Quote: The issue of weight may seem lame to you. But to him it may just be that is a major to him.
It may be the case that a strong preference for thinness is just a value-neutral opinion but his way of expressing his preference was quite lame nevertheless. If he really cared that much and respected his own preference he could have straight-out told me "Either you lose 30 lbs. or I will no longer have sex with you or I will leave you for a thinner woman.". Then I would have had a choice to make based on my own preferences for how I want to live my life. The same thing goes for his desire for me to earn more money.
I believe there are two reasons why he didn't take strong stands on these issues and chose instead to be passive-aggressively nasty and withholding. The first reason being that he was dependent on our relationship in other ways and didn't want to rock the boat no matter how unhappy he was floating in it and the second reason is that on some level he doesn't respect his own preferences in this regard. Wanting me to look "hot" and make more money are clear attempts to borrow status and therefore ego strength from me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Lately I've been thinking that it might be a good thing if my H and I separated. Not because I'm angry or can't deal with the situation but because he really does seem to be too dependent on me and too inclined to believe that I am trying to control his life in some manner. I don't know what I can do to get out of his way enough for him to work on developing his own ego strength while I'm still actively invested in the relationship. I suppose I could try to go into some sort of friendly roommate/co-parent mode and work on enforcing the non-rudeness boundaries and stop initiating sex. Actually this is kind of where I am already.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
JJ, I know what you mean. This was how it was in my house, also.
I think my H needed to know that he was successful in my eyes. He needed to hear me compliment him and build him up a little bit. He likes this in the same way that I like being sexually pursued by him.
Though I have always been kind to him and "babied" him, he did not really believe that I thought highly of him until I said it out loud to him.
I wish I could say that this change has caused his esteem to skyrocket. It hasn't. It's still early though. I've only been doing it for 6 months or so. We'll see what long term changes come about.
I will say this though: It feels good to compliment him. It felt awkward and wrong at first but now that I am in the groove, I feel good when I do it and he lights up like one of my kids.
Re; JJ the real problem is that I am generally too much of a "ball-coddler.......I frequently do things like serve him his food in front of the TV or fetch him a beer etc Don't forget about that socially engineered / mental handicapped ramp to your built to your P so it would be easier for him to have sex with you. Did I write that
JJ I am learing a thing or two from you. Good to see you put the squeez on Mr W. "Maybe you are just too high maintenance for me.". I hope this statement did some good.
JJ... Regarding the separation idea, there was an article in the wall Street Journal last week which discussed some positive results with a concept called " controlled separation," where every last detail is spelled out in contract form ( including dates/and or sex). The article pointed out that separation often leads to divorce because there is no real support or direction. In the controlled method, lots of paramenters are discussed beforehand and the idea is to give partners a time out.
I sometimes feel my H and I would benefit from something like this, just to clear our heads and strengthen ourselves as individuals. What stops me, apart form organizing such a move, is that we would probably regress pretty quickly once we were back together, just as if you went to a contorlled-diet spa and then came back to the real world.
Quote: I will say this though: It feels good to compliment him. It felt awkward and wrong at first but now that I am in the groove, I feel good when I do it and he lights up like one of my kids.
HP... I am having some trouble getting started on this track, for 2 reasons...first off, H is not one to give me WOA, so it's hard to make the first move, and secondly, I feel like I am treating him like a child when I give him an ego pump; I don't feel I should boost him the way I do my kids.
H asked me to meet him for lunch today and I could tell he was having a hard day and needed some support. I listened to what was going on at work and was generally supportive, warm and kind, but I know he would have benefited from hearing some special words. I just couldn't do it. Instead I went on and on with the convo ( which was mainly about the kids), and he joined along, but something wasn't right---he seemed dysphoric.
I guess I don't want to coach or baby him, especially when I am needy myself and have learned to activate my own inner cheerleader. But maybe my POV needs some fixin'.
I really don't have any problem with administering WOA. I think I do it whenever I honestly can. That is why I am saying I don't think that is the problem. I am using the "rule of thumb" that if something seems easy to do it probably isn't the problem. It would be MUCH more difficult for me to offer my H honest criticism on a regular basis than for me to increase the pats on the back.
My MIL told me the following anecdote about my H. When he was a child they had a little coat rack in the hallway. His sister who was just a year older than him would come in the house and hang up her coat. Little MrW would come in the house and act like the coatrack was just too high for him and put on a little show of not being able to reach until finally his older sister would hang his coat up for him. The fact that my MIL thought this was an amusing anecdote may give further clues as to why MrW is MrW.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: JJ I am learing a thing or two from you. Good to see you put the squeez on Mr W. "Maybe you are just too high maintenance for me.". I hope this statement did some good.
I am hoping that it did. He actually squirmed when I said this it was such a direct hit and said "I know I am high-maintenance but what am I supposed to do about it?".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
The "controlled separation" idea sounds kind of interesting. However, I would guess that seeing a marriage counselor should be a necessary first step. I am definitely considering this option when I get back from Alaska. It seems to me that some third party input might make MrW feel less like I'm trying to control the process. Of course, I will still be controlling the process because I will be the one suggesting that we see a counselor (sigh).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I don't feel I should boost him the way I do my kids.
Why not?
I'm not saying you are wrong, just curious as to what your response will be.
I too had a helluva time getting started with the WOA.
I found (and find) it easier to say things like: You know what I like about you? You always keep going on hard days, yada yada.
The fact that you find it hard to say nice things to him indicates that there is still some resentment built up. You might want to try and figure out what that is all about and go from there.
It was all well and good for me to read things like, Don't wait until your partner "deserves" to be treated nice because they will NEVER deserve it. It is a gift from you. Blah blah.
But the truth was that until I got past my own resentment, none of that resonated with me, nor did I have a snowballs chance in hell of pulling it off. I had to do what I had to do to get past the resentment (which involved lots of talking and mutual understanding, but NOT crossing that "beating a dead horse" line) and then I found the WOA to be quite easy.
And, in the end, it's more about me than him, anyway. I feel good when I am good to him. Saying nice things, and pumping him up, feels better than omitting those nice words and having the sick satisfaction of knowing he wanted it and I wouldn't give it. That felt good too (marital sadism and all) but not nearly as good as the other.
