I start to get very insecure about where we are headed. I also have a very hard time hearing about her friendship with her boss. She talks about him and their friendship as if nothing has happened (which I guess is true, sort of), but it cuts me every time I hear it. He is giving her advice on our relationship which is undermining it. We were at a party at his house and he told her the next day that I was putting her down, which I was not. She did not think I was either until he suggested it. I told her I did not think it was appropriate to have this man in a position where he could influence our relationship which led to a big fight.

I am at a loss as to what to do. If I push the idea of working on the R she pulls further away but if I let it sit I get more and more insecure about it with wild thought patterns as to what she is really up to. I guess I just need to vent about it. Thanks.