Absoluetly, one of the best posts I have read! You "get it". You understand the benefit of one of the most horrible and frightening moments in life. The dignity you hold by not reacting to your emotion and to hanging on to patience as your best friend.
I have one request, and it is yours to accept or deny. It is this; In the same way total strangers helped you at your greatest time of need, please consider returning the favor. We all know of people in our lives or on this board that can use a helping hand. A person to pick them up when they feel defeated. If you can return this favor, you will be indebited to noone.
I am very happy to hear your news. It is still an up hill road, but the slope is much more gentle.
Stay in touch and look again in that mirror. Now, what do you see?
Pipe, You are so amazing! This is truly a heart-warming story. You must be so excited now about what the future holds for your family. Pipe, I know I've been following your sitch since the beginning, but could you briefly outline for us what you think were the keys to your success? Thanks and hugs, Gibeon
Quote: could you briefly outline for us what you think were the keys to your success?
Love, Patients, understanding, and being stubborn.
I loved my H, myself, and my family too much to let him go. I refused to believe that the way he was acting was infact my H as I knew him. I truely believed he was kidnapped by someone. I never once believed a word he said and only half of what he did.
I had patients for him. I used this as a chance to change the person I had become to hate in myself. I made this about me. I needed time to fix what I was doing to myself. After all I believe that if the marriage was so perfect why did he leave, then I realized with open eyes, that it was so far from perfect. While fixing me, I became my H's friend. I validated everything that he did wether I believed it or not. I was open to everything. So when I heard about the OW, I wasn't shocked while being shocked at the same time. I let him know a few times the pain I was in, but only a when the time was right, like the day I learnt the truth about the OW. I somewhat went dark on him. I started doing all sorts of stuff and not telling him. We went from talking 3-6 times a day to not at all unless he called me. I never called him, and even when he did call, I made sure not to jump at calling him back.
Understanding. I researched all that that I could to understand how we had gotten to the place we where at. I read and read and read about A's, relationships, marriage etc. I tried to put myself in his shoes. Once I had a sense of where he was at, I wasn't mad at him for the pain he caused me. After all I believe I was 50% of the problem. Him sleeping with that person, it was like I was right beside him. M's are about being a team. I was someone he didn't want to be around. She was someone I use to be. So I can understand why it happened. Most people can't understand that.
Stubborn.... I really, really believe in the power of the mind!!!!!! I didn't allow ANY negative thoughts. I took every ounce that I had to think positive. I had it in my mind when he was coming home and what it would be like. I had boundries, and wouldn't be treated like a doormat
I held onto everything I could. Ever babystep.
AND I PRAYED TO GOD every chance I had.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
I spoke with God tonight, Pipe, and he said that now that he has answered your prayers, he wants you to do something in return for him. He said that he wants you to stay active on this board, and keep doling out wonderful advice and optimism to the likes of WAWfighter, Rottzilla, Gibeon, MNspd, and ALL the rest. (OUCH, I just got hit by lightning!!!)
Seriously, I look at your sitch and see that you pulled it off. I know at times you must have thought that it was hopeless. That is how I sometimes/often feel. You are familiar with my sitch; alcoholism, EA/PA, WAW syndrome, D filed, hell, it’s everything. I too love my W and my family, and pray every night that things will somehow miraculously turn around, I just don’t know how it will happen.
I had mentioned in my thread that sometimes I take these posts and transfer them on to my palm pilot to read during down time. Your response to Gibeon’s outline question will surely be one of those.
Again, please keep the posts coming. I, and I’m sure everyone on here, really appreciate the boosts that you provide. (PS-get lots of rest, you must be getting CLOSE, huh?).
I wish people around me really understood the hard work that is involved in saving a marriage. Its no gravy train. The hardest part is staying focused and positive while the ones I love are telling me I'm wasting my time. They still are telling me "they hope this marriage is for real, and that its not a stop over till my H finds another slut" But I can't and won't worry about that. I live for today, and today we are happy and together. We are a team, and a family. Today my H is my best friend, and I respect him.
I try to post as much as I can. I reply when I feel I should. What has worked for me, may not work for others, so I tend to read and give advice when I feel is needed.
But feel free ANYONE and ask questions. We're all together on this BB. We all want to save the marriage.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
He had it in his mind a month before actually telling me that he wanted to seperate. Dropped the Bomb, March 20. May 15th I found out about the OW, and it was July 1st when he decided to try things again. 4.5 months or soo. However, my H is not home all the time. He works all over AB, and leading up to the seperation, I had maybe seen him 12 days since xmas.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
PLW - you and I joined this site at around the same time, so I've always kept my eye on your sitch. I'm so happy for you and your H and your kids. I love hearing the success stories, and particularly the details of what worked.
How are things north? Glad to see you helping out the other posters. You and Casi, (how is she by the way) are 2 great success stories that are very recent. Keep giving when you can.
I'm feeling a little melancholy, seeing as D-day is Thurs. for me. Sad, but I have a clear conscience.
I want to say something that I know you have thought of, I just don't know if you have acted on it. At some point you need to give J alot of credit for stepping up and giving the R another chance. The amount of shame and guilt are huge for the WAS. If he was unable to swallow his pride and admit his wrong doing, you would have little chance to be where you are today. Sooo.... at some point when the time is right, THANK HIM and tell him why. Show him some empathy and understanding that you know how difficult his decision to come home was. It is easy to walk away, the hard part is to walk back. You DB'ed your heart out, and you are furtunate to have turned J's path around, excellent effort!! Just remember that a R is about two people. It takes one to walk away, and two to make it work.
You're an inspiration to alot of folks here. You have alot to share. Especially, hope.
As always, patience, patience, patience.
Steve
Have you had your baby yet? Let me know, I'll be expecting pictures!!!!!!
