it seems to be a common thread among HD people that they are constantly feeling like perverts because they desire to have sex with their mates. WHEN I can actually get my wife to talk about sex she has questioned me about WHY sex is important. As if she can find out something that is missing in my life (not sex) and replace it - thus curing me of this illness. Like she is going to discover I was locked in a box as a kid and fix THAT problem which will suddenly make me stop insist on sex...
Why can they not understand that we find sex enjoyable? That it is a way for us to bond and connect to our mate in a way that only THEY can provide us?
We just moved into a new house. The shower in the master bathroom is TWICE the size of our last. I would love for my wife to take a shower with me. Her excuse in the past (17 years) has always been that the "shower is too small and crowded...not comfortable" - well, that excuse is gone now... so, do I ask her? NOPE. I know she will just have another excuse and I will get pissed.
Being in a new house also has me feeling some teenage desire to "break-in" every room in the house like we are on some marathon obstacle course. Will I ask her? NOPE. I already know the answer to that one...
And on top of all that... we are coming up on our wedding anniversary. Last year, I setup a luxury hotel room out of town with no kids. What did I get? I got an earful of grief from her about how I "set this up so I could get laid" and "all the pressure I'm putting on her just totally kills any mood" - so, did we have sex on our anniversary? NOPE. It's been almost two weeks since we had sex. Her cycle is about every 20-30 days. So, I'm not going to initiate because I want to improve my chances of getting lucky on our anniversary night. I think of it as romantic. I think of it as the best possible night to make love. She just gets stressed. If I were to initiate before our anniversary I could definately not count on getting another shot at it ON our anniversary.
I'm just venting here...okay? so, while it will be nice to hear all the normal... been there, done that from everyone... I'm not really looking for any major solutions. There is so much stress going on in our lives right now I am definately not "setting boundaries" or "rocking the boat" just yet...
If she expects you to do something ultra-romantic that will feel like pressure for sex, why not do a 180 that will jar her out of her rut? For instance, suggest that you take the kids to Chuckie Cheese for your anniversary or get annoyingly drunk (if this is out of character for you) rather than annoyingly perverted. I find that even if doing a 180 is the opposite of productive in the short run it still ends up being helpful in the long run because it gives both of you a different perspective from which to view your relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
- actually, she doesn't "expect" anything. I'm the romantic one... she probably won't even remember to get me anything because we have been very business lately. I'll probably get a card two days after our anniversary. Meanwhile, I will plan something very thoughtful and inexpensive (we're on a strict budget so anything expensive would NOT be appreciated). I already have an idea for a day trip that she will enjoy that has absolutely no connection with anything intimate or physical. That is going to be my version of a 180. I am going to make no advances toward her in a physical sense. I'm just truly tired of the constant rejection... she can take the reigns for a while...
Hello, have you read The Five Love Languanges, by Gary Chapman? I found it most helpful in improving my situation. I went from 4 or maybe 5 times a year to once a week, which in time I hope to ameliorate it to 3x or 4x a week. Doesn’t hurt to be optimistic. I still have to do all the initiating, but in time I’m sure she will get with the program.
yes, I have read the 5 LL book. She read the first chapter or two. She even told me yesterday that her "cup was not full" and that she needed "words of affirmation" from me. It was real hard to step up to the plate. I too had been through a rough day and she had been pretty snappy the day before... now, I'm supposed to jump in and start praising her for what a great person she is??? I tried to get her to specifically tell me what she needed from me to "fill her cup" but she got irritated that I had to ask...
I end up doing this crazy dance where I'm trying to give her attention without appearing patronizing. It can be very difficult and stressful... it makes me just want to go get back in the car and go back to work...
After an hour her mood changed and she was happy enough that she actually pinched me on the behind (a shocker).
We are currently reading another book that focuses on communication and attending a once a week group discussion on what we have read.
I digress though. The main purpose of this thread was to vent the frustration I feel when I have sexual urges towards my wife and know that I would come across as a pervert if I were to voice them. Sometimes I truly feel I am living my life all canned up. I have only exposed 25% of my sexual appetite in 19+ years of knowing her... I just wish for once I could be 100+ out in the open and be accepted as I am.
Quote: Sometimes I truly feel I am living my life all canned up. I have only exposed 25% of my sexual appetite in 19+ years of knowing her... I just wish for once I could be 100+ out in the open and be accepted as I am.
GS
Have you told your W that? I'm the HDW and in past times when my H made me feel like a perve (good choice of words btw) I'd immediately put the onus back on him suggesting that maybe the problem was his. He'd brood quietly for a while but then would approach me asking what he could do to improve things in that dept. If I had known about all the SSM and DR/DB techniques back then we probably could have solved that issue way back when. But it was only this past spring when SSM came into our lives and has completely transformed our SL into nothing short of a newlywed atmosphere. Vent all you need, but know things can actually improve for the better. Trust me when I say it couldn't get more LD than my H was. We went 10 years without sexual contact prior to SSM...and that ain't no lie. Hang in there.
I think the two main issues I have to deal with are the following...
(1) I am a conflict avoider. As such, I will always tell myself that tomorrow is a better day to talk to wife about it. I will also tell myself that once such and such is not stressing us it will get better (procrastination)
(2) My wife was molested by an older brother as a child. I am not sure to what extent other than she says no penetration occurred. As such, any thoughts of asking her to "touch me in an intimate fashion" make me paranoid that I am causing her to relive some horrid childhood nightmare.
Basically, her brother was a pervert and manipulated her into doing a lot of things (that she obviously does not care to go into detail on). As such, I feel that I have no right to ask her to do anything that she does not offer to do.
I guess the thing for both of us to understand and talk about is that (1) what her brother did was twisted and wrong (2) what we do as married partners is NOT twisted and wrong. Of course please reread my #1 problem above and you will see why we do not talk about this...
I think problem #1 is at the root of your anger or need to "vent", kwim?
You feel mad because you are bottling yourself up, but who is bottling up whom? YOU make the decision how to act and then feel mad, mostly at yourself, for not being true to yourself. It is a weird thing, isn't it.
My advice is to incorporate more of your true personality into your daily interactions with W, while at the same time not being needy or grabby. Make the sexy joke, give the hug, tell her you're in the mood for ML later on, etc. Think of it as GeekSpeak Lite.
It may not change your frequency, but you will feel better about yourself. Also your wife will not live in a fantasy world where you are perfectly happy with the amount of sex. She will have the ability to see for herself just how much it is on your mind and she can make an informed decision about whether she wants to up the frequency, or choose to not live with a person who thinks about sex that much.
It is a fine line to walk...being yourself and "imposing" your views on her, but you will know the right amount. If nothing else, it will elicit a bad reaction from her, and you can break the silence that you two are both currently facilitating and which is doing nothing positive for your situation.
