The more I think about my H's revelation that he expected me to be the one to carry us financially in our marriage, the more I get this squidgy LD feeling which is probably the psychological equivalent of the feeling HP gets when she always has to be the pursuer. It makes me feel like my H expects me to pay him for sex and for a woman feeling like you have to pay for sex is totally ego-destroying if you accept it and totally ridiculous and intolerable otherwise.
Also, just the fact that my H feels like it's okay to be financially dependent on anyone makes me lose respect for him because I would never be comfortable with being financially dependent on someone unless I was taking primary responsibility for a joint endeavor like caring for children.
He doesn't even get how pathetic his point of view is. For instance, when he got mad at me about taking the trip to Alaska and said that he wasn't going to help my Mom move, he said "Why should I help her? She's just an unstable woman who will never help me out.". All I could say was "She is an old woman who is asking for your help.".
The fact that my H is a Type 4 who follows his "feelings" at the expense of his ego strength causes him problems in other relationships. His father is a conservative, repressed type who lives his life by the book with certain glaring exceptions like having an affair and leaving his wife of 30 years. My H's relationship with him is such that it is painful to be in the same room with the two of them. They love each other and strive for connection but miss horribly in ways that are apparent to anyone but them. My FIL is too repressed to give my H the kind of emotional connection he would like and my H is clueless about the kind of behavior that would earn his father's respect which he surely wants. Frankly, just the fact that his relationship with his father is still such a huge issue in my 41 year old H's life is a problem from my POV.
His dependency issues make it hard for me to trust him also. I feel like it's quite possible that he really doesn't want to be married to me but is simply afraid to be on his own and that is why I have to deal with all kinds of passive-aggressive and not-so passive aggressive BS. It makes me feel like maybe it would be a good thing if we separated and he spent some time on his own dealing with some of his own issues and gaining a sense of independence. Maybe once he no longer felt like he "needed" me he could figure out whether he "wanted" me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
