JJ... You are making me think about the fact that my H really is fighting his natural tendencies in order to have a better life. He was very disorganized before we had a house, but now that we have " something" he works hard to keep it looking nice. The same thing at work, the same thing with his appearance,etc...he is working so hard to not be his father. Unfortunately, but he got a little caught up in the machine, but that's changing. The stuff he does really comes from him ( he can be perfectionistic and compulsive), and I need to break out of the dynamic of being the approving mother( which I resented) and being a loving, supportive W. I can offer more WOA and do it in a sexy way, and just help him to relax. We both need to put the brakes on in life, help each other with our own nuttiness( I can get absorbed in my kids, my parents, etc) and have some more fun.
Quote: However, now that I found out that my friend is a HDH in a SSM, I believe %100 that you guys really are all good husbands who are quite f*ckable in real life and your wives are just clueless in some sort of sad way.
Well, my H seems to still be in temporary HD conversion mode because he initiated sex after working 14 hours yesterday. If I try to analyze my current success based on what I'm actually doing, I would say it must be that I am currently maintaining a delicate balance between doing things that a really nice supportive wife would do and simultaneously giving off the vibe that I'm ready to jump ship with little notice. The best analogy I can come up with would be my attitude is like that of a senior in high school who has already been accepted to the college of her choice but has decided to see if she can get straight As her last quarter in high school anyway.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
WOW!!!!!!! JJ that is awesome!!!! Just maybe you have converted him. IT seems that he has been this way for weeks now.
My husband is still in the anger and thinks all his feelings and actions are justified phase. In the last 3 months I have had sex twice. This guy hit on me at work the other day...I felt tempted to take him up on his offer. That is bad. I guess it's just all this pent up horniness.
Quote: This guy hit on me at work the other day...I felt tempted to take him up on his offer. That is bad. I guess it's just all this pent up horniness.
As tempting as it may seem, you know this will be a counter-productive action. Not because your H will be self-righteously angry if you do it but because you will feel guilty. I recommend a solo trip to Alaska or the equivalent as a better method to vent any feelings of resentment or entitlement.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
RE JJ most of the HDHs on this BB seem like really nice men who would be great husbands and quite f*ckable in real life, but I've also thought that there's no way to really know that is true since people posting on a BB are 2-dimensional and biased towards themselves True on both items JJ. I am likeable but do have some faults. The big thing us likaeable guys do have going for us is we do want to talk about improving the R.
wives are just clueless in some sort of sad way JJ, I think the wives (and H's too) know on an intelectual level but can't get over their hang-ups about sex. They think they have to have desire before they do much and I suppose some (Women) don't get to that arousal state even when they are having sex.
I do agree with you, some people don't get how lonely, frustrated, and what ever comes to mind, that being sex starved one, for some peoplle they walk around with a piece of their sole crushed. It may not show all of the time but the results do impact the R.
This being a solution oriented site, most of us have read the books and done some of the things in the book to improve the R and hope the sex will also improve. The Crucible works for some things. What is next?
The more I think about my H's revelation that he expected me to be the one to carry us financially in our marriage, the more I get this squidgy LD feeling which is probably the psychological equivalent of the feeling HP gets when she always has to be the pursuer. It makes me feel like my H expects me to pay him for sex and for a woman feeling like you have to pay for sex is totally ego-destroying if you accept it and totally ridiculous and intolerable otherwise.
Also, just the fact that my H feels like it's okay to be financially dependent on anyone makes me lose respect for him because I would never be comfortable with being financially dependent on someone unless I was taking primary responsibility for a joint endeavor like caring for children.
He doesn't even get how pathetic his point of view is. For instance, when he got mad at me about taking the trip to Alaska and said that he wasn't going to help my Mom move, he said "Why should I help her? She's just an unstable woman who will never help me out.". All I could say was "She is an old woman who is asking for your help.".
The fact that my H is a Type 4 who follows his "feelings" at the expense of his ego strength causes him problems in other relationships. His father is a conservative, repressed type who lives his life by the book with certain glaring exceptions like having an affair and leaving his wife of 30 years. My H's relationship with him is such that it is painful to be in the same room with the two of them. They love each other and strive for connection but miss horribly in ways that are apparent to anyone but them. My FIL is too repressed to give my H the kind of emotional connection he would like and my H is clueless about the kind of behavior that would earn his father's respect which he surely wants. Frankly, just the fact that his relationship with his father is still such a huge issue in my 41 year old H's life is a problem from my POV.
His dependency issues make it hard for me to trust him also. I feel like it's quite possible that he really doesn't want to be married to me but is simply afraid to be on his own and that is why I have to deal with all kinds of passive-aggressive and not-so passive aggressive BS. It makes me feel like maybe it would be a good thing if we separated and he spent some time on his own dealing with some of his own issues and gaining a sense of independence. Maybe once he no longer felt like he "needed" me he could figure out whether he "wanted" me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think you can help him grow out of the coddling and self absorption by living your life in a way that caters to neither. I am so happy for you that you are taking the Alaska trip... think of it as a mini-spearation and make sure to HOY at the very first sign of his regressive, P-A behavior.
I find it interesting that both you and your H have similar family backgrounds to me and my H. I grew up with a nuturing dad and wacko mom, and my H had a fused mom and distant dad.
Quote: I think you can help him grow out of the coddling and self absorption by living your life in a way that caters to neither.
I think this is true but it's hard to figure out where to draw the line. I feel like maybe I should do some things like stop making him lunches or separate our finances but it kind of feels like the equivalent of when my sister and I used to fight about who was messier and our solution was to divide our room in two with a line.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Just curious...what is your H's attiude wrt the kids? My H also has strong dependency needs, but he is trying to set examples of autonomy, discipline and responsibility for the kids, so he is sort of growing up with them.
I guess it's just all this pent up horniness. 